Archives for 2023

“All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” – Walt Disney

I am with you on this one Walt.  There are so many dingbats stuck in a cycle of lies in Washington, the perfect thing to get our government working again would be to line up all the politicians, (ladies first Marjorie), and give them each a kick in the teeth.  It would certainly be a great thing for me!

“Oh no, he’s advocating a violent attack on our representatives.  Somebody call the FBI and Secret Service!” 

(Listen up. I was only talking about a metaphorical kick in the teeth.  I would use a harmless implement…like the Road Runner’s anvil.)

Trick question!

If you had an actual answer to that question you need to take a time-out and do some self-reflection.  Are you seriously taking advice or even interested in what a faceless dipsy-doodle butt-munch on the internet has to say?  Do you really want to listen to some pompous, self-absorbed twaddle-spewing doofus or follow a link to a cutesy named website and read what a weary, people-hating Deepak Chopra wannabe has to say about life?  Is that your idea of a value-added activity?  
Stop going to weird-ass websites and reading what some nut-bag has to say…Uh-oh.

I believe I just discovered a minor flaw in my thinking.  Never mind.  Just move along and go make the world a better place!

(Awesome!  That is a record ten (10) grammatically correct hyphenated words in one paragraph.  Bet you never saw that in any writing by Shakespeare, Dickens or Steinbeck!)

…the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
I’m not sure but one thing is certain,
I’d be screwed!

The website Aish.com published an article saying “In all likelihood Leonardo da Vinci was only half Italian. His mother, Caterina, was a Circassian Jew, abducted as a teenager and sold as a slave several times in Russia, Constantinople, and Venice before finally being freed in Florence at age 15. This, at least, is the conclusion reached in the new book Il Sorriso di Caterina, la Madre di Leonardo, by the historian Carlo Vecce, one of the most distinguished specialists on Leonardo da Vinci.”

The discovery gives credence to the oft repeated legend regarding the origin of the Mona Lisa, Da Vinci’s most famous painting.  It seems Mona Lisa was a Circassian Jew as well and, like his mother, a very strong willed and independent woman.  Mona Lisa was royalty trapped in an unwanted marriage with a domineering husband who treated her like a kitchen slave.  He demanded she cook elaborate meals and every evening he would return home and sneeringly ask “What have you made for dinner?”  In the iconic portrait da Vinci captured the sly smile that formed the moment she decided to shift the marriage power paradigm and take control.  When her husband returned that evening and asked what the newly assertive Jewish-Italian Princess had made for dinner, she would reply with one word: “Reservations!”**

(** Editor’s Note:  If you don’t get it, call a Jewish friend who will be happy to explain.)

Our friends at the AARP are at it again, giving us doddering old curmudgeons tips on how to better our lives as we sail into that long goodnight.  But this article stands out not for what it included, but what it left out.

They really blew the lid off nutrition telling us what we need more of and how to get it.  You can read the article but I’ll just give one example.  We need water!  I’m glad they told us how to get that one.  Every day I go to the faucet and wonder if this is the day it will no longer flow.

But their glaring omission was that they failed to mention Testosterone, the primary sex hormone and anabolic steroid in males.  How do you up your levels of testosterone as you gather years?  OH, wait.  Don’t misunderstand.  I certainly don’t need it, in fact, I need to have less. I ooze testosterone!

Just asking for a friend.

This Smiling Moment brought to you by YouTube!

 

An Interesting conversation we had.

Me:       I am spinning out of control Master Yoda.  I’ll try to move forward.
Yoda:   “Do or do not.  There is no try.”
Me:       I worry about our country and our world.  It has become a strange place; I fear we are regressing as a society.
Yoda:  “Listen you must.  Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Me:      But all we get from our leaders is lies intended to make us hate and be afraid.  How do you explain that?
Yoda:  “Assholes they are.  Overthink it do not.”
Me:      I get it.  From here on forward I will move!
Yoda:  “Believe it I will when see it I do.”

“April 18 is the official deadline for filing federal income tax returns in the United States this year. Since 1950, individual income taxes have been the primary source of revenue for the U.S. government, accounting for over 80 percent of federal revenue.”  But why thank Abraham Lincoln.?

Income taxes in the United States date back to the Civil War when Abraham Lincoln signed the nation’s first-ever tax on personal income into law to help pay for the Union war effort.  But it was not until over 150 years later that a billionaire president cut taxes for the wealthy and corporations so that most of the burden of taxes fall on the people who are in the middle and lower-middle range of income earners.

In my imaginary conversation with Honest Abe as he was rolling over in his grave, he asked me how the republican party went so far astray and wanted me to switch his affiliation to the democrats.  I explained to him he could do it at the DMV next time he renewed his driver’s license.

I’m hanging on by a thread…

The on-line site Wealthy Nickel published a list of what they deem the 10 most useless jobs on the planet.  I agree with 9 of them from the list that included bathroom attendant, HOA Administrator, paparazzi, car dealer and grocery store greeter.  But I strongly take issue with one misguided choice; Pet Psychic!

I speak from personal experience.  I had wonderful English Bulldog named Chauncy and as hard as I tried I could not seem to make him happy.   Although it was quite expensive I felt Chauncy’s happiness took precedence over trifles like rent and food.  After only 6 sessions the psychic discovered Chauncy missed his mother and I could get him over it with certain specific actions (and regular therapy sessions).  

I am here to report that her suggestions worked better than I could have hoped.  I stopped keeping him from getting on the furniture or trying to hump the leg of guests when they arrived.  I now feed Chauncey table scraps of meat and cheese.  I bought him a ton of bones and toys.  I take him out for long walks and let him off the leash (although removing the leash has proved problematic as I used to have to search for him for hours until I found he heads straight to the yard of the French Poodle on the next block).  Every one of her suggestions seems to have increased Chauncy’s happiness.  The Pet Psychic was worth every penny I paid!

I believe they need to remove pet psychic and replace it with the most useless job ever: #1: Retired Blog Writer.

At Last, a true way to control your environment and get a good night’s sleep; the Loftie Lamp.  The Loftie can be programmed to gradually light, rising from the bottom of the base to the top emulating a sunrise.  Conversely at the chosen time of night it will gradually dim like a sunset.  It acts as a natural alarm clock, gently waking with light rather than a harsh ringing sound, then lull you to sleep with a soft sunset and a cocktail, (alcohol sold separately).  The best results are obtained if you have backout curtains in your bedroom so you remain untouched by the natural order of things.

It is tailor-made for the misanthropic individual who hates people and wants to control his own environment.  Someone who, as perfect as they may be, cannot suffer fools in government, retail outlets or the doofus next door.  And someone who, with 4,000 stations and streaming channels, cannot find a decent television show to watch.

I’ll have 4 sets of blackout curtains and 8 Loftie Lamps.  Hasta Luego Baby!