WELCOME TO MY WEBSITE!
WELCOME to the new and improved BETTER FRED THAN DEAD website. Not that the old one was bad (It Sucked!) Or that this one is so much better (it’s not), but the last one was better dead than Fred. In this incarnation I have taken into consideration all the latest science with regard to websites, rainbows and Covid-19, so while I strongly advise against drinking disinfectant when using this website, you may find that your food will taste better, your clothes will come out of the dryer looking like new and it will not, as has been the case with other websites, leave an unsightly bathtub ring. (Wow, Look how good I am at lying. Maybe someday I can go into politics!)
AS with the first version of betterfredthandead.com, the goal is to keep me occupied and off the streets at night. Nothing more. If by any chance what is written here sparks an intellectual bi-partisan discussion on current events or leads to a scholarly discourse on the subject of arts and literature, I way over shot the mark and you are reading way more into this than exists. In fact, you may well be on hallucinogens.
In this phase of my life, and by that I mean as I rapidly approach my expiration date, It is my desire to achieve the following:
- Put the past behind me, retaining life lessons and letting go of anger and doubt.
- Alleviate any worry regarding the future; no need to worry, it never arrives.
- Become present and mindful of what is important in life, live without fear and treat every other human being with empathy, respect and love.
- Do my best and trust that the outcome is in the able hands of a greater power.
- Inherit millions from a long lost relative; anybody know Pitt Berman? After all, I am not a communist! Just a Pinko liberal that can’t quite wrap his head around why some can have billions of dollars, pay little or no taxes and thousands of our children go to bed hungry.
So what can you expect from this site if you decide to spend a few minutes here?
Following is a quick recap of the various categories on the site:
DAILY INFLAMMATION: Random Ramblings about anything or nothing. Page after page of drivel. The reasoning behind each post is is for me to know and you to find out. Put that in your pipe and smoke it while you take it in the darkroom to see what develops after running it up the flagpole and seeing who salutes…or kneels!
LINDA PRESENTS – FRED’S FAVORITE INEDIBLE RECIPES;
Every week a new recipe for a select few gourmets with, let’s say, eclectic tastes in fine dining. These are not your Grandma’s recipes.
MATCH WITS WITH INSPECTOR CRETÍN’: Every week (well, not EVERY week…not even close) a new opportunity to “Match Wits with Inspector Cretín” where you will delve into seemingly unsolvable mysteries. working in tandem with perhaps the greatest International Detective Inspector of all time, Marcel Cretín (Accent grave over the i). These flights of fancy are quintessential time wasters. What? You don’t have time to waste? Then why are you posting your political drivel on Facebook where no one will be convinced to change their opinion, no one cares about your opinion, no one will read beyond the first 6 words? Don’t expect much here. The Inspector may, on occasion, call on guests to submit different puzzles to keep things interesting. It might be a logic problem, a quantum equation (is there such a thing?), or a case from a more prominent fictional character, one who is in the public to domain, mais bien sûr oui! This all may sound like a good idea but in the end it will be a major disappointment, just like you were to your parents.
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ME! WHY ARE WE HERE?: As an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church I know everything there is to know about life, The Universe, all things spiritual and how to achieve tax-free status. You need not tithe to me (unless you feel you compelled. Who am I to judge?) and you are free to sleep in on Sunday. I will share the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (sort of) with you about everything except tax status. I will not share my tax returns.
NEVER ENDING SHORT SHORT STORIES: The Story of a thousand words begins with one letter.” So Deep. Here you will find short, short tales never exceeding 1,000 words and perhaps have 999 less. There are no boundaries to these explorations in fiction…well I guess one boundary; a maximum of 1,000 words are reported earlier. Pay attention! When will new stories be posted? Today, tomorrow or as Pea Soup Anderson’s Non-identical Twins used to say “A week from Tuesday!”. And if you get that reference I hope your personal affairs are in order because you are old. But they will eventually arrive whether they be a novel, novella, short story, sentence fragment, syllable or punctuation mark. Let it be written, let it be done!
BEST BOOKS EVER: A list of great books, mostly fiction, that you may have overlooked while frittering away time on earning a living or bonding with your children. Many celebrities have published “must read” list but this list is quite different and considerably superior for three reasons: 1. All were selected by an erudite bon vivant. 2. The Moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter aligns with Mars. 3. Because I said so and it’s my ball!
IT COULD NOT BE VERSE: Yes, an oh so unoriginal title for a collection of poetry, but then calling it poetry is ridiculous in itself so just go with it. I will have a few guest poets as well so it may not be a total loss. Have you got the huevos to give it a read? It may trigger waves of nausea so read at your peril. “Are you feeling lucky, punk?”
CONTACT ME: Please feel free to let me know what you think. I have a page where you can email me with your thoughts and suggestions, but you must pass an intricate I AM NOT A ROBOT test. If you fail you can’t send an email but you will get a front row ticket to the next political rally where nobody wears a mask. Don’t hold back, First Amendment rights apply here so say what you want but be aware that if you use profanity you will be expected to put 5 cents per word in the Swear Jar, money being donated to your favorite LGBTQ cause or to support women’s rights by financing the “Free the Nipple” movement.
I suggest you start by clicking on each of the categories to see the currently posted content and then, when you become obsessed and can’t get enough of me, you can peruse the recent posts box and see what’s new.
One Final thought. Even though I have a degree in English my focus was on literature and not grammar so don’t get excited if I misspell a word or use the wrong punctuation; that is a given. I will do so just because I am a silly little minx (but in a manly way…like a Viking Minx!).
Above all, especially you sourpusses, try and have some fun! (Or better sit and seethe so I can have fun).