On December 31, 2020, in these very pages I bid farewell to Cap’n Crunch cereal. I still get nostalgic at breakfast and miss its sugary deliciousness. But the added fiber does do its job… A story for another time. This is about my dear friend Horatio Magellan Crunch.
As you all know he came from Crunch Island, home of Mount Crunchmore. His first name, Horatio, is a tribute to Horatio Nelson, the British naval hero who led his men to victory in the Battle of Trafalgar. His middle name is a nod to 16th-century Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan. And although I am now a steel-cut oats and non-GMO Shredded Wheat and Bran man, I still have a warm glow in my heart for The Captain and wish to right an egregious injustice perpetrated on him by the soulless ghouls at Quaker Oats who themselves are controlled by nefarious puppet-masters at PepsiCo.
The shocking reality is the three stripes on his uniform represent a commodore rather than a captain. Stand with me, post your outrage on social media, write to congress. Say WE DEMAND that from here forward the cereal be called Commodore Crunch!
(P.S. And while you’re at it Quaker Oats, lose those horrible tasting Crunch Berries. The only food more disgusting than that is Pumpkin-Spice Oreos).