Daily Inflammation

If your parents get divorced are they still brother and sister?

I didn’t know it was looking.  I would have directed it to where it can do the most good: Palm Beach, Florida.

…then, with my eye in its hand, it turned my stomach causing a pain in my neck just prior to putting a knee in my groin.  I was in such a mess I didn’t know my ass from my elbow.
Fortunately a good friend came along and not being very hip he gave me a hand.  When that wasn’t enough he put his shoulder into it and lent me an ear.

I’m Back Together Baby!

…Makes Home Happy and Life Lovely.” — Louisa May Alcott

Other contributing factors to happiness are gobs of money, the adoration of your children, a metabolism that allows you to eat anything without gaining weight, crispy pata and chocolate chip cookies.
I am sure Louisa knew this and just cut the list at her editor’s request.

I edited this article from People.Com  without even looking.
See all the important photos below:

Get it?

You would think for a whiny, misanthropic curmudgeon like myself, finding something new to inflame me each day would be a no-brainer.***
But today, everything is O.K!  

(***Editor’s Note:  The term “No-Brainer” was used as a service to our Haters that wish to use it to comment that Fred’s gray matter is less than stellar.  You’re welcome!)

Today is Endangered Species Day, a time to highlight the importance of wildlife conservation and biodiversity.  May 20 is also World Bee Day, Shining a light on the importance of bees in pollinating and sustaining the world’s food supply.

The good news is that lamebrains that still believe the last presidential election was stolen have been added to the Endangered Species list and, with a little luck, will soon be nothing more than an asterisk in a history book.

That’s the promise from NiceNews.com.  Each morning they will send positive, life-affirming news to your email inbox because, in their words, “We believe news has the power to untie us!! (All evidence to the contrary).

This mornings “Good News” was about a new innovation; weighing only 3 lbs. you can now carry in your backpack a solar powered electricity generating turbine.  So while you seek to commune with nature and escape the daily pressure of modern life you can charge your electronics.

That joyous sound you hear is me jumping in the air, clicking my eels and singing “Sweet Sue” I am so overcome with emotion upon hearing this life-altering news.  What’s next?  An Ultraviolet Ray machine that allows one to get exposure to the Suns most harmful rays without ever venturing out of your house, thereby increasing your chances of contacting a squamous cell carcinoma by 67%?

Life is filled with good news; just be open to it!

Lag Ba’omer is a minor holiday that occurs on the 33rd day of the Omer, the 49-day period between Passover and Shavuot. Celebrations often include bonfires, weddings and haircuts.  Most notably it’s the one day during the Omer when Jewish law permits Weddings.  Why?  According to a medieval tradition, the plague ceased on the 33rd day, Lag Ba’omer, a joyful day amid sorrow.

A truly Orthodox believer honors the day by getting married while his bride cuts his hair and then sets the Chuppah on fire. 
Biblical Scholars refer to The Old Testament Book of Irving where they believe the phrase “Trifecta of Faith” refers to this practice.  Sounds a bit nutty? 
Have faith my child.

What do you call a soft drink other than a specific brand name like 7-Up.

Growing up in Chicago we drank Pop.  In California with a young family we drank Coke, although an actual Coca-Cola was rarely on the menu. Coke was the generic term.  And Soda, who says that?  A soda is carbonated water, flavored syrup and minimum 2 scoops of ice cream, period.  If you are one of these misguided souls, immediately cease asking for a soda unless it falls under the carbonated, syrupy, ice cream version.  Creatures of habit who need time to embrace the proper nomenclature may temporarily identify the liquid as Soda-pop for a period not to exceed 2 weeks.

To be clear, this is not optional.