Daily Inflammation

1944’s film classic “To Have and Have Not” contains a real life lesson.  After swapping spit with Bogie, Lauren Bacall, exiting the room and using her smolderingly sexy voice and seductive smile says, “You know how to whistle, don’t you Steve?  You just put your lips together and blow.”  While this was as close to porn as the average moviegoer got in 1944 (love that scene), who could foresee this would become the national pastime of disgruntled employees.

After losing his job at Twitter, their ex-security chief took Lauren’s advice and blew the whistle on his former employer.  Among his many accusations was that Twitter executives acted with “negligence and even complicity” in response to efforts by foreign governments to invade the platform and gain access to private materials.  My first thought: “DUH!  Who doesn’t know that?”  To be that dumb you would have to be under 10 years old, have an I.Q. in low double digits or still support a failed ex-president who himself is an enemy agent.

But if Lauren Bacall told me to whistle I’d be blowing like there was no tomorrow!

I have a cheap website with no ability to track who visits.  For that reason I’d like to ask a favor and have you let me know who you are.  I have come up with an easy way for you to identify yourself.  Just do the following:

1. Get a carrier pigeon, available on-line for $88.00 at Carrier Pigeons R Us.
2. Put your name and contact information on a minute scrap of paper and insert it in the pigeon’s carrier.
3. Direct it to the big oak tree down the street from me.
4. A friendly squirrel named Sheldon will alert me and I will go to the tree and retrieve the message.

Thanks for your help and support.

More pearls of wisdom from our elderly friends at the AARP.  They include the usual things you might expect; a boat, fancy car, dream house, time-share (always a regret no matter what age) and an R.V.  Actually, I bought none of those so I have nothing to regret.

My only regret is that I did not invest in Amazon 7 years ago so I could have afforded to buy all those things I might regret now.  We all have our burdens to bear.

I know you are out there! 
Recently, I checked out a book from the library and found that a previous reader had bent several of the corners of the pages, apparently to mark his place in the book.  What type of ignorant, sociopathic, infantile, retarded, festering pile of waste would deface a borrowed book by bending the pages?  I have profiled him as a socially awkward 30-50 year old with no friends other than those paid for on internet porn sites. But why damage a book, especially when even slimy, scum encrusted denizens of cesspools like the person who committed this crime against humanity have many other bookmark options?

• One of the many parking tickets you received because you are too lazy to move your car on street cleaning day.
• An old label from one of the hundreds of empty fortified wine bottles in your garage.
• A piece of toilet paper stuck to your butt because you don’t know anything about hygiene.  (Two words: Flushable Wipes).
• The receipt from the pills you bought on the internet in the futile hope you would someday be able to satisfy a woman.
• The notecard given to you at work as a reminder to ask customers if they would like fries with that Big Mac.
• The card you attached to the training wheels on your bike to make it sound like a motor scooter, what you think of as a “Chick magnet.”

Do us all a favor and move to Texas or Florida.  There won’t be many books left when they are done banning the good ones.

So the curtains are drawn, the room is dark and “The Wizard of Oz” is streaming with the sound turned off.  “Dark Side of the Moon” is playing loudly.  Any number of peaceful, mellow souls are comfortably strewn around the room, mesmerized.  Unlike some, I don’t have any mind expanding substances; not my thing, but I am super-mellow just the same.

“Been there, done that?”  You understand the magic of Pink Floyd.
Don’t understand?  You may think I’m nuts…you could be right!

The popularity of Mahjong, a game developed in China in the nineteenth century, seems to be waning.  We cannot let this happen. We need something; an event or grass roots campaign to put this back in the spotlight before it’s too late.  If you have never had your senses tingle from the cool, smooth surface of a mahjong tile caressing your fingers you may not understand, but it is a sensation to be treasured.  We need your help in establishing Mahjong as the National Sport of America (suck on that China!)

Sure, there are more important causes, like saving Bees from extinction which might lead to the dreaded consequences like end of life on Earth.  But man does not live by dread alone (long way to go for that cheesy pun).  Fun is important too and unless you have experienced a mahjong game first hand and seen old ladies throwing tiles onto the table yelling “One Bamb” or “Two Crack” you are not qualified to judge.

Just do it!

Metaphorically speaking that is.  Seeing me in the shower is a traumatic experience from which one may never recover. 
And I am not speaking about water conservation although that is important and a topic for another day.  I am referring to us showering, individually but with a shared thought.  So during tomorrow’s shower come up with a plan to save the world. Let me explain:

People come up with their best ideas in the shower.  Cognitive neuroscientist John Kounios explained to National Geographic that in the shower, “you don’t have a lot to do, you can’t see much, and there’s white noise.”  (White Noise refers to a noise that contains all frequencies across the spectrum of audible sound in equal measure; not to be confused with the noisy white supremacists).

Here is just one example of what someone came up with in the shower: The Shower Notepad!  Pure Genius!

This week, American Airlines became the third major airline to order planes from Boom Supersonic, which makes commercial aircraft that promise to fly at twice the speed of the fastest ones today.

I have a better idea.  Save your hundreds of millions of dollars on planes; hire a lot more TSA Agents and pay them a living wage so they are not so cranky.  Travel will no longer be a nightmare, people will be on time, less flights will be cancelled and total travel time cut in half.

An extra hour or two in the air ain’t no big deal.

In Onancock, Virginia, a harbor town in Accomack County with a population of 1,263 and chartered as a port in 1608, it is reported that someone under the age of 40 has actually posted on Facebook.  While it may be normal in Kentucky, Alabama and Mississippi, it is rare to find someone this backward in Virginia.

Mind blown!!

I am grateful to Sarah from The Woks of Life Asian cooking site for sending me this explanation that appears to solve all my problems with regard to magic potions.

I didn’t actually read the article, (who has that kind of time?), but considering the problems I have sourcing ingredients for the spells in my Hogwart’s Potions Primer it seems Cornstarch, the truly magic ingredient,  will save me from failure.  
So far I have determined that cornstarch can be used as an adequate substitute for the difficult to find ingredients critical to mixing Professor Severus Snape’s revenge potion:

• Billywig Wings
• Flobberworm Mucus
• Ashwinder Eggs
• Shrivelfigs
• Puffskin Hair

Now that I have the recipe (Thanks again to Sarah) and the necessary ingredients, I have a message for the lady that cut in front of me at the self-check stand while I perused the candy rack: “BE VERY AFRAID!”