Daily Inflammation

World-renowned genital reconstructive surgeon Richard “Dick” X. Tender has pioneered a new surgery that will extend by 2 full inches the length of a man’s penis, thereby removing the main impetus for gun nuts pathological need to fondle an AR-15.  They can regress to their childhood and spend the day fondling themselves like the good ol’ days!  Hopefully the surgery will move the “gun nut soft spot” from their groin to their hearts.

I can think of about 200 things off the top of my head.  
I’m not sure who came up with that quote but you can be sure they were broke.

Linda and I are travelling to Morrisville, NC and Sugar Grove, Virginia, to visit our son Robert and daughter-in-law Angie; four grandchildren, Alyssa, Logan, Sierra and Kam; three great grandchildren, Levi, Zander and Hazel and a Maltese-poodle mix named Gretzky that has acknowledged, albeit non-verbally with licks, that I am quite skilled at scratching behind one’s ears.

I hope the crushing disappointment of my silence will not ruin your otherwise glorious day.

I know some of you naysayers think People Magazine is all fluff but here are a few hard-hitting news stories that were reported exclusively by them:

1. “Kourtney Kardashian (and her daughter Penelope!) feel ‘so triggered’ by Tristan Thompson.”  Is it appropriate for Kourtney to be discussing getting “triggered” by Tristan with Penelope?  Ugh! The Kardashians.
2. “Denise Richards ‘Trying to Talk’ Daughter Sami out of ‘Toxic’ Breast Implants. ‘It’s Painful’.”  No pain, no gain!
3. “JoJo Siwa says she has not “stuck a hair bow” in her hair in 2 years.”  Chilling as a new one appears on her head every morning!
4. “MO teacher accused of sending nude photos to student, 16.”  Interactive learning. Where were these great teachers when I was in high school?
5. “John Stamos says he caught former girlfriend Teri Copley in bed with Tony Danza.” Weird. I’d have thought she’d catch the two of them in bed.

People Magazine:  “All the News That’s Fit to Print!”

When I was a teenager an overt sexual act like that would require you marry the girl.  
These days they just call it having a “Beard.”

Poor Kris!  Has it been too long since you were in the news so you thought people would give a rat’s ass about your torrid affair with a guy who has recently had his dick cut off?  He said it was to become a woman which at least explains how he managed to have sex with you.

We all know you pimped out your daughters and made millions.  Your money gets you plenty of male attention.  Take away your fortune and you would be living in a one bedroom apartment in the San Fernando Valley with a dozen cats.

Now take the money and go away!  Wait a sec…I have a better idea.  I am a self-appointed internet influencer and the only difference between me and Kim is you being her manager.  Would you consider taking me on as a client?  After all, I am a man and do find your money quite alluring…Baby!

(P.S. I do need to first get Linda’s approval as being the object of someone else’s desire is new to me.  But, we could use a few million dollars…)

Very sad.  I did not even realize women could contract that terrible disease.  She was diagnosed over three years ago.  I thought you had to contact the doctor if it lasts more than 4 hours.

Cheap joke but if you are a Celine fan like me you may wish to donate to SPS research.  It’s a real thing!
https://stiffperson.org/donate.html

“…You don’t give me nothing you can smell my feet!”
Remember the good old days when Halloween was fun and spawned great jokes and clever verse that stimulated the intellect?

• Why can’t ghosts have children?  Because they have Hollow Weenies!
• Why did the ghost go into the bar? To down a shot of Boos and get sheet-faced!
• Why can’t you eat a ghost?  Because they taste like sheet!

Halloween used to be fun. Now it’s all about scaring people: “
“Trump may be president again.” YIKES!!  Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

This might be the scariest Halloween on record.

The octopus is also considered one of the smartest animals in the world as demonstrated by its ability to unscrew the lid of a jar from the inside and free themselves.
Three hearts and intelligence?  We know it would never make it as the republican nominee for president.

The current front-runner is more of a Jellyfish; no heart or brain yet followed by millions. The wonders of the Animal Kingdom!

On October 19th of this year the Oregon State Board of Education voted unanimously to suspend the essential skills graduation requirement.  Previously students were required to demonstrate basic proficiency in reading, writing and ‘rithmatic (AKA Math) in order to graduate.  But due to the pandemic this requirement has been suspended until the 2027-2028 school year.  This will give enough time for every country that has not already advanced beyond our averages, to leave us in the dust, academically speaking.

A high school diploma will now carries all the value of a participation trophy in a tetherball tournament. (Apologies to tetherball…they never did anything to warrant such disrespect).