Daily Inflammation

Don’t get excited.  I am not going to attack your religious fantasy about Heaven being a place of plenty where you can eat all the pie and ice cream you want and not gain weight, or my nightmare about hell, which to me is a giant 80″ OLED TV with no off switch that, for all eternity, broadcasts nothing but “The Bachelor” and “The Kardashians.”

I am referencing an article by Deepak Chopra on LinkedIn.  Deepak opens with “One of the main reasons that any religion or spiritual tradition exists is to reassure us about dying.”   He goes on to hypothesize if there is no discernable beginning how can there be an end?  He quotes the T.S. Eliot poem ‘East Coker”  “In my end is my beginning…”  This brings to mind another life altering event when a well-known movie star allegedly showed up in a hospital emergency room and said “In my end is a gerbil!”

Can we really answer this question?  “The nice thing about existence is that it can be relied upon even when you have no idea where it came from.”   “You are here and the New Age phrase, ‘Be here now’ isn’t a goal.  It just is.  You cannot help but be here now, since that’s the definition of existence.”

“Where do we go after we die? Nowhere in physical terms. We never leave home because there’s no alternative.  Non-existence is a fantasy born of fear.”

Obviously you and I need to discuss this in greater detail.  I can work you in for two one-hour sessions per week.  How about Tuesdays and Thursdays at 10:00AM?  Friends and Family Discount, $150 per hour.  I’ll send you my Venmo details.

Mystery Explained:  Last Week parts of North America were treated to a rare sight; Aurora Borealis, The Northern Lights.  This happens when a particularly large coronal mass ejection arrives in the Earth’s outer atmosphere, triggering a geomagnetic storm.  What we are seeing therefore are atoms and molecules in our atmosphere colliding with particles from the Sun. The aurora’s characteristic wavy patterns and ‘curtains’ of light are caused by the lines of force in the Earth’s magnetic field.

Mystery Remains:  On May 23, 2024 a new season of The Kardashians premiers on Netflix.  Who is watching this inane garbage?  Phony staged arguments, rampant ignorance, 3 inches of make-up and 7 big asses (and I’m not referring to their hind-quarters which may qualify none-the-less).

Someone please show them this post.  It is my hope they hire me as script supervisor to shut me up.  I could use a few bucks and right now the only two gigs open to me are “Walmart Greeter’ or operating a toaster oven to give out samples of Kirkland Wieners at Costco.

New Game: “Celebrity Challenge.”   And like our other games and challenges there is no cash or gift prize but I will offer a hearty hand clasp and a jovial “Well Done!” next time we meet.  Let’s see if you are keeping up with the world of entertainment!

Today’s Question:  Rumors are flying that Ben Affleck’s marriage to Jennifer Lopez is on the rocks.  Which of the following facts is the smoking gun foreshadowing their split? 

1. Jennifer’s gowns are exposing even more of her Greek Goddess-like rack than usual.
2. Jennifer finally saw Ben in “Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice” and completely dried up.
3. Ben realized dumping a beauty like Ana de Armas was a big mistake!
4. Ben called out Jennifer Garner’s name during sex.
5. Jennifer called out Diddy’s name during sex.
6. They simultaneously called out Matt Damon’s name during sex.

Breakups are sad, especially in the entertainment industry where relationships rarely fail.  At least if you break up with Taylor Swift you get a song written about you!

    Where is your compassion People?  Even though this man is a backward, weak, mentally challenged misogynist, he has managed to become one of the premier kickers in the NFL.
     That should count for something!

   Not for everyone, understanding these may require an advanced degree in a scientific or math discipline:

• Why are there no restrooms at airport stores?    Because they are doody-free shops!
• What marionette works as a Bathroom Greeter at Walmart?    Howdy Doody.
• What’s the most popular video game in bathrooms?   Call of Doody!
• Why is it unsafe to use the swimming pool as a toilet?  Because there are no lifeguards on doody!
• What do you call an employee that never leaves his desk?    Doody-full.

Is this what Freud meant by “anal retentive?”   No one really gives a s**t!

P.S. What is the official Drink of restrooms?  Coca-Colon! 
(I should have quit while I was behind!)

Having worked for twenty years as a dock foreman and manager of a small delivery and a large union trucking company I am no stranger to the generous use of profanity.  Those were the days when an “F” word was spelled out and enunciated in full; the days before political correctness ruled the land.

But the word spelled out is now F***,   %$*&, or F**k if you are really bold.  It is also spoken as frigging. fricken’ or just plain F as in WTF.

Thankfully there are still books in states where censorship does not thrive and cable and streaming stations where actual, real-life scenarios are depicted.  Although it has been over 30 years since I set foot on a loading dock I can’t imagine its language has changed.  But HR Departments have stepped up their game so perhaps a modern day dock foreman may sound more like this:

“You effing’ lazy mother-fathers better get off your blankety-blank you-know-whats before I perform a rectal insertion of my lower appendage!”

Cut off your head! Hahahahahahahaha! (LOL to the 10 people under 50 years old that still look at Facebook).

That’s an old schoolyard joke from when I was a kid many, many, many, many years ago, (was that enough manys?).   But there is a teachable moment here regarding the difference between losing weight and losing fat.  If you focus on just weight loss you might reduce by losing lean muscle. Lisa Young Ph.D. says in her book Finally Full, Finally Slim “A reduction in body fat helps improve body composition, reduce the risk of chronic diseases, and improves heart health.”

So the question is how do you lose fat and retain muscle?  If anyone has that answer please IM me.  Additionally I’d like to do it without dietary restrictions and exhausting exercise.  “A goal without a plan is just a dream!”

That’s how desperate People Magazine is for a headline.  It said Jessica soaked in the salt for 30 minutes before slipping into her pink Tamara Ralph Couture watermelon silk faille gown and cape embellished with striped coqui feathers and crystals.  The article also noted that she is 42 years old as we readers are such voyeurs we always need to know the ages of the celebrities we mock.  It never did say why she did it but a Google search said an Epsom salt a powerful muscle relaxant.

All I know is that if she and Justin are truly on the rocks after Britany Spears skewered him in her memoir The Woman in Me, and I somehow ended up alone in a room with Jessica Biel, she would be out of luck.  Since my heart problem I am on a salt-free diet!

(P.S. It’s MOTHER’S DAY! Have you called or visited Mom yet?)

The problem with the manner in which I post my daily rant is that you may be reading a follow-up post before the original on which it was based. But since they are all meaningless who cares?  Yesterday’s post on embarrassing health conditions sparked these two memories in my addled psyche.

For many years at Coastal Training I worked with the VP of HR and considered her a friend (as we are today) and, if not a mentor, then certainly a trusted advisor.  At the time I was at my heaviest, about 90 lbs. more than I am now, and someone told her that when I bend the proverbial “plumber’s crack” reared its ugly head (or should I say cheeks?).  Of course she could not divulge who reported me but I knew it was none of my close friends because they would have no problem, in fact delight in telling me to my face.  But it doesn’t matter.  None of us enjoys being humiliated.  She was direct and prefaced the private discussion with “I’m sure you’ll appreciate knowing…”  I did appreciate it.

Sometime later in my capacity of Director, Human Resource Sales, one of 12 titles I held over 20 years, I had a sales rep that, for some reason unknown to me, began giving off an unpleasant odor (phew, that was the nicest way to put it).  It may have been medical but seemed to be from their clothing and/or body.  I knew from the very training lessons we sell that I needed to address the situation.  Our training says to make it private and direct and don’t say “you smell” but rather say “at times you have an odor that is too noticeable.”  The same direction you might give to a server that wears too much cologne or perfume; problem Solved.

I’m sure there is a moral here somewhere.  Let’s go with “Be honest and direct” or “bathe regularly and wash your clothes. Your friends and workmates will appreciate it.”

This article from the AARP was directed at the senior citizens among us but contains a lesson for all ages.  You should be able to talk to your doctor about any condition that worries you such as the nine mentioned in the article: excessive sweating, body odor, bowel leakage (eww), erectile dysfunction (not me…), hemorrhoids, bad breath, bladder control problems, flatulence and toenail fungus.   I’ll cop to an occasional bout of black toe before I discovered the joy of going shoeless for most of the day, but that is the only one I can speak of from personal experience.  Yes, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

But if you do suffer from any of these please do tell your doctor; just don’t tell anyone else!