Daily Inflammation

I am sure you feel as I do, that our language has become too prosaic.  We know how stupid the population is in general, (see recent election results).   I am starting a campaign to enliven the language so we can, at least, enjoy some imaginative sentence construction.

“I am bumfuzzled by the direction of our government.  The gobbledygook emanating from Washington seems to be classic withershins, produces nothing but gubbins and has me totally wabbit!  

Your turn.  A few suggestions: Hullabaloo, Catawampus, & Lollygag.

I figure I better get started early on this list.  It’s been an eventful year.

1. I’m Still Here.
2. See #1

“…to get where you’ve got to today.  You got Virginia Slims!” 

That was the marketing slogan tobacco giant Phillip Morris came up with in 1968 to sell Virginia Slims, a cigarette designed for women only.  It was long and slender, the way men want their women.

Fast forward to 2024 when women heavily supported a candidate that treats women like disposable sperm receptacles and loads the Supreme Court with creatures bent on repealing women’s reproductive rights and placing the president above the law.

You’ve come a long way baby.  You travelled all the way back to 1968!

BetterReport.com really blew the lid off grocery shopping with this one!  Here are the items they thing the store does not want you think about: Jars with popped lids, leaky meat, pre-cut veggies, unpasteurized milk, microwaveable meals, frozen food with ice crystals and the real shocker: Smelly fish!  Captain Obvious strikes again with a “No, Duh” article to fill the massive void known as the internet.

What about less obvious items that aren’t readily available on the endcaps or eye level on the shelf?  Here are a few more sinister items meant to lure the unsuspecting and inexperienced shopper:

1. Gift Cards for invasive medical procedures like colonoscopies and lumbar punctures. (These are particularly heinous as they are at the checkout stand and usually come with triple shopper’s reward points!)
2. Water in plastic bottles.  Did you know that 4 out of every male tested has micro-plastics in their penile tissue?  I suggest buying drinking water in concrete containers.  That residual can have a positive results, especially as one ages.
3. Little Debbie Christmas Trees:  They only come once a year and are more addictive than opioids.  Blink and they are gone for a year and we are left to subsist on Entenmann’s!
4. Breakfast meats like bacon and sausage: Loaded with artery clogging fats, ankle bloating salt and system poisoning nitrites, nitrates, BHA, BHT and high-fructose corn syrup!  No wonder they taste so good! I might rethink this one…

Keeping your wits about you at the supermarket is the key to frugality and healthy living!

It is my sincere wish to make you wealthy as that seems to be what is most revered in our nation these days.  And what is a better “Sure-Fire” way to get rich?  The Lottery, of course.  So to all my friends and family I give the gift of wealth with the following (6) Six, Count ‘Em (6) winning lottery numbers: 4 – 14- 15 – 24 – 28 – 18.

All you have to do is determine which lottery and on what day to play them.  That’s a whole lot easier that picking the numbers. 
You are most welcome!

Listen up Millennials.  We Boomers would never consider showing up as a guest for dinner or whatever without bringing the host something, usually wine or flowers.  Ina Garten, host and chef extraordinaire (way better than Martha Stewart), would never arrive empty-handed but does not ascribe to the wine-flower paradigm.  She feels it’s disrespectful (another concept lost on your generation) to bring something the host might feel has to be served that night.  Ina opts for something the host can enjoy the next day such as coffee beans or granola. While the thought makes sense, those gifts are fraught with danger.  What if the host is in A-fib and can’t tolerate caffeine or suffers from Drip-o-phobia, the fear of water-process decaffeination?   Granola?  Do you know the hosts allergies?  An errant peanut might send the host into anaphylactic shock and a life-threatening race to locate an EpiPen?

But Ina is correct in saying wine and flowers are so 20 minutes ago.  Here are some modern suggestions:

• A Krugerrand:  Light and shiny; who doesn’t love a little gold?
• Two Open First-Class Airline Tickets:  Let them jet off to an exotic locale to de-stress after hosting you!
• All-expense paid Couples Week at the Aman Tokyo Spa: Airfare optional but appreciated.
• A “George Clooney All Taxes Paid Cash-Filled  Suitcase:”  Cash is always in Fash (ion)”

If any of you wants to take my advice, first seek help.  If you are still determined to follow one of these suggestions get over here for dinner, NOW!

Professor Harold Hill warned the residents of River City, Iowa, that the presence of a pool hall in their city had the potential of being disastrous to the town’s youth.   Without a note of musical ability he sold the town everything needed to start a band including music lessons he was unable to provide.  As happens on Broadway and Hollywood it all worked out in the end.

Well we got trouble my friends, trouble right here in all our cities.  Our own version of a deranged Harold Hill on steroids is about to assume leadership of the country, promising to spend millions to deport honest people (and a few not) searching for a new life and promising nothing to his citizens but vengeance and hate.

Problem is our trouble is not with a capital T that rhymes with P and stands for pool.
Our capital T stands for something a great deal worse than a game of pool where “any boob can take and shove a ball in a pocket.”
Our Flim-flam man has our lives in his hands.  When things go south, remember for whom YOU voted.

I suppose I could be wrong…Let’s hope!

Throw them away.  Thanksgiving was five days ago.  Along with turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole and cranberry sauce you may have listeria, E. coli, botulism and salmonella. Yum!

In an unprecedented move retailers all over the nation are extended the pseudo-sales prices they are making up this year.  I believe Black Friday pricing now extends from the Friday after Thanksgiving to January 15th white sale.

Every year, the same sale baloney.  Are we consumers really that dumb?  The answer, according to the demonic denizens that populate the world’s marketing departments, YES! 

 Have I Got an Injection for You!

It’s called Botulinum Toxin; you may know it by its brand name, Botox.  While it’s currently used by people with such low self-esteem they think a few less wrinkles will raise their social status, if injected into your armpits it can help block the signals that tell your body to produce sweat. The result: drier pits, fewer stained tees, and a noticeable reduction in body odor and I’m guessing pheromones.  So if this is important to you and you can pay out of pocket because no self-respecting medical insurance will pay for this folderol, head to Beverly Hills and find a semi-reputable medical professional to poke you.

Or… go buy a stick of Secret Roll-on and age gracefully.  
How is it you’ll pay thousands for Botox and I get nothing for sage advice that will save you a fortune?