Daily Inflammation

I took one semester of clarinet lessons on a rented instrument in 6th grade, about 1961.  That was when schools could afford to teach electives to actually try and turn out well-rounded individuals.  30 years later, when I could afford it, I bought a clarinet and hoped to take lessons.  It never happened.  So last week I dusted it off and signed up for a trial lesson at the local music school.  My teacher was a twenty-something young lady, very nice and encouraging.

But she was too nice and apparently I intimidated her as she did not seem to want to correct me.  I had trouble getting the mouthpiece attached and her answer was “It’s ok.  You can play it lie that and it will just sound a little flat.”  I said can’t you show me what I did wrong and she agreed and with a little wax it slid right on.  I was able to blow through a note so she showed me the proper fingering for an E. She then said “Do you want to try the next note?”  Yes, of course.  want to eventually try all the notes!  This continued for the entire lesson.  She was incapable of telling me to do something without asking permission.

So my search for a clarinet teacher goes on.  I don’t need a kind soul gently easing me through the lesson.  I need a frustrated Nun from a parochial school armed with a bad attitude and a hard wooden ruler that she has no problem using.

I need discipline.  The habit and the ruler are just an added bonus!

But the one I saw demonstrated the leadership and grace of Ms. Harris, our next President.

K-A-M-A-L-A!

Instead of being obsessed with my weight and getting on the scale each morning, I decided to relax and weigh myself once a week, on Monday mornings.

Nope!  I didn’t last 24 hours.
(F.Y.I. My scale registers tenths of a pound so small victories are cause for celebration!)

With the single exception of baby formula food expiration dates are not regulated by any actual authority but mostly by producers that wasn’t to be associated with freshness and encourage quick consumption so you will buy more.  It is estimated 38% of America’s food supply. 80 million tons, went uneaten last year.  The United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reports 8 to 10% of greenhouse gasses are caused by food waste.

So now that you have been educated (You are Welcome) quit wasting food!  Use common sense.  Throw away food if:

• You have to cut your milk with a knife.
• The Cheddar Cheese is green.
• The hamburger smells like a high school boy’s locker room.
• Your Jell-O molds…
• Your Yogurt tastes like…Yogurt.

Let’s cut waste and feed a hungry world.

After taking the oath of office, President Ford spoke to the nation in a television address, declaring, “My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.”  In a controversial executive action, President Ford pardoned Nixon for any crimes he may have committed or participated in while in office.

Is there a lesson for us today?  Should we pardon a former president that is a convicted felon, a serial liar, a looter of charitable donations, a draft-dodging philandering troll who may well have committed treason against the country he was sworn to protect?

Hahahahahahahahahahaaha…Oh that was a serious question?  Then, No!

WRONG!  Trick question.  There is no water in the hump, only nutrient dense fat that allows the camel to go long periods of time without food and water. 

I have decided to use my position as a trusted influencer to educate my readers and add “Myth-Busting” to my long list of public service activities. Plus, by educating you I qualify for the Teachers’s Discount at Chuck E.Cheese!  Man, that’s some good eatin’ pizza!

Wise words from writer, professor, poet and civil rights activist Audre Lorde.  She has more than her share of detractors but if you are honest and accept the truth about yourself, truth becomes an impenetrable shield of armor.

I understand that I possess keen insights into life, spout brilliantly worded aphorisms and provide profoundly positive and life-altering guidance without reservation to all who ask without any thought of personal gain.  My astonishing good looks and powerful charisma that charms even the most virulent detractors serves to make me a target of praise that others might cause others to become arrogant and careless.  But I humbly accept my gifts and seek to share them with the world.

The truth has set me free, but I do accept donations.  Details upon request.

I know.  Yesterday’s post ragged on People Mag’s ridiculous boasts about exclusivity on dumb-ass obvious stories.  But indulge me one more time and I will move on.  They are doing a victory lap because they found a cousin-by-marriage of Ben Affleck in some reality show and broke the earth-shattering news she never met him.  How many thousands of magazines did that tasty tidbit sell?

But taking a step back…the new show is “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.”  Hmmm!  Seems promising.  It appears Hulu has actually sunk lower than the Kardashians, promising to expose and exploit sexually repressed Mormon women.  Reprehensible!

I’m in!

People Magazine has done it again, blown the lid off nookie with an exclusive from a “source.”  Brad is happy with Ines! Who’d a thunk it?

Brad and Ines sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!  A handsome, multi-millionaire movie star is happy doing a dark-haired beauty with flawless olive skin, and this is worth an exclusive.  We are a shallow group of voyeuristic degenerates if this is what we call entertainment.  We must demand more from our magazines; meaningful discourse on the human condition, or at a bare minimum, telescopic photos of Ines sunbathing nude on an isolated Greek Island.

People Magazine needs better sources!

Much like olive oil can be used to clean wood, ketchup is a great tool for keeping copper clean. Ketchup contains both vinegar and tomatoes, both of which are acidic and make great cleaning tools on their own. 

The opposite, however, is not always true.  I tried copper cleaner on my French fries with disastrous results.  But no risk is too great to make life better for my adoring readers.

You’re Welcome!