Daily Inflammation

This list from the Guardians of the Aged, the AARP.  

• Boat – Resort Living – Recreational Vehicle – Dream House – Fancy Cars – Giving to Adult Children – Time-Share – Pricey Musical Instruments – Impulse Purchases On-Line.

From another source (to remain anonymous based on the writer’s request) a list of less expensive purchases retirees rarely regret:

• Skimpy French costumes for domestic help.
• High-powered binoculars with night vision.
• Stacks of one dollar bills for “Wild Night Out.”
• Tinder cellphone app (or Grindr, perhaps?)
• Burner cellphone.
• Anything you order that promises delivery in a plain, unmarked envelope.
• Sweat pants, Tee Shirts and more sweat pants.

 “These are all fluid and gender neutral.  Enjoy” The Author

It has been verified that a 43 year old woman, Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout, who resides in Flushing, Queens, New York, not only does NOT have a monthly credit card charge for an unused gym membership, but has 6 streaming services and not only knows the exact cost of each but actually watches shows on all 6. 
                        Truth is stranger than fiction!

**Ed Note:  As a child Ms. Stout became infamous for her refusal to take the garbage out. (And if you don’t get the reference pick up a book once in a while!)

Narcissism, in its most basic form, is like being the star of your own movie. You’re the lead character, and everyone else is just a supporting actor. It’s a personality trait where a person has an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for excessive attention and admiration. They may have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism and can often have a lack of empathy for others. But despite this outward shell of ultra-confidence, they may have a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism and go around calling everyone else derogatory names.

Oh come on!  You don’t have to be Sherlock Freaking Holmes to figure out which presidential candidate has a double case of the Me-Me-Me-Me disease.

This Medical Moment is brought to you as a public service in hopes you will vote to save Democracy!

I didn’t think it was possible but there is something I care about less than the Kardashians.

**Spoiler Alert:  She saw Bruno Mars and Lady Gaga at the Intuit Dome in Inglewood, California.  I’d have gone with her for that!

As the self-described top Influencer when it come s to improving your life, I have an ironing hack that will provide you the winning strategy in the eternal battle against the wrinkle.  You have 2 ways to go here:

1. Wrap your wrinkled garment around 4 ice cubes and tumble it in the dryer on high heat for 10 minutes.  The item will emerge wrinkle free.
2. Alternatively take the 4 cubes and put them in a tall glass with a minimum of 3 fingers of  Glenfiddich, Johnny Walker,  Bombay, Grey Goose or your choice of beverage, wear your wrinkled shirt and if anyone comments on it prominently display your extended middle finger and tell them to “suck on this wrinkle for 20 minutes.”

Either way your wrinkle-related problems will be over. Others will soon learn to respect your space…and choice of attire.

Interesting but incomplete information, again, from The Better Report.

“Gray hair is caused by the loss of a pigment called melanin, which provides pigmentation to hair, eyes, and skin. There are two types of melanin found in hair: eumelanin, which is darker in tone, and pheomelanin, which is lighter. As these pigments diminish with age, hair follicles turn white.”   But there’s still no clear explanation for what starts the process of melanin loss.  It’s possible that stem cell failure, genetic defects, or environmental pollutants could be to blame,

More plausible reasons for turning gray include:

1. Finding out they put a hidden camera in the lunch room to catch a food thief.
2. Discovering “Thai Massage” does not automatically mean “Happy Ending.”
3. Realizing the term “Final Notice” on an electric bill precedes getting service cut.
4. Hearing they do occasionally reconcile the petty cash box.
5. Learning too late the “Notice to Appear” date on a traffic summons is not optional.
6. Your lawyer explaining how an overzealous D.A. turns a misdemeanor into a Class A Felony.

If none of these apply, try the most obvious reason for your hair turning gray:  Having Children!

The Better Report tells us there is a power button on a microwave oven that allows me to adjust the amount of waves being zapped through your food.

I have never used the power button.  I put the food on a microwave safe plate and press the button corresponding to the number of minutes I want to food to heat.  They say if you adjust the power to a lower setting you can cook eggs without the yolk exploding, Oats without them boiling over, warm milk without scalding and melt butter without scorching.  Where’s the fun in that?

Why do they always try and ruin a good thing?

It appears one does not need talent, brains, beauty or personality to make a fortune and become famous.  Just get TLC or E to film you and the idiots will follow.

• The Kardashian/Jenner Cabal: I guess 6 nothings make a something?
• Mama June & Honey Boo Boo: Trailer Park Chic!
• Donald Trump: The leader of the Republican Party. They must be so proud!
• Brittany Spears:  Thin, reedy voice and no other talent = STAR POWER!
• Gypsy Rose Blanchard:  She did her time.  Good for you but don’t make us suffer.
• Kody Brown of Sister Wives: Someone get him a bottle of shampoo, a loofah and cancelled.

There are many more but I can only think of a few at a time and keep my lunch down.  
(Those of you who think I rant out of jealousy…uh…no…uh..Shut Up!)

‘Hell on Earth” is an apt description of these four frightening locations:

• Death Valley, California:  All deserts, with their vast expanses, scary animals, dark and cold nights, oppressive daytime heat, and lack of water are a tremendous challenge to survival.  But Death Valley presents an exceptionally hazardous environment due to its severe temperatures. It has the highest ambient air temperature ever recorded on the face of the earth, an incredible 134 °F!
• Gates of Hell, Turkmenistan:  The Darvaza gas crater is a burning natural gas field with a diameter of 200–230 feet located in the Central Asian country of Turkmenistan.  This huge hole, brimming with methane gas, first burst decades ago and has continued to burn unabated since.
• Snake Island, Brazil:  As its name suggests, this island is home to a vast array of snakes varying in size. Thousands of years ago, when the island became isolated from the mainland, these reptiles found themselves trapped in this habitat. Over time, their numbers multiplied, currently believed to be about 4,000 and home to the critically endangered Golden Lancehead Pit Viper, (Who cares?). The island is off limits to the public, darn!
• Locker Room, Mar-a-Lago, Florida:  Combining the worst traits of the previous 3 sites, it is perhaps the most dangerous place on earth.  The stale hot air from the decrepit denizens that populate it may well reach 150 °F.  The vitriol spewed emits a vile gas that can ignite at any minute from something as simple as their cloven hooves scratching against the fake marble. The venomous snake population is poisoning the country and if it is allowed back into public office, it might well be the death of democracy.

The first three are a Disneyland attraction compared to the threat of the fourth.

Living languages are constantly changing and adapting. I have seen the birth of many new words over the years.  For example, company names “Fedex” and  “Google” became verbs with the generic meanings of sending a package overnight and doing an internet search.  The Oxford English Dictionary in recent years added dozens of words including “whatev” and “chillax.”  But as new words are born so do old words die.  Following is a list of words that are no longer in use and are being removed from the dictionary.  

As a service to my readers I have added suggested words or phrases for those who might find themselves unable to clearly express their thoughts without the use of these cancelled words.  

1. Fudgel: Pretending to work when you are not actually doing anything.  Replace with: Millennial.
2. Snollygoster:  An unprincipled person, usually a politician.  Replace with: Trumpie.
3. Tyromancy:  The practice of telling fortunes with cheese.  Replace with: Praising Cheeses!
4. Quockerwodger:  A wooden toy figure that moves when a string is pulled; a puppet.  Replace with: Clarence-Thomas.
5. Lanspresado:  One who arrives at a party empty handed.  Replace with: Mooch.
6. Mugwump:  A person who remains aloof or independent, especially from party politics.  Replace with: Genius!
7. Twattle:  Idle talk or gossip.  Replace with: Campaign Speech.

Regardless of what the lexicographers say I am not giving up the word Hornswoggle.