Daily Inflammation

Never underestimate the joy you bring to others and to yourself by the simple expression of gratitude.  It is easy to tell someone you are grateful but the phrase has been overused to the point that merely saying the words has little impact.  You must show your gratitude in actions beyond words.  For those that need the help, you nutters know who you are, here is a list of meaningful ways to express love, respect and gratitude.

1. Place a weekly call to Mom.
2. For 1 day refrain from lamenting the end of democracy caused by the: (pick one) republicans/democrats/Sith Stormtroopers, Joel Osteen.
3. At Least ONCE in your life admit you were wrong.
4. Smile at a random stranger.
5. Give a foot massage (but not to a random stranger).
6. Recycle, do full loads of laundry and turn off the lights when leaving a room.
7. Eat one meal a week with your phone in your pocket.
8. Admit the truth when you lose (you big baby!).
9. Bring someone flowers (but not from the supermarket).
10. Shut up and mind your own business (always a good choice).

Actually, sometimes the easiest way is the best.  I am grateful for you.  Don’t ever change, mean it sincerely!

There was never any Secret.  Matthew has always been open about his choice to not wear deodorant.  Give him a break, not the Axe

All we hear about is the second amendment to the Constitution, the right to form a well-regulated militia.  What about the first amendment, the right to free stench?  We, your loyal fans, offer our support Matthew.  We stand behind you, upwind about 6 feet away.

We have come full circle.
Growing up we had a slot in our front door where the postman slid in our mail.  Others had a box at the curb and had to make the short walk.
Next came groups of boxes for a small radius of homes and the walk to retrieve mail became longer, way too much trouble to pick up a Bed, Bath & Beyond 20% off coupon or a solicitation for charity that includes the most useless free gift ever, a sheet of return address labels to add to the 200 unused sheets you already have in your desk drawer.

We now have “USPS Informed Delivery.”  It only takes a minute to sign up at USPS.com and you will receive a daily email with scans of all the mail that will be delivered to your box.  You can go for days without making the disappointing trek to the mailbox where that hoped for notice of a windfall inheritance or bazillion dollar check from the Publisher’s Clearing House will not be there.

Crushing disappointment without ever leaving the comfort of your home.  Progress!

 

The Parissi were a Celtic, Gallic tribe that dwelt on the bank of the Seine River during the Iron Age and the Roman Era. They lived in France where today the city of Paris is located, whose name was derived from the tribe.  Makes you wonder how some U.S. cities got their name.  Let’s take a look:

CANADIAN, TX:  A city in Hemphill County with a population of less than 3,000.  It is said the people there are not your average immigrant-hating, gun-toting racist Texans and want to be associated with the friendly, maple syrup drinking people of Canada.  Makes sense.
COWARD, SC:  Located in Florence County with a population of less than 1,000.  Rumor has it that the name was chosen when it was discovered the entire male population of Baby Boomers avoided the draft by claiming to have bone spurs.
HOOKER, OK:  Located in Texas County with a population of about 2,000, it was originally named Intelligent City to honor the first and only high school graduate from the area.  Mayor Hogg, seeking to generate additional revenue beyond his moonshine sales, made the name change to attract tourists.
THREE WAY, TN:  A city in Madison County with about the same population of Hooker, changed their name from Missionary Position to Three Way at the same time Hooker did in order to compete for the tourist trade.  While Hooker initially got more tourists, Three Way soon surpassed them and became the vacation spot of choice for the more experienced traveler.
AMERICAN FORK, UT:  32 miles southeast of Salt Lake City the city has a population of just over 30,000.  It was originally named simply Fork City but after they built a University there the students proudly wore tee shirts with an extended finger proclaiming “Fork U!” The city elders acted quickly; the finger was removed and the American added.

There is a website whose daily communication guarantees to make you the smartest person in the room.  Its content covers all the day’s top news and info—sports, science, culture, politics, business, and more—in a concise and impartial 5-minute morning email.  I don’t need to read it as most of the time I am the smartest person in the room…if Linda is elsewhere and I am self-quarantined.

It still counts.

Another helpful email.  But this was so obvious I deleted it before reading.  
There is one reason that encompasses them all.  You are wasting money because you are shopping at Walmart.  Their prices are no longer that low and I am pretty sure I saw Alice Walton shopping at Costco!
Even with her $70 Billion she knows a good deal when she sees it!

I won’t keep you in suspense.  Bill wrote about what the world Health Organization is doing to combat the malaria carrying mosquito in Sub-Saharan Africa.  While this is a noble effort I want to do something as important for America!  We have mosquitos too and we need help in combating them. 

Again, Fred to the rescue.  I received this email today from Orkin Pest Control.
“Summer may be coming to an end, but there’s still plenty of time to savor the outdoors. Schedule now to save $50 on Mosquito Control.”

With this kind of savings no one need suffer the agony of an itchy mosquito bite.  This offer was sent directly to me but I have verified that if you tell them I sent you they will selflessly allow you to benefit from these substantial savings.
You’re welcome.

Hi Ladies and Germs:
Fred’s channeling me as a space filler.  I thought I’d try to update my material. Here goes:

A guy came up to me in front of trump tower and asked for $2,000 for a cup of coffee.  I said a tall mocha latte at Starbucks is only $6.00.  He said “I need to drink it in Florida since I have been disgraced and the D.A. in NYC is out to get me.

For their anniversary she asked her husband to take her somewhere she had never been before, so he took her to an American Citizenship class.  So how did you become a citizen, I asked?  She replied I got an EB-1 immigrant visa also known as an “Einstein Visa,” reserved for those that bring special skills and talents needed in the country.  But you had to take your website down because you lied about your education.  You didn’t get a college degree.  She said I didn’t need a degree, I did something much more difficult to get here.  I let  an orange narcissistic sociopath climb on me!  I should get a star on the Walk of Fame along with citizenship.

I’ll be here all week.  Don’t forget to tip your waitress…I mean server.

INFLUENCER
{in-floo-uhn-ser}
       Individual with an internet presence that gives false hope to their follower, a group of mindless sycophants who seek acceptance in a world they do not understand by copying  superficial qualities they inexplicably admire in the false hope of improving their pathetic lives.  Famous influencers or “Douchebags” as they are commonly called, who make vast sums of money off the shattered dreams of their followers may include anyone famous with the last names Kardashian, Jenner or trump.  Lesser known influencers make money off getting enough lemmings to click onto their ad-infested site and get paid by the advertisers for every click on an ad.
     Why didn’t I think of that?

 

I started to read this article but I have trouble maintaining my concentration on any list longer than 3 items so let me summarize this for you:

• 1 – 33:  Any MAGA rally where lame-brains with too much time on their hands believe exposing yourself and others to a deadly virus without taking the slightest precaution is the best method of exercising their constitutional freedom to be stupid.
• 34: Public Restrooms where the door handle is 300 times more likely to have germs than the toilet seat.
• 35: Everywhere else.