Daily Inflammation

This headline is an exact quote from an article in New Yorker Magazine.

There is comfort in knowing I am never again to enter the dating scene.  Good thing Linda and I met and fell in love before I became insufferable.  And while it may make it tough on the dating circuit, there are many job opportunities open to insufferable boors with bland personalities.  So if this describes you take heart, lower your expectations and apply for one of the following careers:

• Candidate for Political Office
• Executive in The Trump Organization
• Kardashian Brand Influencer
• Color Commentator for Curling Matches
• TSA Agent
• Insurance Sales**

**Editor’s Note:  Before I get letters from The Royal Society of Insurance Salespeople expressing outrage about Fred’s characterization of insurance salespeople as insufferable boors please remember two things: 1)This is an attempt at a humorous posting and 2) It happens to be true.

Which, as you may have already guessed, is not excited at all.  In fact, when measured against the Benchmark of Banality, the Kardashians, it registers high on the irrelevance meter.

 The one highlight of the new series is that Kim Cattrall, the marginally adequate actress that haunted the original run, chose to show compassion to the world  by not emerging from her cocoon of obscurity to reprise the role of Samantha; a role she so overacted it became the dramatic equivalent of finger nails on the blackboard.

So if you do watch it let me know what you think.  On second thought, don’t!  My ears might bleed just having to hear about it.

I love the “Thought for the Day” from the Edgar Cayce Foundation. Here is a recent jewel”

“(Q) Why do I tire so easily? How can I gain more strength and endurance?
(A) Most of this is in your mind. But also, in your regular activities and quit worrying!”  ECRL 288-53

Not since Professor Harold Hill taught the kids of River City Iowa to learn to play their instruments using the “Think System,” has anyone given such self-serving advice.  Let me try it again using something I like to call “Common Sense.”

Why do you tire easily?  If you are not suffering with an energy-draining illness it is probably because you lead a sedentary lifestyle, one for which I am the National Poster Boy. 
How can you gain strength and endurance?  Get on a treadmill, do some resistance training and it would not hurt to eat an occasional salad.

Or take their much easier to swallow advice. “QUIT WORRYING!”  (You’ll probably only have a minor heart attack)

Stellar advice Melvin Udall gave to Nora in the 1997 classic As Good As It Gets, a film classic destined to live forever in the annals of Filmdom.  The film and the advice are eternal.  Let me do my part to breathe new life into this sage wisdom.

“To all who believe that vaccines are a dangerous government plot, our election system is riddled with fraud and out of over 300,000,000 people an ignorant orange narcissist is a good choice for president of their country I share this advice:
     “Sell craZy someplace else.  We’re all stocked up here. How about in Moscow?”

Today the main Facebook site went down for 6 hours.  The stock dropped 5% (a disaster for the 50 families that own 50% of the wealth in the country) and millions of people were left without a place to whine, whine, whine all the time.  You should have thought ahead like me and got their own place to rant and kill time, like on this site.

What would people do without Facebook?

• Talk to their children or spouse.
• Eat dinner with the family.
• Walk the dog.
• Go outside and enjoy the fresh air (if in the limited zone where there actually is still fresh air).
• Plant a tree.
• Reduce carbon emissions.
• Find a cure for cancer.

No need to worry.  It will never happen.  The world is safe for idleness.

The following quote is from the bastion of truth and science, The New York Posts on-line edition.  “A massive comet — so large that scientists had previously mistaken it for a dwarf planet — is hurtling through space toward our solar system and is expected to arrive in about 10 years.”

The downside is the total destruction of the Earth and the end of the human race.  But there are many upsides as well. 

•  For those who believe they have earned a place in heaven it’s all good.  Certainly provisions are being made as we speak to avoid the housing shortage that is sure to occur with a surge in new apartment seekers.
• The time frame coincides with the estimated demise of Social Security funding so, no longer a problem!
• Think about the wild gala the night before it hits.  That’s a party I want to attend.

In truth, there is nothing to worry about; a simple solution.  Richard Branson will provide a Virgin Galactic shuttle to the rock as it approaches.  We get Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Steve Buscemi and Billy Bob Thornton to fly up and set the explosive charges, same as they did in the 1998 documentary about this day, “Armageddon.“
(Note: For those concerned about Bruce Willis ability to save the world at his age know that Jason Statham is ready to step into his role).

Sometimes, as Oscar Wilde pointed out, “Life imitates Art.” 

In “Breakfast of Champions” Kilgore Trout explained to me that in Bermuda, his place of birth, they call mirrors leaks.  So if someone there says “I am going to take a leak,” it means they are about to steal a mirror.  It got me thinking about what other words or statements mean other things to other people based on their origin, generation, intelligence or even gender.  I thought of a few examples where you must look beyond the obvious to find the truth.  Let’s start with communications between spouses or any romantically linked couple:

They Say:   “I don’t need a present, I just need you.”   
It Means:    “I expect a gift and it better make a sizeable dent in your credit limit!”

They Say:    “Go ahead out, I’ll be fine here on my own tonight.”
It Means:     “Take one step out that door and you will rue your decision for eternity.”

They Say:      “I’d Love to watch “The Notebook” with you…AGAIN.”  Or
                           “I’d Love to watch “Solo, A Star Wars Story” with you…AGAIN.
It Means:       “OMG, I’d rather drink Drano, poke my eyes out or watch Fox News.”

They Say:       “You are sexier than Emilia Clarke (as Daenerys Targaryen).”   Or
                             “You are sexier than Jason Momoa.”
It Means:        “I’d crawl a mile on my belly for one night with (__Pick One__).” 

We will explore others in the future.  Stay tuned.

Who Moved My Cheese?,  a book written by Dr. Spencer Johnson, M.D. is the story of  two cute-as-a-button mice, Sniff and Scurry,  as they navigate a maze to find their cheese.  It is a simple parable about change; different attitudes toward facing and successfully dealing with the inevitability of change.

In fact, in my previous life, I sold the video version (as did many of you readers) and even attended a change workshop where the video program was the main training content.  But nothing prepared me for the actual harsh reality of dealing with this specific change.  Heed my cautionary tale.

       Yesterday at 11:45 AM I went to the refrigerator to get the ingredients for a grilled cheese sandwich, my choice for lunch.  I opened the first drawer in the refrigerator and glanced to the upper right corner where the slices of sharp cheddar normally reside but alas, there was no cheese to be found.  As I staved off my initial panic, wiping the sweat from my brow, I began frantically searching from the top of the butter tray to the frigid nether regions where the seldom used brown sugar is stored. No Cheese.  My first thought, LINDA! 
     I kept my emotions in check and casually asked, “Linda, have you seen the sharp cheddar?”  She quickly replied with no fluctuation in her voice, “Nope.”  Oh, she was as cool as a cucumber but I was not to be deterred from my quest.  I asked her to sit in my chair and I shone the light from my iPhone directly into her eyes, the purpose for which it was created, I believe.  “Let me ask you again, COMRADE, have you seen the cheese?”  Without as much as a flinch she replied “Did you look in all the drawers including the bottom one where you may be required to bend at the waist?” (A skill which has diminished with my age and weight).
     I smugly replied “Yes, I did, and it’s not there!”  She responded fast as lightning “Did you move anything, like perhaps the alfalfa sprouts you insist on buying but rarely eat?”  I stealthily moved to the refrigerator, all the while keeping an eye on her to make sure she did not slip from my clutches. I opened the vegetable bin, moved the sprouts and there, tucked neatly in the corner was the vacuum-sealed package of Tillamook Sharp Cheddar!  Eureka I exclaimed, but silently, only in my mind so as not to betray my thoughts.
     A quick mental assessment of the situation convinced me asking her to make me the grilled cheese might not lead to my desired outcome, so instead of humiliating myself I matter-of-factly said “You may go.”
      Although I could tell she was masking great relief at being vindicated, she left the room shaking her head and commented “You really need to get a hobby!”