Daily Inflammation

On December 31, 2020, in these very pages I bid farewell to Cap’n Crunch cereal.  I still get nostalgic at breakfast and miss its sugary deliciousness.  But the added fiber does do its job… A story for another time.   This is about my dear friend Horatio Magellan Crunch.

As you all know he came from Crunch Island, home of Mount Crunchmore. His first name, Horatio, is a tribute to Horatio Nelson, the British naval hero who led his men to victory in the Battle of Trafalgar. His middle name is a nod to 16th-century Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan.  And although I am now a steel-cut oats and non-GMO Shredded Wheat and Bran man, I still have a warm glow in my heart for The Captain and wish to right an egregious injustice perpetrated on him by the soulless ghouls at Quaker Oats who themselves are controlled by nefarious puppet-masters at PepsiCo.

The shocking reality is the three stripes on his uniform represent a commodore rather than a captain.  Stand with me, post your outrage on social media, write to congress.  Say WE DEMAND that from here forward the cereal be called Commodore Crunch!

(P.S. And while you’re at it Quaker Oats, lose those horrible tasting Crunch Berries.  The only food more disgusting than that is Pumpkin-Spice Oreos).

Have you read “A Gentleman in Moscow?”  No?  Then you have not done your homework.  Look at the “Best Books Ever” section in this website start reading.

Based on “Gentleman” alone I would say Amor Towles is one of the best living American novelists…throw in the dead ones as well.  It is that good.  And he has followed it up with “The Lincoln Highway.”  I am not a reviewer and certainly do not want to discuss the plot so you just have to read it.  There is no padding in his writing.  Every word is there for a reason. He masterfully cultivates our understanding of unsympathetic characters (see Duchess) and touches our heart with those we choose to care about (many others).

Sorry, no witty punchline.  Read the books, you’ll thank me.  And if you do not agree with me (how dare you?)  I have a middle finger at the ready to respond to your contrarian balderdash!

Yes, I hear you, all lives matter.  But apparently some of you special needs people are unable to comprehend that the Black Lives Matter movement is a plea for equality and not a claim of superiority.  It is an attempt to level the playing field.  I support the quest for true equality for everyone on earth, including our cuddly little blue friends living in their masterfully engineered mushroom shaped houses in the forest.

In the interest of full disclosure I have a personal stake in this issue.  Many years ago I attempted to cross racial barriers and ardently pursued Smurfette.  She rejected my advances and chose to be with Hefty Smurf instead.  She was probably right to steer clear of me.  As much as we hate to admit it racial prejudice is still rampant in our society.  We’d have never made it.  Outside the Smurfs forest community, White and Blue don’t mix well.  Both people become lighter shades of their former self.  

“Life has taken us down different roads, Smurfette.  But we will always have the memory of those lazy Saturday morning Cartoon-fests together.”

 Actually it happened 30 years ago. In 1991, the Protocol on Environmental Protection was enacted, banning all non-native species (except humans). The goal was to prevent the introduction of infection or disease from outside.

A life-saving idea:  We expand the ban by changing the geography to local public gathering spots like supermarkets and restaurants and swap dogs for unvaccinated humans who refuse to wear a mask.  By doing this we too can stop the proliferation of disease into our population.   

Get vaccinated you brainless weenie!  (I mean that in the nicest way)

As a public service to those of us that have gathered enough years to collect social security, (which BTW is money we have paid in all our working lives and not a government give away as many ass-hats in congress say), I read various helpful articles to save my fellow ancients time and money.  

In the above named article the first tip was to take advantage of the 10% Senior Discount at such fine dining establishments as Appleby’s, Denny’s, Subway and IHOP.  While you will save a few dollars off the menu prices, the likely trip to the emergency room to get your stomach pumped, or at least a healthy dose of Imodium A-D would cost more than you saved.

Tip #1:  Eat at home.
You’re Welcome.

I got an invitation today to shop on-line at an e-store called Misfits Market.

How did they find me?
How did they know?

Who’s Guiding principle of governing was the following:
         The Big Lie!  If you continue to say it over and over people will start believing regardless of how outrageous the falsehood?

1. Mao Tse Tung
2. Adolph Hitler
3. Donald Trump
4. All of the Above

Exactly!

It’s the wrong time of the year to stop and smell the roses, so we need an alternate metaphor to get you people to slow down and savor the gifts of life. 
(I do turn a beautiful phrase…) 
Rhubarb grows faster in the dark.  Forced Rhubarb, as it’s called, can grow by as much as an inch a day and the rapid growth actually produces an audible sound. 

So when life gives you a punch in the gut, draining all the joy out of your miserable existence and the last rain to Paradise departed the station 20 minutes ago without you on board,  Take heart, there is still hope!

Simply descend into a dank, moldering cellar, sit in the dark and listen for the ethereal melody of rhubarb growing.  
If that doesn’t put a lilt in your step and a song in your heart then I am at a loss. Seek professional help!

This the subject line of an email I received from Simon & Schuster today.
First, let me say I am flattered that the Chinese government even knows who I am, and that they would actually enlist one of the most respected publishing houses in the world to deliver a message to me.  I have been to China 5 times, (4 with Linda), two for business and three as a tourist. I tried to keep a low profile and blend into the scenery but it appears my covert actions were futile against so formidable an opponent.

Reading on I discovered the book in question was “Red Roulette” by Desmond Shum.   You may be more familiar with the author by his nickname, Dim Shum. He is known for his temper and often gets steamed, but when he dances he likes to dip and take a Bao.  He is a real pot-stickler for details but only a Prawn in the game.  Says who?  Sesame!  (If you are not conversant in Chinese Dim Sum you missed some comedy gold here!)

Anyway…”Red Roulette” is a riveting insider’s story of how the communist party and big money work in China today.  Sounds interesting but China does not want me to read it and I am in enough trouble already, so not anxious to start another fight with them.  I will let some time pass until I drop off their radar, then maybe borrow a copy. 
If you happen to read it take notes, then pass them to me in homeroom.

You can imagine my excitement when I read the subject line of this email.
Who was searching for me and for what reason?  I was able to think of only 2 possibilities: a long lost relative died and his attorney was trying to find me to inform me of my substantial inheritance or I forgot about a savings account I opened 50 years ago that has now grown to over $1,000,000.00.

But alas, apparently putting retired on my LinkedIn profile does not exempt me from searches, so these 5 people wanted to consider hiring me for a job.  Yuck comes to mind.  This quickly transformed from a dream come true to a nightmare.  The 5 companies considering me were most likely Elm Street Industries, Jacob’s Ladders, Arachnophobia Motors, Schizoid & Phrania LLC and Styx River Shuttles.

For now I am off the job market and will continue relying on my Social Security pension and, of course, the kindness of strangers.