Daily Inflammation

Really?
In my youth we called that being a “Jerk-Off.”

I am often told I am an inspiration by my thousands of adoring fan (Linda).

Contrary to popular belief, however, I was not Jim Henson’s inspiration for his green furry monster Oscar the Grouch.  That honor goes to a rude waiter at the New York restaurant Oscar’s Salt of the Sea. But let’s not condemn all servers based on one bad experience.  In fact, we should all take this opportunity to thank our restaurant servers from all types of eating and drinking establishments. 

Servers are on the front lines of getting back to normal in these pandemic days, when fun and relaxation are so rare.  Be understanding if there attitude and service is less than stellar.   You don’t know what they have been through.   Perhaps their boss insisted they get to work on time.  They might have been pressured to clean the soup off the menus or fill ketchup bottles and salt shakers before getting their first break.  And a full shift taking patrons orders, memorizing specials (or reading from the cheat sheet), and the endless carrying plates of food to their tables.  Add bringing extra napkins and filling water glasses and you have fertile ground for a nervous breakdown.

Perhaps I was not the model for Oscar the Grouch but you can make a case for my being the inspiration for Bevis’ pal Butthead.  Yes?

I was so happy to receive this news in my inbox this morning.  I was certain the deadline had passed for you to pick something appropriate out for me.  Norwegian Cruise Lines, the Santa Claus of travel gifts, was suggesting an excursion to the Mexican Riviera or Hawaii.  Either would be fine even though I was hoping for Spain, Ireland and The United Kingdom.  But the Mexican Riviera or the Aloha State are Muy Bueno as well. 

So play it by ear, let your conscience be your guide, go with your gut and do the right thing.  I simply wanted to give you a suggestion in keeping with my personal moral code: “It is better to give than receive!”

Each year on your birthday Facebook makes it easy to entice your friends to donate to a worthy cause in lieu of giving you a gift which, by the way, they had no intention of doing in the first place.

This year I am taking them up in their offer to help an important cause.
Please locate a friend or stranger that is so riddled with unreasonable fear and has had their brains so scrambled by some conspiracy theory website that they have not as yet been vaccinated.  Then pay for a round-trip Uber to take them to the nearest pharmacy to get vaccinated so they may join the world in eradicating a killer virus.
Bless you all.

I guess that answers the question as to why Fred and Mary Anne Trump named their son Experience and he changed it to Donald.

And for those of you that are less perceptive the helmet I refer to is a condom and the soldier that wears the helmet is…well if you have to be told that you might as well skip the rest of this post as it will have no meaning to you.

The law signed in October by California Governor Gavin Newsom, one of the few politicians that actually cares about their constituents, makes it a civil offense under state law for someone to remove a condom without their partners consent; a practice known as “stealthing” that turns consensual sex into a form of rape, exposing the victim to possible disease and unwanted pregnancy.  I can hear the Neanderthal misogynists stroking their AR-15s and decrying new impediments to sexual assault, or as they call it, Saturday Night.

I say “Bravo California!”  I hope other states follow your lead.  And to the angry few potential rapists, take heart, no condom is required if you are flying solo.

 

Much like all efficient government organizations, the SSA helps by letting you start the application for your child’s Social Security Number before you leave the hospital.  Additionally the SSA famously releases an annual list of the most popular name choices.  The List lets you search for top names by year, decade and state and see how your own handle (or any other) has held up over time. It’s a treasure trove of ideas for naming your newborn, a task so daunting apparently they believe many parents are trapped in the hospital for days trying to complete the forms.

So if you wish for the government to get an early jump on tracking your kids here is a list of the top 10 suggestions for names in keeping with the “new order.” 

1. Artoo-Deetoo
2. THX-1138
3. Roomba
4. Hal
5. Tron
6. Klara
7. Number 6
8. Wall-E
9. Optimus Prime
10. Marvin

I had to…

• Pinch a loaf.  Good thing I was in a bakery.
• Squeeze the cheese.  Fortunate of me to be in a grocery store.
• Take the Browns to the Super Bowl.  Lucky I was in Cleveland.
• Unloose the caboose.  Happened to be in the train station.
• Log an entry.  I keep a journal.
• Offload some freight.  Got to FedEx just in time.
• Plant some corn.  I was in the garden.
• Make room for lunch.  It was Noon.
• Deploy the USS Brownfish.  By chance I was at the shipyard.
• Get something down on paper.  Lounging in my home office.
• Download some software.  Good timing as I was in front of my computer.

Just when you think you can’t sink any lower, the urge is unstoppable!

 

Welcome.
Join me in becoming present and letting the cares and worries you carry with you float away.  Yesterday is gone and tomorrow has not arrived; there is only the here and now. 

Take a deep breath and forget about the meaningless crushing debt under which you live, whether it be from credit cards, rampant borrowing or student loans.  Realize you will never go back to school, learn a language or play that instrument.  Take a deep breath and accept the harsh realities of today’s banal existence and gut-wrenching political turmoil.  You are where you will remain, a rudderless vessel caught in the vortex of a tumultuous sea, edging ever closer to the Bermuda Triangle…and that’s ok.
Now close your eyes and effortlessly slip into a deep, nurturing sleep.

Namaste.

Although our athletes will still be able to attend the 2020 Winter Olympic Games, the U.S. and now Australia have said there will be a “Diplomatic Boycott: of the event.  I assume that means we taxpayers will not have to foot the bill for our representatives taking an all-expense paid vacation in Beijing.

But China has threatened to make us pay the price.  So I guess we can expect huge price increases at Walmart since somewhere in the neighborhood of 99% of their merchandise comes from there.

I just hope P.F. Chang doesn’t raise the price of their Lettuce Wraps.  They’re already $13.00 for a leaf of lettuce and 12 cents worth of filling…but good!