Daily Inflammation

The AARP is at it again helping the Senior Generation with advice on buying stuff that ranges from “No, Duh!” to “No Way!”

1. Books – No duh.  Just check and make sure the person you are buying them from did not read in the bathroom.
2. Pet Items – No way.  I would not want a dog of mine chewing on another dogs slobber-soaked rawhide strip…It’s bad enough he sniffs other dog’s butts.
3. Musical Instruments – No Duh.  The price of a new Calliope is prohibitive to the common man.
4. Vintage and Fashion Clothing – No Duh.  How do you buy authentic vintage clothing new?
5. Holiday Items – No duh.  Why pay full price for a 1994 Fruit Cake.
6. Glassware – No Duh. Maybe, if you can get crystal goblets at a garage sale for $5 each.  Otherwise stick with your jelly jars.
7. Sporting Goods – Uh, Possibly: Beginner set of golf clubs, sure.  A used parachute harness, probably not.
8. Fitness Equipment – No Duh.  Sure, why pay retail for something that is going to sit unused in the garage?
9. Wooden and Yard Furniture – Tricky.  Upholstered furniture may have bugs and, if it was owned by a single nerd with a poster of Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman on his wall, is most likely saturated with DNA. (May have think for minute on this one?)
10. Electronics – No Duh.  I hear you can get a great deal on an iPhone 6!

Choose wisely, Grasshopper.

When I was nearing retirement age I used the borrowed line “I know I’m getting old because all my fantasies have to do with money.”  But I am older and wiser (I hope) and I realize even though I could always use a few dollars, money is not the most important thing in life.  I have enough.

Then I said goodbye to my childhood love Cap’n Crunch Cereal and took up with Shredded Wheat and Bran, a cereal whose high fiber content better addressed my changing needs.

But even as I continue to gather years there remains fire in the furnace!  Contrary to outward appearances, I am still up for a little “ooh la la” in my life.  And being quite energetic first thing in the morning, I express my wild side through a threesome in my cereal bowl.  I invited my secret love to dive in with us.  This morning my Shredded Wheat and I were joined by my secret love, Honey Nut Cheerios!”  It did not disappoint!

And to those wondering, yes, Linda was there and witnessed the entire affair.  And although she did not participate or comment, I assume that the shaking of her head and rolling of her eyes was tacit approval of my new foray into breakfast debauchery.

I don’t believe I need to say this because my veracity is without question but some feel I may edge slightly off the rails at times; the phenomenon known as a “Senior Moment.”  But this is real…sort of.

“The most boring person in the world has been revealed by University of Essex research – it is a religious data entry worker, who likes watching TV, and lives in a town.”  The paper describing this personality type was published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

It is rumored (this is the off-the-rails part) that when he did not get the award, Kanye West went ballistic and was further enraged after discovering there was no award show in which he could run on stage, take the statue off a girl half his size and then rant on camera about the injustice of the decision.

Let the Tweet Storm begin!
(**Editor’s Note:  We have confirmed that Pete Davidson has no connection to the University of Essex and is not involved in this controversy, damn!)

Just apply the required amount of Hydrogen Peroxide directly on the stain and the blood will disappear.

There is not, however, enough of the chemical in Russia or in existence to clean the hands of the modern day incarnation of “Vlad the Impaler.”  Bram Stoker showed us there is only one way to end his reign of terror.  Does anyone have Jonathon Harker or Abraham Van Helsing’s phone number?

Although Linda feels that in our seventies the likelihood of us having another child is quite slim, she has agreed that if a miracle happens I can pick the child’s name.

I have decided to name him in honor of one of the great figures in American Literature and Saturday morning cartoons.   I hope you all look forward to meeting Squidward Q. Tentacles Berman!  Another bit of good fortune; he already has an Uncle SpongeBob!

Have any of you ever had to call the support line for help with an Apple product?  Not only are they amazingly easy to get on the phone but then they follow up with the email quoted in this title.  They fixed my problem in one call and was told it was a common problem so, in my new capacity as a major influencer, I freely share the following information:
    Lately most of the apples I purchase are mushy and on the tart side. Support suggested I try the “Washington Cosmic Crisp” variety, on sale this week at Fred Meyer in Oregon for 97 cents a pound.  Another choice that never disappoints are the “Honey Crisps” from Hooper Orchards.

You are most welcome!  Stay tuned for more tips to make your life just a bit better.

Expecting to see a recipe?  As a public service I have deleted it.  The only edible substance grosser than rice pudding is rice pudding with raisins.  I got your back!

Yes, there are one thousand things you can name that are not wise; sticking your hand into a rotating meat grinder, packing your own parachute for your first jump or urinating on the electric rail of the Downtown Chicago “L” tracks.  But I am referring to things that many are still doing and will cause emotional as well as physical pain.  Please refrain from:

1. Subscribe to a magazine from Publishers Clearing House even though you may have won $10,000,000. (You didn’t)
2. Give your Social Security number to a Nigerian Prince.
3. Fly in a Boeing 737.

I know these things.

The French Philosopher Michel de Montaigne said these words that ring true to all of us.  If someone said it better before why not use what is already there? (Giving proper credit, of course).

Thank you Jim Jeffries for providing clarity and speaking for all of us when said:
“For me, Mr. T and Donald Trump are the same sort of phenomenon – they’re guys with catchphrases and wacky hair.”

I haven’t been to Starbucks in well over a year so my bonus stars are about to expire (they should have expired a year ago).  In their infinite generosity they emailed me extending the star’s life and imploring me to return and use my stars, enough for a free cup of mediocre coffee. I am going to pass, but if you happen to be in Wilsonville before my stars self destruct I will give you my card so you can avail yourself of their gracious offer.

If you get a cup of Starbucks for free is it still overpriced?