Our friends at the AARP are at it again, giving us doddering old curmudgeons tips on how to better our lives as we sail into that long goodnight.  But this article stands out not for what it included, but what it left out.

They really blew the lid off nutrition telling us what we need more of and how to get it.  You can read the article but I’ll just give one example.  We need water!  I’m glad they told us how to get that one.  Every day I go to the faucet and wonder if this is the day it will no longer flow.

But their glaring omission was that they failed to mention Testosterone, the primary sex hormone and anabolic steroid in males.  How do you up your levels of testosterone as you gather years?  OH, wait.  Don’t misunderstand.  I certainly don’t need it, in fact, I need to have less. I ooze testosterone!

Just asking for a friend.

This Smiling Moment brought to you by YouTube!

 

An Interesting conversation we had.

Me:       I am spinning out of control Master Yoda.  I’ll try to move forward.
Yoda:   “Do or do not.  There is no try.”
Me:       I worry about our country and our world.  It has become a strange place; I fear we are regressing as a society.
Yoda:  “Listen you must.  Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Me:      But all we get from our leaders is lies intended to make us hate and be afraid.  How do you explain that?
Yoda:  “Assholes they are.  Overthink it do not.”
Me:      I get it.  From here on forward I will move!
Yoda:  “Believe it I will when see it I do.”

“April 18 is the official deadline for filing federal income tax returns in the United States this year. Since 1950, individual income taxes have been the primary source of revenue for the U.S. government, accounting for over 80 percent of federal revenue.”  But why thank Abraham Lincoln.?

Income taxes in the United States date back to the Civil War when Abraham Lincoln signed the nation’s first-ever tax on personal income into law to help pay for the Union war effort.  But it was not until over 150 years later that a billionaire president cut taxes for the wealthy and corporations so that most of the burden of taxes fall on the people who are in the middle and lower-middle range of income earners.

In my imaginary conversation with Honest Abe as he was rolling over in his grave, he asked me how the republican party went so far astray and wanted me to switch his affiliation to the democrats.  I explained to him he could do it at the DMV next time he renewed his driver’s license.

I’m hanging on by a thread…

The on-line site Wealthy Nickel published a list of what they deem the 10 most useless jobs on the planet.  I agree with 9 of them from the list that included bathroom attendant, HOA Administrator, paparazzi, car dealer and grocery store greeter.  But I strongly take issue with one misguided choice; Pet Psychic!

I speak from personal experience.  I had wonderful English Bulldog named Chauncy and as hard as I tried I could not seem to make him happy.   Although it was quite expensive I felt Chauncy’s happiness took precedence over trifles like rent and food.  After only 6 sessions the psychic discovered Chauncy missed his mother and I could get him over it with certain specific actions (and regular therapy sessions).  

I am here to report that her suggestions worked better than I could have hoped.  I stopped keeping him from getting on the furniture or trying to hump the leg of guests when they arrived.  I now feed Chauncey table scraps of meat and cheese.  I bought him a ton of bones and toys.  I take him out for long walks and let him off the leash (although removing the leash has proved problematic as I used to have to search for him for hours until I found he heads straight to the yard of the French Poodle on the next block).  Every one of her suggestions seems to have increased Chauncy’s happiness.  The Pet Psychic was worth every penny I paid!

I believe they need to remove pet psychic and replace it with the most useless job ever: #1: Retired Blog Writer.

At Last, a true way to control your environment and get a good night’s sleep; the Loftie Lamp.  The Loftie can be programmed to gradually light, rising from the bottom of the base to the top emulating a sunrise.  Conversely at the chosen time of night it will gradually dim like a sunset.  It acts as a natural alarm clock, gently waking with light rather than a harsh ringing sound, then lull you to sleep with a soft sunset and a cocktail, (alcohol sold separately).  The best results are obtained if you have backout curtains in your bedroom so you remain untouched by the natural order of things.

It is tailor-made for the misanthropic individual who hates people and wants to control his own environment.  Someone who, as perfect as they may be, cannot suffer fools in government, retail outlets or the doofus next door.  And someone who, with 4,000 stations and streaming channels, cannot find a decent television show to watch.

I’ll have 4 sets of blackout curtains and 8 Loftie Lamps.  Hasta Luego Baby!

A language development test’s findings concluded that the average dog has about the same intelligence and mental abilities as that of a 2 year old child. Average dogs can learn over 150 words, including signals and gestures. 

And yet a certain ex-president with a vocabulary twice as large as an average dog cannot understand 2 words, you lost!

     New York City Mayor Eric Adams welcomed the newly appointed Rat Czar Kathleen Corradi at an event on Wednesday.  As the City-Wide Director of Rodent Mitigation, Ms. Corradi’s primary focus will be working with government agencies, community organizations and other groups to crack down on rat populations in the city.
     I hoped that since the biggest rodent family in New York had moved to Florida this position could have been eliminated.

Two Florida Rodent jokes in one week.  I’m on fire…Bazinga!
(Dr. Sheldon Cooper could not make the interjection “Bazinga” catch on with his zillions of fans.  Perhaps it will find new life here?)

I think Minka Kelly’s new Memoir Tell Me Everthing poses one big question above all others: “Who the hell is Minka Kelly?”
Hey Minkie:  Most of us had crappy childhoods and we don’t go whining about them 20 years later for money! 

Although, on second thought…If someone really wants to pay me to hear about mine, bring cash, tissues and have a seat…(and snacks; bring Ritz crackers and Yoohoo).

I was channel-hopping desperately trying to find something to watch that did not have gun fights, explosions or car chases.  I came across a show that I took to be an experimental film.  It featured 6 women, obviously not professional actors, talking about relationships.  I found the dialogue scintillating and then, as the plot revealed itself, realized this was a slumber party, friend gathering to share experiences.  As the discussions got more intimate tempers flared and the discussion devolved into what can only be described as a cerebral “bra and panty tickle fight.”  

Apparently by mistake two of the women had ordered pizzas and when two different deliverymen showed up the ladies did not have the money to pay.  This is where the film fell apart for me.  As they went back into the bedrooms, ostensibly to negotiate alternative payment, I switched channels.  I’d rather watch car chases than dry, boring business negotiations.  I guess the new Avant-Garde Cinema is beyond my understanding.

What ever happened to well written, insightful movies like “Plan 9 from Outer Space?”