On October 8, 1871, flames spark in the Chicago barn of Patrick and Catherine O’Leary, igniting a two-day blaze that killed over 200 people, destroyed 17,450 buildings, left 100,000 homeless and caused an estimated $200 million (in 1871 dollars; roughly $4 billion in 2021 dollars) in damages.

Legend has it the fire began when the O’Leary cow kicked over a lantern.  By way of apology, the legend states, Pat and Cathy had their neighbors over the next night to feast on only the finest cuts of the now sizzling bovine treat.  The final part of the legend says the neighbors all stayed overnight and shared rooms with spouses; just not their own.  So apparently some good came out of the fire.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story!

Squirrels are an amazing animal.

Not only can the average tree squirrel clear a space of up to 20 feet across when jumping from tree to tree, they are also capable of leaping four to nine feet straight up in the air.  Squirrels are acrobatic, intelligent and adaptable.  The Eastern Grey Squirrel can run up to 20 miles per hour and they all have the intelligence and agility to zigzag to avoid predators.

No wonder I have been so unsuccessful at catching them.  I guess I’ll have to find a slower animal to bring back to my laboratory for experiments.  Better yet, perhaps I should skip a step and go directly to human trials.  Any volunteers?

Cats have the ability to out-sprint the world’s fastest human runner. The fastest a human can run is about 27 mph, and that speed has been reached by very few talented, well-trained athletes in top condition. Your average athlete may run up to 22 mph, and most of us would have trouble out-running an elephant, which can clip along at around 10 – 15 mph. An average healthy housecat, however, can bolt at an amazing speed of about 30 mph.

To see a demonstration of their speed simply bring out the cat-carrier and mention the word “Groomer” or “Vet” and witness your cat break the land speed record!

It began as what I thought was real.  But when I awoke with a frightening scream playing in my head, drenched in sweat and trembling to my core I was no longer sure; I wasn’t sure of anything.  Was it real or a dream; more accurately a nightmare.  Glancing at the clock as I flew from bed to my computer, 3:33AM.  Checking the news sites I saw no mention of it.  It was a dream!

But now the thought is out in the Universe.  With our government in disarray, empathy replaced by greed and narcissism and a widening disparity in socio-economic strata, what if non-fungible tokens, all of a sudden, became Fungible?

Chaos would reign supreme!

Bill Gates, zillionaire Microsoft guy, in his Gates Notes Blog has some interesting facts regarding math class, specifically algebra; more students here flunk algebra than any other course.  Studies also show that students who finish algebra by the end of ninth grade are likelier to go to college and get well-paid jobs, while those who fail it only have a one-in-five chance of finishing high school.

So why use popcorn?  I assumed it was because this country’s elected officials prioritize so many things over our educational system like allowing the rampant proliferation of weapons and promoting their religious beliefs to control women’s bodies, the remaining meager budget does not allow for textbooks.  So school districts opted to supply salty treats to students for them to enjoy while listening to the teacher lecture.

Actually it has more to do with an innovative and caring 8th grade algebra teacher in Chula Vista, CA, named Amilcar Fernandez.  He has found ways to keep the students engaged and one lesson incudes the method of calculating volume in odd shaped popcorn packages.  I’d go into more detail but I can’t because I failed Algebra III in 9th grade and made it all the way through college without another math class.   

I would, however, enjoy some popcorn.

This from the EAT THIS, NOT THAT newsletter. Hope you have a weak gag reflex.  It might make it possible to get through this list that includes: olive oil sardines dipped in plain Greek yogurt, legume pasta, canned lentils and frozen whole grain waffles washed down with soy milk.  Yum!

Here is a better list of processed food people want from the EAT THIS, NOT THAT HEALTHY CRAP newsletter. Fried Oscar Mayer Bologna on white with mayo; Cheddar Cheese Goldfish; Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (original); Jiffy Corn bread; Marie Callender’s Lattice Cherry Pie and a bag of Chips Ahoy. 

Nothing beats the old classics!

There is a catch, however.  It is only pork that has been created in the laboratory.

For the first time in history, lab-grown meat was recently given a kosher certification.  The Orthodox Union, a leading kosher certification agency, granted its first kosher certification to lab-grown meat made by Super-Meat, an Israeli startup that uses stem cells from eggs. This is a significant development for the world of kosher supervision.

According to The Ingolstadt Gazette, local celebrity recluse Dr. Victor von Frankenstein had worked many long, sleepless nights during violent thunderstorms to create the ersatz meat.  When asked for confirmation, Dr. Frankenstein’s trusted lab assistant Igor said, “Mwaaahhhhahahhahahahahahahahahah! We’ve done it.  You’ve done it Master! I shall toast you with the blood of a small rodent!”

(And, to all you literature buffs, I did mix my characters from two gothic novels, but few will notice if you keep your mouth shut!)

**** Editor’s Note:  No pigs were harmed in the making of this post. 

You all know that I believe in forgiveness above all.  It is important for forgivers and allows them to move on with their lives.

But after 13 months of owning a KitchenAid refrigerator that is a lemon, has been repaired 5 times including a 6 week wait for a part, and now has broken down again and they want a fee even though I paid for a 5 year extended warranty, I am finding it difficult to forgive.

But I will forgive them, right after all the executives contract a fatal disease, grow warts on their noses, discover their spouses have been unfaithful with their best friend, have their employees sue them for sexual harassment and burn in hell for eternity.

Whew!  That felt good!  Now fix my freakin’ fridge or refund my money and forgiveness is yours!

This list from the “Eat This, Not That” website.  The foods are: Chicken breast, salmon, Greek yogurt, eggs, leafy greens, berries, oats, quinoa,  avocado, nuts, legumes and water.  These foods are an integral part of my eating plan often making up 90% of the food I consume in a day and yet my abs still resemble a bowl of pasty white Jell-O.

I must have missed something in the article so I am going to re-read it; actually “read it” would be more accurate.  There are only so many hours in a day!

The above titled instructional email came to me from the NPR Health newsletter and I must share this valuable information with you, my legions of reader.  Are you aware that fiber in your diet has many uses other than to guarantee you a daily front row seat on the porcelain bus?  It does much more than allow you to drop the kids off at the pool once a day, although that is a fortunate byproduct of consuming fiber.  Ushering the browns to the Super Bowl is a great perk but Fiber deserves more credit in its contribution to your overall health.

Diets rich in fiber are linked to a lower risk of major health problems, including obesity, Type 2 diabetes, certain cancers and cardiovascular disease. Fiber helps control blood sugar levels and lowers cholesterol and inflammation.  NPR suggests you add fiber by adding a variety of high fiber foods to your diet such as air-popped popcorn, avocados, sweet potatoes, black beans and chickpeas (I prefer calling them garbanzos, GAR-bon-zos; gar-BON-Zos; gar-bon-ZOs, such fun to say), just to name a few.

So the next time you execute an aerial raid on Porcelainistan, remember your co-pilot Fiber does more than opening the bomber doors!