The White House was visited this Inauguration Eve by the ghost of Jacob Marley.

DT: Jacob, what are you doing here? You died 4 years ago this very night.  And what’s up with those heavy chains?
JM: I carry these chains I forged in life and am doomed to bear the weight and walk the earth.
DT: But you were a good man of business. You avoided taxes, used your alleged charities for personal gain and ignored those in need.
JM: “Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence were, all, my business.
DT: Say what now?
JM: And oh it is a pondersous chain you carry with you, full twice as long as the one I bear. And don’t get me started on the 3 eldest spawns and that son-in-law…Oy vey! We’re talking a chain from here to Poughkeepsie!
DT: Ok, I get it.  I’m bigly smart. But have you donated to my (airquotes) legal defense fund that I am misusing to pay my campaign debts?
JM: “Man of the worldly mind! Do you believe in me or not?” 
DT: I have a tee time soon so yeah sure. Let’s wrap this up. How much do you want? See Rudy or whoever. 
JM: I don’t want money, can’t you see I have no pockets? I am only a warning.
DT: So if this is real and you are not just a figment of an undigested Happy Meal, what do you say I need to do?
JM: Peacefully leave.  Go home to Florida, New York, Moscow, wherever you have the happiest memories. Then, once and forever STFU!

A peice of cardio exercise equipment that jump-starts sustained weight loss by merely owning it.  No use required.   How am I not a millionaire?

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
Oh wait…that’s a mirror.

Imagine being so linked with evil that everyone with your surname changes
it to avoid association with you?  Met any Hitlers lately?
Think of a person so horrible his name will disappear by next generation?
(You’re too late comedians. Already had 3 responses with my name).

“Pandemic” is the word of the year according to Dictionary.com.  Their definition of pandemic, accepted by everyone with an I.Q. in double digits is “a disease prevalent throughout an entire country, continent, or the whole world.”   Braindeaddictionary.com defines it as “a hoax made up by libtards to interfere with the second coming of our virulent führer .

Will it be necessary for Orkin to tent The White House  or can Peter, Ray, Egon and Winston do the job with Neutrona Wands and Proton Packs?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON!
Doesn’t a permanent post on a website beat a card? (It costs less anyway).

Pithy and thought-provoking obserations from the past adjusted to maintain relevance today.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Uber ride to the airport.”

PARABOLA. 
Use in a sentence:  “Check out that Parabolas on her!”
And by Bolas I, of course, am referring to the weapons used by Gauchos in South America.

Some words are just fun to say and make you smile.  My word for today:  Nougat!