Thanks to the “Freedom of Information Act” of 1967, the burning unanswered question “whatever happened to the Transylvania Twist?” became public knowledge.  After the death of Bobby “Boris” Pickett on April 25, 2007  Fox News obtained the recently released documents that proved  the Transylvania Twist is now The Mash; The Monster Mash.  The rest is history.  It caught on in a flash and became a graveyard smash! 
But yet undetermined is WHY?

There is excitement in the underworld today as the barge on the River Styx gets a much awaited passenger. Furnace Manager B.L. Zebub said “It’s all hands on deck to make sure the fire is hot enough to accommodate our most anticipated new arrival!”

Manager of the crumbling club J. Goebbels III gave fuhrer approved reporters a tour of the newly renovated structure.  
” As you can see we stuck with our signature ‘all white’ motif by putting on a fresh coat of our favorite shade, Aryan Pure.
When asked about the lack of color Heir Goebbels replied “Oh, there is a great deal of color.  Our kitchens and lavatories are mostly brown and black.”
Kitchen Manager H. Himmler III responded to the question as to what letter grade The Department of Health rated the club as follows: “Ach du Lieber  I am not sure…but it’s certainly not Z!”

In the past, February 22nd celebrated George Washington’s birthday in 1732.  With the passage of The Uniform Monday Holiday Act of 1971 we now celebrate Presidents Day every third Monday in February.  This year we have much to be grateful for as we once again have a human being with a heart and soul in The White House.
“Yippeee!”

In honor of St. Valentine’s Day, the holiday that commemorates the 1929 massacre of seven members of Chicago’s notorious Northside Gang in the Lincoln Park garage, I am asking that in lieu of a giving me a fabulous gift you make a donation to my favorite charity, “Send A Needy 70 Year Old to Camp.“  This year’s deserving recipient will realize his lifelong dream of a trip to the therapeutic BUNNY RANCH in Moundhouse, Nevada.  The package, The Old-timer’s Happy Ending Special, includes 3 minutes of activity and fifty-seven minutes for rest and resuscitation.  A photo-shopped commemorative portrait is available for an additional charge.

Perhaps Edmund Burke might have edited his thoughts if he was speaking today.
“The only things necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing….and spineless douchebags to vote to acquit!”

Fetlock:  
           Device invented by Jango Fett, Mandalorian Bounty Hunter and “father” of  cloned son Boba Fett.  Its primary purpose was to protect Boba from Jedi Master Mace Windu.

Today’s Superheroes are nothing to marvel at.  In fact, they suck. 
I miss the real heroes I grew up with.
Aquaman sinks beneath Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent.
Superman gets squeeked out by Mighty Mouse.
The Flash is left in the dust by The Road Runner.
Raven pales in comparison to Smurfette.
Batman & Robin are no picnic compared to Yogi Bear & Boo-Boo.
The Hulk turns green with envy by Magilla Gorilla.
I’ll bet none of my friends will post this…Oh wait.  For a moment I thought I was a needy, whining adolescent on FaceBook.

Every St. PATRICKS DAY the Oregon Lottery sells 250,000 tickets at $10.00 each for a drawing in which the top prize is $1,000,000.00.  Since they limit ticket sales and guarantee a winner your chances of getting the million dollars are 250,000 to 1. That is considerably better odds than the 295,000,000 to one odds to win the Powerball.  So if you feel better losing at lesser odds, and you will still lose, by all means buy a ticket and donate your ten dollars to a total stranger.  I speak from experience.

Trying to appear reasonably intelligent and well-spoken?  Omit these three trite phrases from your limited repertoire:
“It’s to die for.”  There are things worth dying for but chocolate cake is not one of them.
“It is what it is.”  Is it also not what it’s not? Just stupid.
“It costs an arm and a leg.”  Only appropriate when negotiating price with Jeffery Dahmer. Just say “it’s expensive.”