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First Day of School in Guilin, China

05.18.2021 by Fred Berman //

      It was the first day of school for the 5 year old children in the ancient remote village of Guilin, located in the Guangxi Region of China, nestled among the ethereal beauty of the limestone mountains bordering the Lijiang River.  As with every child in every country around the world, the boys and girls were apprehensive, excited and almost impossible to get under control.
     Their Teacher Miss Rei-Lee was trying, as she did each New Year, to match the names of the children with their faces. She watched and listened as the school nurse checked temperatures and recorded vital statistics such as height:  Kra-Kah 105 centimeters (cm); Si-Yah the tallest at 111 cm, 104; Lay-Tah, 110 cm; The new boy in the village with an Iranian father and Chinese mother, Ali 108 cm; Dye-Ahl 104 cm and her cousin Wy-Ahl 106cm; lastly the twins, Gae-Tah 107.5cm and Ahf-Tah 107cm.

     Miss Rei-Lee, in search of a method to bring some order to this chaos in a way young children would understand, devised a brilliant plan. Each morning, when the first bell rang alerting the students it was time to enter the classroom, they would line up according to height, a way they can visually comprehend and do without much supervision.  Then for roll call each child would simply state their name.  This solution seemed to work to take roll and teach responsibility to the developing minds.

     Miss Rei-Lee patiently explained the procedure and told the class to line-up by size and then, in order tallest first, to state their names.  It worked well at the beginning: 

“Si-Yah, Lay-Tah, Ali, Gay-Tah, Af-Tah, Wy-Ahl, Krah-Kah, Dye-Ahl.”

But after a few months, as the children grew at different rates, chaos ensued!

Categories // Daily Inflammation

Eating Our Way Around the World

05.17.2021 by Fred Berman //

Linda and I were fortunate to have had the opportunity to visit and dine with so many friends around the world.  We loved tasting the favorite local dishes as we ate our way around and through the world. 
Among our (mostly mine) favorites: 
Vienna Hot Dogs with bright green relish and celery salt in Chicago;  Corned Beef at the Carnegie Deli in NYC;  Sacher Torte (dry Chocolate cake) in Vienna; Adobo and Pancit in Manila; Dim Sum in Hong Kong;  Drunken Shrimp in Beijing; Soup Dumplings in Shanghai; Sweet holiday tamales in Mexico; Falafel in Jerusalem; Ramen in Japan; Gelato in Venice, a lot of Gelato, also in every city with a gelato shop (Linda’s #1 food in the world);  Crêpes aux Fraises in Paris; Soda Bread and Irish Stew on the Quay in Westport;  1/4 Meter Bratwurst in Regensburg; Pannekoek in Victoria; Fish and Chips in London, (plus a special treat, Sunday Roast from Ginny’s Kitchen);  Pad Thai in Bangkok; Street food in Singapore; Pho in Vietnam and Palačinky in Prague.

As the Covid-19 pandemic hopefully wanes we will be back on the road.  One possibility is Palm Beach, Florida.  We hear that the Big Mac with Supersized fries is the local favorite. Yum!

Categories // Daily Inflammation

“Sure, Let’s Get Together. How about a year from Shavuos?”

05.16.2021 by Fred Berman //

HAPPY SHAVOUS, the joyous festival that commemorates God’s giving of the Ten Commandments to Moses.
(Yes, it is fashionable to use the Sephardic Hebrew pronunciation shah-voo-awt but I identify as Ashkenazy so shuh-voo-uhs it is.

Shavuos holds a special meaning for me.  After seeing the 1970 film “The Boys in the Band”  Shavuos became a euphemism for NEVER!  When the party was over Donald said, “Good night Harold, see you again sometime,” to which Harold cynically replied, “Yeah, how about a year from Shavous?”  You did not have to be Dick Tracy to understand that Harold had no desire to see Donald again.

From then on for me and eventually, by association for Linda too, Shavuos was a time never to come since nobody knows when it occurs. “Should we invite the Trumps over for dinner?”  “Yeah, how about a year from Shavuos?”

The problem is that now I know when it is, in one year I will have to see about 150 people I have put off until a year from today.  How do I get myself into these things?

Categories // Daily Inflammation

“No Soup For You!”

05.15.2021 by Fred Berman //

Ever since the day I watched in horror as the New York soup nazi refused service to Elaine Benes simply because she inadvertently deviated from the onerous litany of his unpublished rules of soup ordering, I have been unable to sleep, consumed with answering two intricately philosophical and life-altering questions:

  1. Should we as a society stay silent and be complicit in injustice when unfair punishment is meted out to the proletariat class in an establishment owned by an odious member of the corrupt aristocracy?
  2. More than 2500 years ago Sun Tzu advised us if a battle cannot be won, do not engage.  Is soup worth the fight?

What are your thoughts, Hobson?

 

Categories // Daily Inflammation

Personality Disorder Quiz

05.14.2021 by Fred Berman //

Complete this Sentence “Winning Isn’t Everything…”
Then choose your answer and discover your Personality Equivalent!

A:  It’s the only thing!   Uninspiring athletic coach.
B.  It’s how you play the game.  Loser!
C.  Getting a six figure salary for minimal work is!   A Millennial.
D. If our child gets a Participation Award.  Parent of a non-athletic or “indoor” child.
E.  Who Cares?  Retired old curmudgeon.
F.  Yes it is!  I only lost cuz they cheated!  Sociopathic Politician.

Categories // Daily Inflammation

Cat Food Burgers (Salmon Patties)

05.13.2021 by Fred Berman //

  • 1 (14.75 oz.) can of salmon
  • 1 egg
  • 1/4 cup finely chopped onion
  • 1/2 cup rolled oatmeal

Drain and reserve juice from salmon.  Mix egg, onion, oatmeal, and salmon together with a fork until a smooth consistency.  If too dry mix in a little of the salmon juice.

Form into 5 patties about the size of a hamburger bun. Sprinkle with a little garlic salt and fresh ground pepper. Coat frying pan with olive oil spray (or olive oil if you want it to actually taste good). When oil it hot, gently place patties in pan.  Brown for 3 minutes on each side, turning very gently.  Drain on paper towels.  Serve on buns with crisp lettuce, tomato and dill pickles.

Adjustment for Fred: Leave the patties in the pan for an extra 3 minutes until they are dry and brittle.  Place on bun toasted dark to the point just a second before it turns to ash.

Serve with a cup of chamomile tea, (the Tea is for me, to settle my stomach).

(Better Alternative: Throw it away, fry bologna instead and serve it on white bread with lots of mayonnaise.  I don’t judge)

Categories // Linda Presents: Fred’s Favorite Inedible Recipes

This is How D. Mockracy Dies.

05.13.2021 by Fred Berman //

SPOILER ALERT!

On this week’s episode of reality series “Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital’s E.R”. Delilah Q. Mockracy, (insert cheesy pun here), known to her friends as Dee Mockracy,  abruptly sails into eternity from a subdural hematoma (SDH), a type of bleeding in which a collection of blood—usually associated with a traumatic brain injury that gathers between the inner layer of the dura mater and the arachnoid mater of the meninges surrounding the brain.

It appears that Dee was sitting in front of the television watching “Tucker Carlson Tonight’ on Fox when her brain spontaneously exploded.

Categories // Daily Inflammation

Click Here to Unsubscribe

05.12.2021 by Fred Berman //

Did you ever go to the bottom on an unwanted email, click “Unsubscribe here” and then actually be taken off the list?

Me neither.

Categories // Daily Inflammation

Today’s Class” “Kindness 101”

05.11.2021 by Fred Berman //

I like to think of this as a Teachable Moment, so listen up Grasshopper!

  • No Act of Kindness, No matter how small, is ever wasted. (See “The Lion and the Mouse” Aesop 624 BC – 564 BC in your syllabus).
  • There is no greater act of grace than a kindness done with no expectation of personal gain or glory. (Said somebody really smart).
Pop Quiz:  With that in mind, what costs nothing but brings an abundance of joy money can’t buy?  (Really Mr. Turing, you can’t crack that code?)
What a dummy! Uh, I mean, that’s fine. I know you did your best.  You just keep up the good work!

Categories // Daily Inflammation

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor

05.10.2021 by Fred Berman //

From the land of sky blue waters,
From the land of pines, lofty Balsams,
Comes the beer refreshing, Hamm’s the beer refreshing,
Hammmmm’s mmmmmmmmm, Hamm’s!

“Don’t touch that dial…”

I’m from Milwaukee and I oughta know,
It’s draft brewed Blatz Beer where ever you go.
Smoother, fresher, less filling that’s clear.
Blatz is Milwaukee’s finest beer!

If you wish to enjoy your dose of Daily Inflammation commercial free, click to subscribe to BFTDFlix,  Only $4.99999999 per month (less than $5). 
Interesting. A guy who doesn’t drink…rarely…occasionally…I know a lot of beer commercials.
If you listened to baseball in the 1950’s you’d know them too.
My dad was a huge baseball fan.  We always had a game on the radio.
One does not gather this kind of important knowledge in school alone!

 

Categories // Daily Inflammation

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