Admittedly when I met Linda in 1973 the number of women I had known platonically, spiritually and biblically was very unimpressive by today’s “Anything Goes” standards.  But I was not totally uneducated, so I can’t blame inexperience. After dating for a very short time I learned Linda did not care to get gifts on holidays like St. Valentine’s Day, where retailers guilt the public into spending money to prove you care. She did, however, love gifts given for no other reason than that you saw something, thought of her and wanted her to have it. 

That was the spirit in which I gave her a frosted glass bottle of Jean Naté Friction Pour le Bain, After Bath Lotion. She was genuinely moved and asked what prompted such a thoughtful gift.  A relationship is based on truth, right?  So instead of one of a hundred answers I thought of later, “just wanted you to have something special for your bath,” I told the truth, explaining a previous girlfriend (yes, I said the name) had used it and I loved the scent.”  After the room immediately turned frostier than the bottle of lotion I soon realized my faux pas.  At that point there was no immediate fix so I slowly crept out of the room.  The bottle mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen or mentioned again. 

I had the good sense not to speak of this again; until now.  I am hoping after 45 years of marriage the Statute of Limitations on stupidity has passed and that we can all laugh about it!  Somebody look…is she laughing?  Too soon?

Not that “Reach Around.”  Get your minds out of the gutter!

I am speaking of the technique by which we old men choose a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk.  Stand back and observe the bread or dairy aisle.  When a “Senior” male chooses milk, sour cream, cottage cheese or a loaf of bread he will always, always, always look at the sell by date.  And even if that sell by date is two weeks ahead of the time it will take them to consume the product, he must verify that he is purchasing the product with the furthest sell by date on the shelf.  He will then employ the reach around, a technique requiring the skill of a cardiothoracic surgeon to remove the carton in the rear of the refrigerator case or the loaf buried deep on the shelf without upsetting the display or causing undue strain on one’s back.

I am actually quite adept at the technique and offer my consulting services as Supermarket Ninja if you need help in mastering this skill.  

On June 18, 1973, Sally Ride became the first American Woman in space.  But she was not the first woman in space.  That was Soviet cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova in 1963.  The Russians were 10 years ahead of us in achieving this goal.  

Applying this logic I can make a prediction that an American agent will be elected president of Russia in the year 2027.  That would be 10 years after the Russians engineered the election of a soviet agent to the office of U.S. President.

 

…if not for the deliciously sweet chewiness of Roast Wildebeest.
It’s addictive and I am only human.

So you thought the Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere measured by the length of daylight hours is today.  Well if you are in Dakar Senegal or Kolkata India you would be correct.  The actual time it occurs this year is precisely at 03:32 UTC (Universal Coordinated Time) on Monday, June 21. Your time zone in relation to UTC determines the date the solstice happens for you. If you are on the west coast of the US the time was 8:32 PM on Sunday, June 20th and on the east coast same day at 11:32 PM.
So…If it is the longest day of the year in the north can you figure out what is happening in the Southern Hemisphere?  That’s correct!  It is the shortest day.  I am sure MENSA will be knocking on your door with a gold embossed membership card any day now.

I love Monday mornings.  After a year of isolation things are opening up and Monday brings the promise of a week of annoying interactions with needy numbskulls who actually enjoy human contact.  Oh Well, got to get back now.  My glass is half-empty.

To all of us who are blessed to have children, enjoy the attention!  But do you know why we chose to assign a special day to celebrate fatherhood?  It is really quite a fun and heartwarming tale I share with you here.  This is a forum usually meant to inflame, but today it’s meant to spread the love.
Father’s Day has its origins all the way back to the beginning of time; you know, about 3,000 years ago when dinosaurs roamed the Garden of Eden.
Fast forward to Eve and the apple, the fig leaf becoming a fashion statement (still shunned by the Kardashians as not revealing enough) and the whole pain in childbirth thing.
Cut to the chase:  The man and woman fall in love and get married, and ONLY when they are married, do the husband-wife thing and a child results.***. During the birth the man suffers greatly.  He must silently withstand dark curses from his wife as she loudly and with much profanity forbids him from ever again laying a hand on her.   The powers that be (retail merchants looking to boost sales), came up with Fathers Day to reward the men for putting up with this unwarranted verbal abuse.  We men are only human; So there!
You may have heard some gibberish about the year 1908 when Sonora Dodd devised a day honoring her Civil War veteran dad William Jackson Smart or something about a 1972 Declaration signed by President Nixon but…who you gonna believe?

***Know that at some point within the next 10 years that same child will open your bedroom door without knocking, walk in on you doing the husband-wife thing and ask you what you are doing.   As you will not be in the best position to improvise, be sure to have memorized your story about practicing for the office intramural wrestling tournament. 

Juneteenth commemorates the total abolition of slavery in the U.S. that took place in Galveston Bay, Texas, on June 19, 1865 when the last group of enslaved African Americans were notified of their freedom by Union soldiers, two years after President Lincoln signed The Emancipation Proclamation.
Apparently not all politicians are aware of that event.  Does Texas, South Carolina, Kentucky, Wisconsin, Florida and too many others have television, newspapers or the internet?
Maybe someone can let them in on the news, slavery has been abolished…sort of. 

A Priest, Rabbi and Minister, Wednesday night regulars, walk into “The Punchline Bar & Grille”  They ask for a table and are told to go to Helen Hunt for one; she is the hostess and wife of Mike Hunt, the entertainer and Stan Dupp the bouncer.  The only open table is twenty steps from the restrooms and has a picture on the wall of the bar’s best customer, I.P. Freely.  As they sit Will E. Make-it and Betty Won’t pass by quickly on the way to use the facilities.  
Their server comes over and introduces herself as Svetlana.  She seems a bit testy but they forgive her as she is only wearing one sock and may have cramps.  They say to her, “Ben Dover…is he working tonight?”  Svetlana tells them Ben Dover is off sick but Eileen, the one-legged chef from the IHOP next door is filling in. 
It was a busy night so while waiting for their drinks the trio surveyed the activity around them.  They recognized the man, Seymour Butts, crawling around under the tables.  Next table over a mommy was telling their child to shut up while he walked in circles.  Another boy questioned if his mother was dying because he heard her praying in bed last night yelling “Holy Moses, I’m Coming!”  But the most poignant sight, one that brought a tear to all their eyes, was watching a young man lovingly lift a pretty young lady with no legs, from a type of harness and set her back into her wheelchair.  They had seen her before and were so happy that tonight her date did not leave her hanging.
It was so busy that Helen Hunt didn’t notice the bar was overcrowded.  When the Fire Marshall insisted three people leave immediately, she asked for volunteers.  An Englishman and Frenchman both stood up and exited the bar, proudly saying their sacrifice was for the honor of  Queen and Country.  Next a Texan in a 10-gallon hat headed to the door.  It appeared he was to be the third heroic volunteer, but on the way to the door he shouted “Remember the Alamo” and tossed out Francisco, the bartender, 
That was the final straw for Sir Lancelot who saddled up his Great Dane and exited into the rainy night.

 

Millions were riveted to their television watching several police cars chase a white Ford Bronco.  The seemingly slow-motion action culminated in the arrest of actor/athlete O.J. Simpsons for double murder.  Mr. Simpson was acquitted of all charges but new information obtained from an anonymous source in  Palm Beach, Florida, has put forth the theory that although innocent, OJ would not pull over because he had had several ballot boxes stuffed with phony democratic votes for Joe Biden that would someday steal an election.   

This investigative report definitely gets them nominated for a Pulitzer Prize in Journalism.

“Tori Spelling says she and Dean McDermott don’t sleep in the same bed!”

I have not read the article but my guess is it was a mutual decision.
I assume he got tired of fantasizing he was doing Jenny Garth  and she could no longer stomach his dribbling Cream of Wheat on the pillow case.
Didn’t Tori’s dad have about a bazillion dollars?  Move along Dean.  If Tori’s Mom hasn’t shared the money by now you are most likely S.O.L.