For many of us “seniors” all the new services and terminology can be very confusing.  The AARP does a good job publishing articles to help explain these to those who have gathered years but it is a daunting task so I am here to help.  
Following are a few instances, good and bad, where the true meaning might not be understood:

• Ancestry.com – Under the guise of providing some questionable information regarding your lineage they actually register your DNA to a dark web database. You may soon become an unwilling organ donor for an unscrupulous billionaire. 
• United Healthcare House Calls Program – They provide free health screening in your home for those with supplemental Medicare insurance plans. This includes taking a urine sample.  If you take advantage of the program don’t be surprised if your DNA is found at a crime scene and you have no alibi as to how it got there. “We find the defendant GUILTY, Your honor!”
• Robo-Call: Your SSA Account Has been Breached – Should you believe that this actually happened and supply Svetlana the information she requests you can expect your bank account to be drained and your credit cards maxed out within 24 hours.
• Nigerian Prince Needs Your Bank Account Number to Transfer You $5,000,000.00 – Good News!  This one is real. I just gave my bank account number and $5,000.00 to a Nigerian Prince in exile so he can transfer $10 Million to me. I get to keep half.  Just waiting for the transfer…any minute now. I guess he got delayed.

Today, July 12th, we are celebrating the birthday of my best friend, true love and soulmate. 
At our age we have nothing to hide so for those that want to know, Linda is ## years old.  What happened?  She is ## years old. Wait, I can’t backspace.  She is ## Years old. What’s happening to my computer?  I can’t get the numbers on my keyboard to work. Linda was doing something to my laptop yesterday… SHE IS ## YEARS OLD. 
I’ll try spelling out the numbers.  Linda is ########################## today.  
Wow!  She is good.  I guess if you want to know her age you will have to call me so I can tell you.  But wait, I am feeling a tickle in my throat and getting a bit hoarse…call soon!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!

Every morning I am greeted with over 100 new and wondrous messages in my email inbox. They include the following subject lines:
Bed, Bath and Beyond – Best Buy – Command Cooking – NPR Books – Victoria’s Secret (How did they get my email?) – Eat This Not That – CafePress – People News – Fareed’s Daily Briefing – Fox News Fair and Balanced Reporting (Just kidding, wanted to see if you were still reading) – National Geographic – Road Scholar – Pottery Barn (I am secure in my masculinity and not afraid to explore my feminine side, you handsome devil!) – Inspiring Quotes – International Living – Male Enhancement Products (They don’t really work…do they?) – Silver Singles and eHarmony (Tried 100 times to unsubscribe, really!) – WalkinTub for Seniors (Yeah, like I bathe) – Word Genius – Omaze – Robinhood Snacks – Tucker Carlson Eats Dog-Doo (Again kidding, but it does sound reasonable) – We Talk About Books – Amor Towles – Good Reads – Edgar Cayce A.R.E. – My Jewish Learning – Red Letter Christians – Quartz Daily Brief -AND MANY,MANY MORE!  It’s a wonder that I find the time to squeeze in my 6 meals a day.

I’m  still waiting for an email with the following subject line:
“Congratulations! Good News from Your Friends at the Lottery!”

The oldest continually occupied city in the United States is St. Augustine, Florida, founded by Spain in 1565.  Spain held the Florida territory for 200 years when it reached an agreement with the just over 40 year old United States.  The selling price for the Florida Territory was the US taking responsibility for the $5 Million in claims against the Spanish by American citizens.  On July 10, 1881, Spain walked away from the land debt free.

To date, after innumerable negotiations and pleas from America, Spain has refused to take Florida back.  

Compulsion and Crazy meet daily at Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, but as far as anyone knows Common Sense has never been invited to the party.

My wife asked me that last night and I had to be honest.

“No Dear. Some people may think they have symptoms but it’s like fibromyalgia, a malady made up by drug companies for profit and Shonda Rhimes to keep “Grey’s Anatomy” on for 17 years.  Now turn the light switch off…and on, and off and on, and off,  circle the bed backwards 3 times and go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep!”

John Keats reminds us that there is only one ultimate beauty in this world, Truth.  With the proliferation of lies that permeate our society I thought you might enjoy a minute of truth. Enjoy!

• 31% of all National Parks are located in Alaska and California.
• Grapefruit and Grapes have similar names because both grow in clusters.
• A combination of two words such as brunch, spork and smog is called a portmanteau.
• Julius is the official name of the Pringles mascot.
• There are 2.4 Million people named Smith, the most common name in the USA.  Jones comes in 5th at about 1.6 million.
• The U.S. Presidential Election went without any widespread voter fraud and the results are correct.
• The melody from “My County ‘Tis of Thee” is shared by 7 National Anthems.
• Even though he never played for them, the Miami Heat retired Michael Jordan’s #23 Jersey.

When it combines being an ass with rampant hypocrisy for selfish motives, J.D. Vance, author of the bestselling memoir “Hillbilly Elegy” has a lot of competition but emerges as the clear winner.  He is trading in his beliefs to make a run for the Ohio Senate.  The prospects are good as he is basing his entire campaign on lies, a technique which seems to be the most sought after skill in politics these days.  The fact that he is stupid enough to think that this capitulation to evil will get him a senate seat proves you can be literate and still clueless.  Is that the definition of “Hillbilly?”
James David:  Whether you win or lose (my $2.00 is on you losing) you will never regain the self-respect you traded for what you perceive as a political edge.  Fast forward to post election morning.  Scene: J.D. Vance pacing in his bathroom wearing only maga Underoos pulling at his hair and beating his chest: “Stupid, stupid, stupid, what was I thinking? Stupid stupid stupid…”

Don’t know to what the H.E. Double toothpicks I am referring?  GOOGLE it Einstein!

 

I get a daily email from “Eat This Not That” the above title being the most recent subject line.  Spoiler Alert: Of the many sugary, creamy and carbonated items McDonalds offers the worst choice for a healthy item is the Strawberry Shake.
After extensive research I have developed a simple method of determining the nutritional value of an item.  If it says any of these key words at the top of your menu, whatever you choose is not likely to contribute to a healthy lifestyle:

• McDonald’s
• Jollibee
• Jack-in-the-Box
• Popeye’s
• Wendy’s
• Chick-fil-A
• KFC
• In-N-Out
• Etc. Etc. You get it, right?

You will notice the glaring absence of Burger King from the list.  Its omission is not by mistake.  Health concerns fade when presented with the juicy goodness of Flame Broiling!

And for those of you deluded souls who think you are eating healthy at Chick-fil-A,
your ignorance is best explained by a quote from  The Book Of Bernie 24:7: “What thou art full of is not Chicken!”