I think this is the perfect time to announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States.
I am the running as an independent but this might change. I’d consider running as a Democrat but I am only 73 and still have all my faculties…well most of them.
I’d considered running as a republican but I lack what seems to be their lengthy list of “Must Haves.” Here are just a few:
- I am not a rapist.
- I never went bankrupt keeping my millions while devastating other companies and thousands of honest workers.
- I’m bald so cannot rock an embarrassing comb-over.
- I don’t lie EVERY time I speak.
- Fox News doesn’t fact check me and point out my lies even though they are the leading news liar, unless they have now been eclipsed by “Truth Social Media.”
- I didn’t dodge the draft and then disparage our soldiers; most notably a U.S. Senator war hero.
- I was never fined millions for running a phony university.
- I never illegally stole funds from a charity I started.
- I don’t spew hate about more than half the citizens of the country I hope to lead.
- I did not threaten to sue my alma mater if they released my transcripts.
- I never stole secret government documents nor shared them with Russian operatives.
- The Russians do not have a blackmail tape of me engaged in perverted acts. (Full disclosure: I never was in Russia so who knows what I might have done?)
- I never proclaimed a mutual love with a North Korean dictator and saluted his general.
- I have never previously served as the worst president in our country’s history.
Perhaps I’ll form a new political party with a simple platform. “Ask not what your country and do for you. Either help or sit down and STFU!”