The White House was visited this Inauguration Eve by the ghost of Jacob Marley.
DT: Jacob, what are you doing here? You died 4 years ago this very night. And what’s up with those heavy chains?
JM: I carry these chains I forged in life and am doomed to bear the weight and walk the earth.
DT: But you were a good man of business. You avoided taxes, used your alleged charities for personal gain and ignored those in need.
JM: “Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence were, all, my business.
DT: Say what now?
JM: And oh it is a pondersous chain you carry with you, full twice as long as the one I bear. And don’t get me started on the 3 eldest spawns and that son-in-law…Oy vey! We’re talking a chain from here to Poughkeepsie!
DT: Ok, I get it. I’m bigly smart. But have you donated to my (airquotes) legal defense fund that I am misusing to pay my campaign debts?
JM: “Man of the worldly mind! Do you believe in me or not?”
DT: I have a tee time soon so yeah sure. Let’s wrap this up. How much do you want? See Rudy or whoever.
JM: I don’t want money, can’t you see I have no pockets? I am only a warning.
DT: So if this is real and you are not just a figment of an undigested Happy Meal, what do you say I need to do?
JM: Peacefully leave. Go home to Florida, New York, Moscow, wherever you have the happiest memories. Then, once and forever STFU!