Archives for 2024

Say what you want about old-time commercial heavy television but something important was lost when streaming took over.  Commercials provided valuable information that made us “street smart” and allowed us to function and progress in a rapidly changing world.  Here are just a few of life’s valuable lessons we learned from TV advertising:

• Trix are for kids.
• Irish Spring is manly but she likes it too!
• It’s the water, the water, the water, that makes Olympia Beer.
• You can’t get enough of that Sugar Crisp.
• The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.
• Nothin’ says lovin’ like something from the oven and Pillsbury says it best.
• My bologna’s first name is Oscar.
• Maxwell house is good to the last drop.
• Granny Goose potato chips are for grown-ups.
• You can’t eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
• Stanley Chevrolet is 2 blocks off the Santa Ana Freeway.
• Earl Scheib will paint any car any color for $29.95. (Yes, I’m that old!)
• Say the magic words, Mission Pack, and it’s on its very way. (Long before Amazon)
• Mikey likes it.
• Each box of Raisin Bran has (2) two (2) scoops of raisins.
• Hamburger helper helps your hamburger make a great meal.
• LSMFT! Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. (no gender related meanings)
• Use FedEx when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
• Just say No!
• If you don’t look good neither does Vidal Sassoon.
• A little dab of Brylcream will do ya.

Is this the reason for the great political divide in our country today?  That or possibly Roundup, S’mores, or fluoridated water. WTFK?

They were all actors with unusual names and yet there is no written documentation that they ever met.
Truth is stranger than fiction!

(Sorry, I had to come up with something quick. I inadvertently made back to back appointments to get my elbows loofah’ed and my eyebrows sculpted.  There was hardly time to eat let alone be clever!

I was just an adolescent (yet ruggedly handsome) only two months from my 12th birthday.  On this day one of the most auspicious events in music took place.  “Monster Mash,” a tune destined to the anthem of a lost generation, hit #1 on The Billboard Hot 100 charts!

Bobby “Boris” Pickett delivered a tune that shook the country to its core. I can recall this monumental event as if it were only 10 or 20 years ago. Let me paint you a word picture of just how this music influenced a politically divided country, much like today’s political landscape: 

• From his lab Dr. Boris gave life to a Frankenstein type monster who immediately did the mash, the Monster Mash!
• It caught on in a flash and was a graveyard smash! 
• Zombies were having fun as the party had just begun.
• The guests included Wolf-Man, Dracula, and his son.
• The scene was rocking, all were digging the sounds of Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
• The coffin-bangers were about to arrive with their vocal group, The Crypt-Kicker Five.

A stunned world was left to ponder the still-unanswered question: What ever happened to the Transylvania Twist?

(**Ed. Note:  If you are one of the few that lived a sheltered life or were raised on a lonely tropical island and never heard the life-altering tune “Monster Mash” I suggest you get on YouTube and listen to it now.   Should our country choose to be led by a lunatic because the price of eggs was 50 cents cheaper 4 years ago, the iconic song may be destroyed along with our Constitution.) 

If you answer an unfamiliar call and they ask the above question the only answer is to hang up.  Scammers are trying to get you to say “Yes.”  By letting a scumbag record your voice saying yes, you open yourself to some major hacking and identity theft. 

This one is obvious and if you are aware every time you answer the phone you can stay safe.  But there are many much more subtle ways for identity thieves to hack you and steal cash from your bank account, order merchandise on your credit card, and cause you an endless spate of frustration.  Be aware if a caller asks any of the following questions:

• Hi, this is Stan from New Jersey, to whom do I most happily have the pleasure of which to speak to you most definitely.
• I have $100,000 you won is a sweepstakes.  May I have your bank account number and password to deposit it for you?
• Your mother says for you to give me your social security number. What?  Oh yes I know, she contacted me from beyond the grave.
• This is your grandson, I need $500.00 for bail!  Which grandson?  Which one do you think?  Correct-a-mundo!

One particularly sinister scam is so brilliant that I myself, a sophisticated man of extraordinary intelligence, may have recently became a victim.  Be aware if you get this call:

       “Allo my friend.  I am a Nigerian Prince in exile.  I have $5 Million i can’t get out of the country. Give me your bank account, password and Social Security number and I will test the connection by transferring your money to me and then immediately send you the $5 Million. I only ask that you return half to me.  That’s $2 1/2 Million dollars for your trouble.”

But really, the Prince was so sincere I still feel the money is on the way.  How can anyone say no to that fabulous of a life-changing offer?

Have you been feeling reflective this month, or perhaps more motivated than usual to reach your long-held goals? If yes, you might be unknowingly enacting your version of “October Theory,” a viral term recently coined on TikTok. The theory posits that fall, not the new year, is actually the best, most effective time for making changes in your life.

October brings changing weather, beautiful colors, a new school year and a good time to look for a new job.  By getting a big jump on all those positive changes usually saved for New Year’s resolutions, you can avoid all the self-loathing and disappointment experienced in February caused by the ditching of those unattainable resolutions.  In October they are just fleeting hopes and dreams not taken seriously by your sub-conscious like they are when put in the form of an annual attempt to improve yourself.  By Thanksgiving all hope is lost and you can enjoy the gluttony and maxing out of your credit cards that make for a joyous Christmas season!

I think I’ll follow a heart-healthy diet and drop 20 lbs. Hahahahahahahahaha, Fuhgeddaboudit!
See?  It works!

Wow!  The AARP must think our generation (aka The Greatest & Baby Boomers), totally incapable of rational thought.
Here is the “No, Duh” list of used items to avoid and, based on their assessment of our common sense, a few additions:

Intimates like swimwear, mattresses & bedding, shoes & slippers, medicine, anything for a newborn, large appliances, plastic containers, pots and pans, perfumes, helmets, stuffed animals, helmets and vacuums.

Glaring omissions include: blood glucose test strips, Depends, bongs, syringes, anal probes, Neutrona Wands, and Proton packs, Sharpie fine points, Hubble telescopes, previously popped bubble wrap, Large Hadron Colliders (LHC), plant-based protein, season passes to the Ice Capades, non-GMO boner-pills, 24/7 obituary streaming service membership, catheterization equipment and Star Wars figures not in their original, unopened packaging.

I wish I’d had this list before I started my Christmas shopping!

Nothing will bring you down faster than dwelling on the past. Letting go allows you to be free to move on. So next steps?  Realize no matter how much you beg, plead, threaten, use common sense or cry poverty you will never get paid back.  The money is gone, Let it go. 

Take a lesson from drug lord Richie Madano  before ultimately being killed by detective Gino Felino in the 1991 epic tale of letting go “Out for Justice”  when he said: “You gonna just say no, like Nancy freakin’ Raybush?”   You have the power of choice.  Somebody wants to borrow money and you can’t afford to lose it; just say “NO.”  

Now sit cross-legged, palms up and fingers touching.  Ohhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm.
Namaste

Both white and brown rice can be part of a healthy diet, but which one is better for you?

Brown rice is known as a whole grain, meaning it contains not only the endosperm (Haha, I said Sperm!) but also the bran and germ. The bran and germ contain fiber, vitamins, and antioxidants. One of the concerns with consuming white rice instead of brown is that you miss out on the nutrients found in the bran and germ.

White rice differs because the bran and germ have been removed, leaving only the endosperm (Did it again, I’m so bad!). This is why white rice can feel softer when cooking and may be easier to eat. It also tends to take less time to cook.

The nutrition VAries marGINAlly so oVerimAGINAtivepeople will think brown is better but really it’s whatever brings you the most Pleasure.  Nutritionists need to spread information through internet articles because the PEN IS mightier than the sword!

I believe adolescent humor is a lost art I seek to revive.  Hey, it’s better than a useless political rant!

Most articles about our past presidents focus on their legislative, diplomatic and humanitarian accomplishments.  It was not until recently that the focus became tax cuts for the wealthy and destruction of anyone voicing opposition to the ruling party.  So let’s take a step back and look at some interesting hobbies of our previous leaders.

• John Quincy Adams enjoyed early morning skinny dips in the Potomac River.
• Abraham Lincoln loved to wrestle.
• Calvin Coolidge rode a mechanical horse three times a day for exercise and stress relief.
• JFK collected model ships and scrimshaw.
• Richard Nixon loved to bowl and installed a single lane in the White House basement.
• Bill Clinton loves crossword puzzles and non-verbal oral communication with interns.
• Donald Trump, when not exercising his ability to touch women’s intimate areas with impunity, plays golf.

As you may have noted, I prefer to report on the less controversial human interest side of the news.

The publishing end of Harvard Medical School has long been in the multi-billion dollar diet game.  Here’s their latest “Carrot” on our stick of hope for weight loss.

HHP’s “Diet Review” compares and contrasts 40 different diet plans so you can choose the one right for you…you know…a new choice from the hundreds of plans that have already failed.  Let me reach back into the archives of conventional wisdom advice I have given many times and save you the $29.00 for both the print and on-line copy.

Eat less, exercise more.  Walk every day.  Take the stairs.  A pie is sliced into 8 servings; not two. Quit stressing about it and get some sleep.  Also, the thrust developed by a rocket-motor is given by F=mv+A(P1−P2) where m is the mass of the gas ejected per unit time, v is velocity of the gas, A is area of cross-section of the nozzle, P1 and P2 are the pressures of the exhaust gas and surrounding atmosphere.

Uh Oh!  It appears to be Rocket Science.  I must rethink everything I know about life.  But first I need ice cream.