Archives for 2024

Thank goodness I am not trying to raise young children today.  I know I am an old curmudgeon but the problems of today’s parents are exponentially greater than the dilemmas I faced as a dad.  We had 3 boys but I think I could have done a good job with a daughter because we had rhymes and sayings that helped us as parents to send the right messages.  We guided them to adulthood with the ideas below.

It was easy to raise a boy.  Only 2 guiding principles: 

• Don’t take any wooden nickels.
• Be good and if you can’t be good…Be Careful!

Now girls, I believe, were a little more complex and fragile therefore needed more guidance such as:

• Boys don’t make passes at girls that wear glasses!
• Girls who try to be walking encyclopedias should remember: reference books are never taken out.
• Silence is golden.
• If you eat it today, you’ll wear it tomorrow.
• Housewife, teacher, receptionist, secretary.  Young ladies have so many opportunities!

Do you think this is the era to which MAGA Morons want to return?

Right out of the box I love the word “Spleen.”  It’s fun to say, has that pleasing to the ear long e sound and lends itself to repetitive reciting; spleenspleenspleenspleeeeeeeeeeen! (Whew, that was nice! Mind if I smoke?)  Spleen has multiple meanings:

• An organ serving chiefly in the formation of mature lymphocytes, in the destruction of worn-out red blood cells, and as a reservoir for blood.
• One can suffer from Spleen, a feeling of anger and irascibility.  “Granny is a bit spleeny today.  Her bunions must be acting up.”
• Vigorous Sexual Activity (slang): When Cuban band leader Ricky Ricardo would return home after a hard night singing at the Copa he would summon his wife to relieve his tension: “Lucy, you got some spleening to do!”

Be sure to join us next time when we get up close and personal with everyone’s favorite invasive procedure, the Colonoscopy!

(I keep swinging for the fences but end up grounding it back to the pitcher!)

The “Eat This Not That” newsletter put my mind at ease.  Here are major signs you need more protein:

• You are losing muscle.
• You are always tired.
• You get sick frequently.
• Mood swings.
• Hair and nails are weak and brittle.
• You are always hungry.
• You struggle to lose weight.

WHEW!  That describes me perfectly.  I thought it was because I am older than dirt and neglected my health for over 70 years.  Now I find out all I have to do is add a few steaks a day to my diet and I’ll be fine; able to go on judging and making fun of you for years to come!

Life is so simple.  Lighten up…by eating the flesh of more beasts!

    On Christmas Eve, exactly seven years after his death, the ghost of Jacob Marley visited his former business partner Ebenezer Scrooge.  Marley’s tortured ghost walked the earth for eternity wrapped in ponderously heavy metal chains he had forged in life by his greed and lack of empathy for his fellow man.  His mission was to warn Ebenezer; tell him his chain would be twice as heavy, for his greed and cruel indifference to the suffering of others was even greater.  Marley and three spirits tell Ebenezer it is not too late to mend his callous, hateful ways. 
     In the end, Charles Dickens timeless tale of  spirit and redemption “A Christmas Carrol,” gives us all hope as Scrooge is redeemed, gives generously to the less fortunate and promises to keep Christmas in his heart all the year. 

There is still time for you to make things right.  So as a public service I offer this very incomplete list of people who have already forged a chain so ponderous it makes Jacob Marley’s look like a medical alert bracelet:

• Those who intentionally harm others.
• People who are cruel to animals.
• People who deny a helping hand to someone in need.
• Whomever ate Ross Geller’s turkey sandwich dipped in the “Moist-Maker.”
• Racists, white supremacists, Fox News hosts past & present.
• Child abusers, bullies, book-burners and gun nuts.
• Greedy, sociopathic, self-aggrandizing pond scum (aka Politicians).
• Those who deny rights or harm others based on their religious beliefs.
• Men over the age of 15 that wear their baseball caps backwards.

I’ll admit there are a few on the list that would benefit from a slap on the wrist rather than eternal suffering.  But we live in a fast-paced, one size fits all world.  Send them all in for a fitting.  Plenty of chains to go around.

Everyone who listens to Donald Trump knows that the election is rigged.  I think the best way for republicans to honor the twice impeached and criminally indicted ex-president is to boycott the election.  If every republican would fail to vote it would demonstrate our respect and gratitude for a unique leader, one we hopefully we will never see the likes of again. 

(Yes, they just might be that dumb. They bought the election lie once!)

Stop wasting time.  Live each day as if it were your last.  Grab life by the huevos and Live, Live, LIVE!
Life’s candy and the sun’s a ball of butter.  The parade goes on rain or shine!
Now get out there and bravely face the day ya crazy kid ya!
Be brave no matter what life throws at you!

And shut off the lights on your way out.  I’m going back to sleep.  That’s important too.

There must be a supreme being.  Only the master of all things could conjure up this vile amalgamation of everything evil in the world and release him as a viable candidate to be returned to office after being soundly beaten just a few short years ago.  But still I ask, “Why him?”

After exhaustive research I believe I found a plausible answer.  And where did I find the answer?   I turned to the world’s greatest repository of wisdom; a place where each week scholars from all backgrounds (as long as they were Sicilian) shared their unique insights with the viewing public, a select group whose credentials to receive these visionary nuggets of gold came in the form of a monthly subscription to HBO.  I speak, of course, about televisions first family of offers that can’t be refused, The Sopranos!

As Richie Aprile said to Tony Soprano when Soprano quizzed him on another unanswerable conundrum: “Richie, what are you doing with my sister?”
(Context: Richie had moved in with Tony’s sister Janice, a less than gorgeous shrew with an annoying voice).  Richie’s brilliant response:
“To each his own Tone, to each his own.”

And therein lies the answer to my query: “To each his own.”  That must be it…I guess?

     First, get your mind out of the gutter.  I am not talking about the horizontal tango, the beast with two backs or any event that may occur between two people at bedtime, or morning, noon, in the bedroom, or in living room, or in the kitchen on the counter…a story for another time.
     The article is a major disappointment as it comparison of the top brands of sheets and which are best in specific areas such as:

• Most Comfortable
• Best Value
• Best Cooling
• Best Hotel Style

     I’ll cut right to the end: The best overall sheet according to the people with so much surplus time on their hands they actually care about this sheet is (drum roll), Boll and Branch Signature Hemmed Sheets at just under $300.00 for a queen set.

Random sheet thoughts:
Personally I don’t give a sheet…a second thought.
We all took a sheet…to my friend’s birthday party.  It was the sheetiest party ever!
If you put a sheet on toast instead of creamed chipped would it be called sheet on a shingle?
Be careful not to step on a dog’s sheet.   Get out and take your sheet with you.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s fictional detective was a master of the obvious and slept on a bare mattress; No Sheet Sherlock.
I think Free Jazz is sheet music.
This very thin, only marginally humorous premise has worn out quickly.  It probably should never have seen the light of day. 

No Sheet!

According to a recent analysis of 30 car brands by online lending marketplace LendingTree, Tesla drivers have the highest accident rate of any car.  Between November 2022 and November 2023, based on tens of millions of insurance quotes, Tesla drivers were involved in 23.54 accidents per 1,000 drivers. Ram truck drivers were a close second, at 22.76.

The award is the second this year for Tesla C.E.O. Elon Musk who also took home the gold for “Asshole of the Year.”  He narrowly missed securing an “Awards Trifecta” this season by getting edged out for “Egomaniacal Sociopath of the Year” by…oh you know, do I really have to say it AGAIN?

Use your imagination.  What if we could live a day, a week or a lifetime without unreasonable fear?  I am not talking about fear of falling, of traffic accidents or some rampant virus.  We learn how to take precautions to mitigate the risks of daily life.  I am speaking of manufactured fears, those jammed down our throats to get us to comply with the fear-mongers only driven by greed and monstrous egos that hunger for power.

What if we had an incredibly perverse ex-president that had an epiphany and presented a plan to fix the shame that in this rich nation children go to bed hungry?  What if he spoke of improving our educational system rather than suspending the Constitution and getting even with his enemies?  What if he told us of plans to see all Americans have access to affordable healthcare rather than lie about our election process?  What if his strategy was to face climate change rather than appealing to racist hate-organizations by warning our borders are under attack by immigrants, you know those people who believed the promise of America because a relatively few commit crimes?  What if he presented plans to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure instead of squandering millions on an ineffectual wall he will see as a shrine to himself? 

But there was no epiphany.  He is what he is.  If we weren’t racists, fraidy-cats and misinformed xenophobic sheep would there be anyone left stupid enough to vote for a man like that?  I want to believe the answer is no.   A guy can dream, can’t he?

On a happier note I can’t wait for this Friday when we can watch Episode 8 of “Reacher” and hopefully see Shane Langston, aka T-1000, aka Robert Patrick, get a well-deserved ass-kicking (or dare I hope a graphic mutilation?) from Reacher!

I am a man of many parts…some working better than others.