Archives for 2024

LIAR!  I bought her nothing! And that’s why we have been happily married for almost 50 years.

As I have probably mentioned (who can remember) Linda passionately dislikes holidays that have been taken over by retailers who foster a false narrative that convinces people they must spend an exorbitant amount of money to profess their love to their partner.  We buy each other gifts, probably 20 to 30 times a year, but they are given when we see something the other person would like but may not buy for themselves.  It is never given on a holiday where the norms are dictated by the marketing department of a manufacturer or retail chain. (**Notable Exceptions: Birthdays and Weddings where there is cake involved).

But if you enjoy it and need an excuse to buy someone a gift then enjoy!  And remember any day is a good day to buy someone a box of See’s Candy, specifically dark chocolate nut clusters, the finest candy on this or any other planet.  Also cash; cash is always appreciated.  I’m not without a heart!

“…The last of life for which the first was made.”

Robert Browning’s poem Rabbi ben Ezra, published 1864, is him telling us we are part of a greater whole, aging is a natural step and that fear leads to a wasted life.  This poem consists of 192 lines and divided into 32 stanzas, each stanza consists of six lines.  Browning is talking about Abraham Ibn Ezra. He was a philosopher, theologian, scientist, and also a linguist and a Spanish Rabbi.

If you haven’t figured it out yet it is late in the evening and I had yet to write today’s rant.  I had a lousy day with 2 doctor appointments so I just grabbed a book off the shelf, opened the page and decided to write about the first thing I read. This is the result.  Perhaps it will inspire you to read poetry or perhaps to never again read my ramblings.  Whatever!

I’ll end with a favorite quote from another great literary work, Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life: “I blow my nose at you…Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!”

“…I’m paintin’ the TOWN!”  Sgt. McVey (Mike Kellin) lecturing Private Alvin Korwin (Jerry Lewis) on dusting the tops of door jambs.  Time out while I indulge in a nostalgic trip down Memory Lane.

In 1960 my family moved from Chicago to Los Angeles, arriving on my brother’s birthday, February 5th.  At that time the local television station, channel 9, had a show called “Million Dollar Movie.” It literally ran the same film every night of the week and twice on Sunday.  That might be where the “Twice on Sunday” phrase originated?  One of the movies that made multiple appearances throughout the year was my favorite Martin & Lewis comedy “At War With the Army.”  I waited each week to see what the movie would be and if it was my favorite and not some stupid war film or drama, I would not miss a chance to watch it again and again.  So 63  years later I can still quote chapter and verse of this movie. (Although it might help that I own the DVD).

I know you find it difficult to imagine someone as erudite and worldly as Moi mesmerized by a silly Martin & Lewis farce.  But there is a much deeper sub-text in the film that deals deftly with some of life’s most difficult questions.  For example, you need look no further than  Sgt. Vic Puccinelli’s (Dean Martin) touching song that answers the age-old question: “Wouldn’t you rather say I love you than Tonda Wanda hoy Conika la?”

Put me in the yes column (sniff, sniff).   Excuse me for a moment.  I can’t help but get emotional at a time like this.

I get all my sports news from the definitive publication on professional athletics, People On-Line.  For those of you who rely on less authoritative sources for their news let me share the highlights of yesterday’s exciting Super Bowl, only the second in history to go into overtime.  Following are the highlights per People Mag:

• Travis Kelce Kisses Taylor on the Field after 2024 Super Bowl Win (Clarification: The kiss was on the mouth).
• Who was in Taylor Swift’s Box…All Her Friends at the Game?
• Every Photo of Taylor Swift at the 2024 Super Bowl.
• Super Bowl 2024 Recap: Chiefs Win Big, Taylor Swift’s Celebrations and All the Highlights (Highlights of Tay’s celebrations, I hope!).

One final note on Super Bowl 58.  For those of you that really thought I had insider information on the outcome of the coin toss and bet on tails, I’m sorry about that.  But then if you were dumb enough to believe that, you probably believe the last presidential election was stolen because another moron said so.  In that case I hope you lost big!

Does anyone know what Taylor and Travis are doing today?  I’ve lost track while striving to keep YOU informed.

There are bets on everything from the coin toss to the final outcome.  Here are the odds to the most talked about bet in Super Bowl 58.  The odds are short as with most “sure things.”  But there is still time to get your bet down:

2 to 10 on whether or not Travis Kelce will still be with Taylor Swift by the end of the game.  It seems like a lock but they have been together over six months in what I believe is a record-breaking relationship for TayTay.  It’s only a matter of time.

Also, I have a tip on the coin toss; it’s going to be Tails. Even odds and I heard this from a trusted voice…the one in my head that keeps telling me to continue to write this drivel.

No, I am not obsessed.  I simply get a lot of emails from the AARP and they realize we seniors have a lot of time to spare and need to stay active.

The AARP suggestions include:
-Getting enough sleep,
-No crash diets.
-Soak up some sun and vitamin D.
-Exercise all your muscles.
-Avoid late-night sweets.
-Stay hydrated.
-Make your bed daily to avoid stress from clutter.

They did miss on important tip that means more than the other 7 combined.  Make sure your partner is inflated to the proper lever.  Too little air, too soft.  Too much air, too hard.  The manufacturer’s suggested pressure…just right!

Of the approximately 200 emails I receive daily there are a few that contain valuable life lessons that I freely share with you.  Your appreciation and an occasional infusion of cash funding is thanks enough for me.  Etiquette is a finely honed skill I possess making me the premier authority on how to offend.  Over 20 years in the training arena allows me to provide you with many life lessons and I know you look to me to tell you how to run your lives; a responsibility I take quite seriously so join me now for another “Teachable Moment” regarding inadvertent offensive behavior.

• Wearing too much scent:  Cut back on the perfume and after shave, especially when dining out.  You can accomplish the same thing by bathing regularly.
• Don’t call people of your own age bracket “Sir” or “Madam.”  They may think you find them to be older and less aware than you.
• Telling someone to shut their F*&*#ing mouth is always frowned upon unless they display incredible ignorance, like wearing a MAGA hat. 

It is a slippery slope, navigating proper inter-personal etiquette.  I am here to help!

“If Hot Dogs are wrong I don’t wanna to be right!” Doug Heffernan, The King of Queens.

There is no “meat-adjacent” food as delicious as a hot dog.  Kosher, bun-length, all meat, all beef, chicken, Oscar Meyer, Ballpark, Hoffy, Bar S, Sabrett, Hebrew National, Vienna; it doesn’t matter.  Whatever scraps are scraped up off the processing plant (more palatable term then “slaughterhouse”) floor are chopped and formed into a cylindrical flavor bomb.  Especially good are the crunchy ones tightly packed into the intestines of some unknown creature.

One posting is not enough to sing the praises of this delicacy so look for future insights into the wonderful world of sausage dining.  But for now I end with a pop quiz.  I hope you took notes:

Who sells more HOT DOGS each year than the total of all the major league ballparks in the United States?  Give up?

Costco!  Over 150 million hot dogs and over 100 million rotisserie chickens.  It seems to me with these numbers Costco should not bother selling anything else; only hot dogs and rotisserie chickens.  I have sent them letters suggesting as much but to date have not received a reply.  You’d think that someone with my demonstrated business acumen would be pursued by a major executive search firm.  Another of life’s perplexing mysteries.

This from Nice News:  “The concept has blown up on social media thanks to a content creator named Hope Zuckerbrow.  She began posting videos of her early morning workouts in 2022, and they quickly took off.  Cozy cardio rejects the idea that exercise has to be vigorous and intense. It involves walking on the treadmill in sweatpants (or even pajamas), lighting a candle, making a cup of tea, putting on your favorite comfort show or movie, and doing whatever else allows you to slow down and simply enjoy the movement.”

I did further research and found the trend does not end Cozy Cardio.  Here are some other new takes on exercise enticing people off the couch and into the gym!

• Cheezy Chest Press:  No heavy weights required as these are isometric and work off muscle resistance.  There are three levels:
  Beginner:  Over the Shirt
  Intermediate:  Under the shirt over the bra…Sports bra.
  Advanced:  Total skin-to-skin contact!  May lead to the next exercise, 
• Takes 2 to Tango Push-Ups:  Do I have to spell it out for you?
• Cutsie Curls:  Do 3 sets of 10 forearm curls using nerf weights while sipping herbal tea.
• Blissful Burpees:  Consume a carbonated drink like a chocolate phosphate, eat a dill pickle and finish up with a bean burrito from Taco Bell.
• Sublime Squats:  Typical cool-down from Blissful Burpees.

At last.  An exercise program we can all stick with.  Enjoy your workout!

If you are looking for work and partial to any of these you are in luck.  All three positions are immediately available.  Basic requirements per postings on LinkedIn.

• Missionary Position:  The position is available in Calcutta, India.  Duties include the giving up of all personal possessions, ministering to the poor, washing others feet, living at the bare subsistence level and sacrificing all forms of worldly pleasure until death when you will reap your much deserved rewards.  Must be available immediately.  Fugitives and republicans welcome. 
• Cowgirl Position:  Must be familiar with a cow’s udder and be able to massage a teat to rapidly extract milk.  Those skilled at mucking a stall and spreading hay with a pitch fork will receive priority interviews.
• Doggy Style:  Minimum requirement is a Bachelor’s Degree in dressing canines from an accredited fashion school.  Candidates with experience in European pet style trends are highly regarded.  Must be physically able to be on your hands and knees for extended periods of time.

Please email for more details.   Résumés with graphic photos attached are always appreciated.