Archives for 2024

You can count on very few things in our world today.  Sure, if a politician is speaking you know they’re lying; if trump has any secret intel you know the Russians have it, and if Taylor Swift attends a Kansas City Chiefs game you know the television audience will double.  But what about things that we encounter daily?  Case in point: Restaurants.

Perhaps if you are dropping a thousand dollars at a Paul Bocuse in Lyon, France, you can count on a memorable dining experience but even they dropped down to two Michelin stars, (although we lovers of hot dogs think a kosher Vienna should have 3 stars).  But finding a consistently good restaurant locally is a challenge.  We recently went for breakfast at a local family owned diner that just opened in Oregon.  The pancakes were wonderful, the fresh butter delicious, the coffee and service were perfect.  We immediately told our family about it and went back the next week.  We experienced the exact opposite. The toast was burned, the eggs overcooked, the butter a pasty, yellow mess, the pancakes just ok, a 5 minute gap between the first two and second two meals being served and it took 3 trips to the kitchen for our server to get everything we ordered.

At least with fast food chains like Denny’s, McDonald’s and Arby’s you can count on consistently bad meals.  Not good, but consistent with no surprises.  So if you are opening a restaurant or any publicly focused business first strive for consistency so if you need to improve you will have a baseline to make good decisions.

Side Note: Judging McDonald’s and Arby’s food as bad is my opinion.  The “Eat This, Not That” newsletter says McDonald’s Filet of Fish sandwich is the healthiest of the unhealthy lot.  And thanks to the social media site INSTAGRAM, I have learned that slutty girls lacking self-esteem and wearing skimpy underwear enjoy Arby’s Roast Beef sandwiches.

I may have to try them again and see what all the hoopla is about!

Minimalism is on the rise.  In recent years, there has been a push toward minimalism, especially during the pandemic.​  Linda and I had four pick-ups by the veteran’s thrift shop last year.  We are emptying out the garage and closets.  It truly feels like we are lightening our load or at least the load we will leave behind for our children to clean up.

It would behoove you to do the same.  (Behoove, another great word we do not get to use often enough! Say it 3 times and hope the Universe doesn’t misunderstand and think you are saying “Beetlejuice.” Such fun!)  Here is a quick list of suggested items of which to rid yourselves:

• Magazines.  You ain’t never gonna read them.  Recycle.
• Books you’ve read.  Fill a bookshelf it you wish and then donate to a thrift shop or the local library’s bookstore.
• Clothes:  You will never be that smaller size again.  Thrift shop.
• Old Electronics.  Trash.  Despite your belief they have value, they do not.
• Dishes, kitchenware, small appliances.  Even when the kids move out the will not want your old stuff.  Thrift shop.
• Old trusses and garters.  Great gifts for ne’er-do-well friends and relatives you feel compelled to remember at Christmas or birthdays
• Cases of masks and hand sanitizer left over from the pandemic.  It might behoove you to keep these for future use.
• Everything else.  Just throw it all away!

Don’t you feel lighter already?

Driving to the Portland Airport at 5:00AM last Monday I encountered some major hostility from my fellow highwaymen.  But drivers unleashing their wrath on me is not the exception; it happens with great regularity.

I drive the speed limit in the “slow lanes” to the right.  On OR 205 the speed limit is 55 mph. I do 55 to 57.  There is one long construction zone of about 4 miles where the limit is reduced to 45mph and fines within a construction zone may be tripled.  I do 45 tops.  In the lanes to my left cars flew by like I was crawling.  That’s fine; slow traffic to the right.  My squabble (I love that word and get to use it so seldom), my squabble is with the jerk-wads that run up on my tail, flash their lights and often dangerously zip around me at warp speed.  

If I was looking for support I should be on Reddit’s “Am I an Asshole,” but since I am not and don’t really care what anybody else thinks (and have no idea how to get on Reddit) I will just warn you now: If you are behind me on the freeway don’t be surprised when I drive to the right of the passing lane and do not be exceeding the speed limit by more than 2 mph. 

You may keep your horns, bright lights, angry glares and middle finger salutes to yourself and suck on THIS for 12 minutes.

This single line of dialogue struck terror in the soul of a 10 year old boy on February 10, 1961.  Prepare for a peek into my past as a not-so-interesting dive into how I became the psycho that I am.

No television show has ever made such a deep impression on me like The Twilight Zone.  I looked forward to it every week.  On the occasions when I was alone in the house I would turn it on with trembling hands and fear in my heart.  But no episode affected my sleep to the degree of “Room for One More, Honey.”  In the episode a hospital patient, Liz Powell, would have a very realistic dream where she would awaken in the night and inexplicably be drawn to take the elevator down to the basement morgue where the door swung open and a goth-looking nurse sneered “Room for one more, Honey!”  This would send Liz screaming back to her room to wake up and me struggling to avoid wetting myself.

I will leave the details of the story for you to discover as I don’t want to ruin it for you. But fast forward about 18 years ahead.  Linda and I were in a tight financial squeeze that led me to work two full-time jobs for about 8 months.  My night job was driving a cab with a special assignment to run time sensitive shipments between hospitals and laboratories (characterized by my cousin as ‘delivering spleens’), usually internal fluids for drug testing.  This night I was given the task of running a Stryker Saw from another hospital to the morgue at Queen of Angels Hospital in downtown Los Angeles.  I was not thrilled with the assignment, especially since it was after midnight, but I made it down the creepy basement hallway and rang the bell at the morgue.  I braced myself for the nurse that would swing open the door and inform me there was room, (if anyone had tapped my shoulder from behind I would have flooded the hallway).

I apologize, but after this dramatic build-up the end of the story is a bit anticlimactic.  A very normal looking middle-aged doctor, gloved and wearing a rubber apron emerged and said something like “Oh thanks, we are in the middle of an autopsy and the saw broke.”  Why I prolonged the encounter I do not know but I asked about the use of the saw. “We are removing the skull to examine the brain.”  So while I relaxed to a degree, the image of that has stuck with me to this day.

It has made watching certain television shows challenging.  Grey’s Anatomy, Saving Hope, NCIS; all surgeries and autopsies are endured with my eyes tightly shut.  Then, without exchanging words, Linda taps my leg when I can safely open them again.  Yet another reason I can’t live without her, the real point of this boring story.

Robert and Roberta Robertson of  Fox Farm-College, Wyoming, are the first couple on record to believe that buying their Time-Share Vacation Condo was an excellent investment.  This despite the fact that they have used in only twice in 11 years of monthly payments.  They also believe the election was stolen and it’s fine for first cousins to marry.  

Fiction is stranger than facts!

To you young whippersnappers (a post-modern term for those who have gathered less wisdom and years than us Boomers) these behaviors single us out as old codgers.  I believe a more accurate term would be “Refined.”  Here’s what MSN lists:

• Carrying a Wallet: Is a man-purse cooler?
• Reading a Newspaper:  The tactile sensation of holding the paper; the aroma of the ink; uncontrollable sneezing from the aroma of the ink. Hard things to give up.
• Booking Hotels:  There are reasons for booking a reputable hotel you can count on rather than chancing an Airbnb room in Jeffery Dahmer’s house.
• Visiting Public Libraries:  You all can gag yourself with a spoon on that one.  I Love Libraries! There is no more soothing, restorative and motivating space than being surrounded by books containing representations of all the knowledge and beauty in our world.  That is, at least until some psycho asshole does something awful and ruins one of the last stress-free zones.
• Clipping Coupons:  Saving money, when did that go out of style?  Sorry, we all can’t manage two freakin’ billion apps on our phones.
• Printing a Boarding Pass:  I do print one but I use my iPhone at the gate…but I have copy in my pocket just in case; maybe someday…
• Paper Maps:  Unless searching for treasure I agree.  I haven’t flipped through the pages of a Thomas Guide in 15 years.  Really, who does?
• Correct punctuation:  I see it as an imperative to maintain civility. So many social norms have been shattered by millennials; some good and some signaling the demise of common courtesy.  Cursive writing is out, we didn’t receive a thank you note from two of the last three weddings we attended and texts replaced actual warm communication.  And it is still on my bucket list to learn when a semicolon is appropriate.
• Lists with Pen and Paper:  I am halfway there. I write the list but then take a picture of it in case I lose it.  I see the irony.
• Carrying a Hankie:  I never did that.  The wisdom of carrying around a wad of snot in your pocket always escaped me.
• Dictating Texts:  Why not dictate texts?  Is digital dexterity practice on a mini-keypad high on your ToDo list?

Okay, I’m old.  But listen Einstein, you should be able to tell that by looking at me and not have to check if I have a hankie to confirm it.

It’s not a Pit Viper, Cobra, Water Moccasin or a One-Eyed Trouser Snake.

It is the Dracaena Trifasciata, more commonly known as the Snake plant.  It is low-maintenance, easy to propagate, and does best in indirect light. An evergreen perennial, it can bloom about once a year, producing pretty cream-colored flowers that sometimes develop into small orange fruits.  But the real benefit is that the snake plant was found to filter out all three of the chemicals tested for in NASA’s Clean Air Study. Per the Healthline website it also has a history of being used in the practice of feng shui.  Botanist Halina Shamshur reports “The Chinese love the snake plant for its ability to absorb negative energy,” 

If you are put off by the name “Snake Plant” you may refer to it by its other common moniker: Mother-in-Law’s Tongue.  But that doesn’t describe any mother-in-law I know…Cross my fingers…I mean heart!

 

 

 

“The idea for the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation was first sparked during the 1990s in the San Francisco Bay area.  According to the foundations website, in response to the trend of dishearteningly negative news coverage during a “summer of violence,” a reporter proposed “practicing random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty” instead. From this suggestion, a movement was born, and the nonprofit bearing the same name was not far behind. From these humble beginnings, National Random Acts of Kindness Day (February 17) emerged, drawing attention to how easily we can lift others up with the simplest of gestures.”

Try one-a-day, not one a year.  Here are a few suggestions from Nice News and one from a random source:

• Bake a treat for a neighbor or friend.
• Offer to bring in your neighbor’s trash bin.
• Start a friendly chat with a stranger, (My Lawyer suggests I qualify this and suggest doing in a well-lit public place with an age appropriate subject).
• Give away some of your stuff for free.
• Back a presidential candidate that does not spread lies and spews hate to all who do not kiss his ass.

You’ll feel better; guaranteed!

The one stress I will not have this year is the fast approaching date of April 15th, the deadline to file your 2023 income tax form.  I am DONE!

I had to wait for Charles Schwab to get off their incompetent assess and get me my composite 1099.  I always believed every company is required to have the forms prepared by January 31st.  But Charlie says he is the exception.  Because they are so large and apparently wonderful they have no such deadline and will have the form on February 15th.  Then they get it to their clients a few days early and proceed to blow themselves for the “extra” effort, when, in fact, they are late!

But, as you know, I am a kind soul that is slow to anger and quick to forgive.  So I will give them the benefit of no doubt and put this unfortunate incident behind me; at least until the wretched poltroons try to pull it again next year!  But it is nice to have a different aging businessman like Chuck Schwab to be the recipient of my scathing wrath.  I am weary of lamenting the rise of  an empty-headed narcissistic, sociopathic traitor with the worst comb-over in history.  I won’t name him but see if you can crack that code.