Archives for 2024

       I have committed to living my remaining years guided by the principles of The Four Immeasurables: one of which is remembering that any suffering in the world is also your suffering.  I must shamefully admit I am not perfect and occasionally revel in Schadenfreude; the experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, pain, or humiliation of another.  Case in point:
       While driving north on Interstate 5 toward downtown Portland, I was cut off by a reckless driver weaving through traffic at a high rate of speed.  I lamented the fact that there was no Highway Patrolman to view the incident and write the numbskull an expensive ticket!  I was filled with unexpected joy when down the road I saw the reckless offender pulled over receiving a citation by a conscientious police officer.  My schadenfreude skyrocketed at the thought of him going without food and clothing to pay the huge fine.  I positively glowed with satisfaction!
       But alas, I soon woke up and realized I was only dreaming.  It is a good thing I woke up as I almost missed my exit and had to quickly cut across 4 lanes of traffic to squeak by in front of a school bus.  The idiot bus driver was barely able to brake in time to avoid hitting me.  The jerk must have been distracted.  I wonder how some people get their driver license!

Oh well.  Maybe next time I’ll get the justice I deserve!

Look at all we have learned and the highfalutin words and phrases we all use; words we’ve learned simply by watching inane T.V. programs:

• Anal Retentive:  Ever since world renowned psychologist Dr. Frasier Crane entered Sam Malone’s bar before spinning-off on his own we all began using the term.  But who doesn’t react to conflict by vigorously dusting the furniture or waxing the car…again?
• OCD:  A real thing that we non-professionals now use to classify any seemingly repetitive behavior.  Yes, I must knock three times and wash my hands incessantly and finish every sentence even when it is not necessary.  That is just proper etiquette and good hygiene.
• Schrödinger’s Cat: An illustration of a paradox taught to us by the Leonard Hofstetter and Sheldon Cooper, nerdy geniuses from The Big Bang Theory.  If you put a cat in a box with something that can kill it, until you open the box the cat is both alive and dead, an impossibility, thus the paradox.  I got news for Dr. Schrödinger, his cat is dead. No paradox.
• On the Spectrum:  Asperger’s, Autism, Developmentally Challenged.  There are multiple shows but I’ll tag “The Good Doctor” for one example. While understanding and accepting other’s struggles is a positive step in our quest to become actual caring human beings, it has also become a new standard for judging others.  “He must be on the spectrum” when actually he is simply a self-absorbed jerk.

This one is more of a pronunciation concern but still has its origins in Television:

• Homage:  We used to pay Homage to someone (sounded out with a hard H). We are now apparently all of European descent, (not all of us, only those who identify as pompous twits) using the French pronunciation when saying the word; drawing it out, loving the sound of their own dulcet tones, “Ohmagggge!”

We live in a time where pomposity abounds and ignorant imbeciles are celebrated for their…who knows what?  Present company excepted, of course!

According to the Better Report, “A dog’s sense of smell is about 100,000 times more sensitive than a human’s, which means they predominantly learn about the world through their noses. Dogs can learn all they need about another dog by sniffing their rear end, where scents are most concentrated. Every dog’s odor is unique. A quick sniff helps them determine whether they’ve met before, along with the other dog’s gender, reproductive status, temperament, health status, and diet.”\

Studies show the information gathering via the nose/butt connection may be just as strong in humans.  You can help by trying this with a complete stranger and report back to me with the results.  I will gather the information and report the results to the scientific community; that is, after I have a good laugh, violate your confidentiality and subject you to biting ridicule.  Hopefully you will learn a lesson and never sniff in public again.

You’re welcome.

It had been three days since Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift were in the news.  I know their love affair has gone on for months, an eternity in the entertainment industry, but I thought they had a chance. Then…Crickets!

But today I see a headline: “Travis Kelce Wears Taylor Swift Friendship Bracelet at Jason Kelce’s Retirement Announcement.”  That is good news but what’s up with wearing her “friendship bracelet?”  Friendship bracelet?  Does that means they are just friends?  They’re like best buds, so Jason isn’t doing her?

Kids today. I’m so confused!

Linda and I are up by 5:30AM every morning, a habit developed when I worked for Coastal Training.  The office was 3 hours ahead of me in Virginia.  I was a West Coaster operating on Eastern time.  We are not ready for breakfast until much later so we sit by the fire and have coffee for about an hour every morning.  A great many critical decisions are made during that time; what we are going to eat all day and do we have to venture out amongst the unruly masses or stay happily dormant in our nest?  And me, just like all humans, have my “Smart” phone with me.

The phone was, I assumed, sleeping as usual, the screen was dark.  I was railing against my fellow democrats for always trying to claim the high moral ground by not taking corporate money and telling the truth; a seemingly losing strategy.  Meanwhile the opposition takes every dime from anyone and lies about everything; elections, their accomplishments, even the weather if it suits their needs.  And this strategy has allowed them to worship and adore the most morally bankrupt individual on the planet.  Their strategy seems to be working.

I asked Linda the rhetorical question “How many times are they {Democrats} going to shoot themselves in the foot?” to which Siri came alive on her own and answered “here are articles on shooting yourself in the foot.”  On my screen were articles from Wikipedia and Reddit about the exact topic.  So, she listens even when dormant?   Has the Orwellian future arrived?  Is it time for us to be fitted for an aluminum foil cap to block Big Brother from reading our brainwaves!

And while we are discussing the sometimes useful but always annoying Siri, she has a new habit to drive me up the wall.  She says “Unhuh” every time right in the middle of your question. I googled for help but did not get a workable answer.  I know I have the option of turning her off.  But I consider myself “Woke” and want to be respectful to all women at all times; even though we all know that bitches be crazy!  Am I right? (Tap Knuckles!)

I have been accused, by a critic of my postings, of being Jealous of the fame and financial success of The Kardashians.  All I can say to such an outrageous accusation is:
DUH!! Brilliant deduction Sherlock!
Would I humiliate myself on their weekly gossip-porn show for even a small slice of that mountain of cash?  In the words of that great guardian of our country, a person who keeps an eye on Russia from her back yard; a greedy opportunist well passed the expiration date of her 15 minutes of fame, Sarah Palin:
You Betcha’!

Enough foolishness.  Let’s get back to the important information I share and how to tap into some of that cash flow.

The Earth’s orbit around the Sun is not exactly 365 days. It takes about 365.2425 days for the Earth to complete one revolution around the Sun. This means that every year, our calendar is slightly behind the actual position of the Earth by about 6 hours.  According to National Geographic Magazine leap year is thought to have been introduced by the Egyptians to balance the seasons in the third century BC. They were observing a 365-day year that included an extra day every four years to correct the calendar.

The REAL reason is much simpler.  They, the unseen powers that be, are merely screwing with us for their own amusement.  Just when things seem to be going well for the human race They inject some egregious incongruity to mess with our minds.  How else would you explain any of these?

• The Kardashians
• Kardashian’s Lite: The Jenners. Smaller asses, just as annoying.
• California Rolls.
• Fox News.
• Thongs.
• Tanning Beds.
• Drive-Thru Coffee Kiosks.
• Pineapple Pizza.
• The Price of a Ticket to Disneyland.
• Donald Trump.

Inexplicable mysteries of this thing we call Life!

     I think this is the perfect time to announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States. 
     I am the running as an independent but this might change.  I’d consider running as a Democrat but I am only 73 and still have all my faculties…well most of them.
     I’d considered running as a republican but I lack what seems to be their lengthy list of “Must Haves.”  Here are just a few:

• I am not a rapist.
• I never went bankrupt keeping my millions while devastating other companies and thousands of honest workers.
• I’m bald so cannot rock an embarrassing comb-over.
• I don’t lie EVERY time I speak.
• Fox News doesn’t fact check me and point out my lies even though they are the leading news liar, unless they have now been eclipsed by “Truth Social Media.”
• I didn’t dodge the draft and then disparage our soldiers; most notably a U.S. Senator war hero.
• I was never fined millions for running a phony university.
• I never illegally stole funds from a charity I started.
• I don’t spew hate about more than half the citizens of the country I hope to lead.
• I did not threaten to sue my alma mater if they released my transcripts.
• I never stole secret government documents nor shared them with Russian operatives.
• The Russians do not have a blackmail tape of me engaged in perverted acts. (Full disclosure: I never was in Russia so who knows what I might have done?)
• I never proclaimed a mutual love with a North Korean dictator and saluted his general.
• I have never previously served as the worst president in our country’s history.

Perhaps I’ll form a new political party with a simple platform. “Ask not what your country and do for you.  Either help or sit down and STFU!”

The mantra of the truly clueless…

When the government aids a foreign nation in need like The Ukraine, supports Israel or seeks to help immigrants looking for a better life for their families, you will see a bunch of red-capped hatemongers lamenting the waste that could go to veterans or needy citizens..  The problem is we seldom do that with the money.  Whenever the president suggests a social program the parties lock arms and form gridlock.  Former President Traitor raised the national debt by trillions and funded a permanent tax cut for the rich and corporations and a temporary one for individuals.  Not for promised medical care, infrastructure, charitable causes, educational assistance or aid to veterans whom he called “Losers” and “Suckers.”. 

Maybe we could ask them to work together and pass a meaningful bill?  Outrageous!

Two Domino’s Pizza stores are amongst 11 North Somerset businesses which have received outstanding food hygiene scores since the start of the year.

Somerset, a ceremonial county in South West England is renowned for its cheddar cheese.  The Cheddar Gorge caves are still used to mature cheese today.  So for cheesy pizza lovers scouting possible alternative living accommodations should Comrade Comb-over become president and annex us to Russia, this might be a viable choice.

I am not certain that the news of 11 restaurants passing a local health department hygiene inspection making the headlines is a compelling reason for choosing an alternate location.  But it does beat living under a totalitarian regime.

Remember: You can never be too thin, too rich or have too much cheese on a Domino’s Pizza!