Archives for 2024

Let’s harken back to time when there still was a modicum of sanity in the world.  There was 58,000 new cases of polio in 1952, an epidemic year.   After announced in 1953 people willingly were vaccinated and soon the virus was nearly eradicated.  And drug company’s policy of price-gouging to satisfy greedy shareholders had not yet become de rigueur.

Fast forward to today, when a growing number of conspiracy theorists have determined that vaccines are a sinister plot by leftist radicals (aka empathetic human beings) to incapacitate the moral majority (aka minority).  Just one more thing for them to fear and they do love being afraid!

Still waiting for the vaccine to eradicate the stupidity virus.

If you recognized that line you are either really old or a student of really old stand-up comedy.  Henny Youngman (1906-1998) was a musician and comedian famous for his one-liners.

“My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.  She drinks straight from the bottle!”

In April of 2004 I arrived in Manila, Philippines, to open an office for Coastal Training.   What I discovered was a treasure trove of hard-working, intelligent men and women who had many outstanding attributes, including one that truly excited me.  None of them had ever heard of Henny Youngman. 

” I told my doctor, it hurts when I do this.   Doc said ‘Then don’t do that!’”

I had volumes of material to use with the Team.  Meetings were a breeze.  It might shock you to know I like attention.

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need. If I die by 4:00 PM.”

It’s fine to be known as a great leader, manager or motivator, but what we really want is to be funny.  I think hard work and the ability to laugh, combine to keep us sane and focused.  In the thousands of interviews I did staffing the office over the years, I often used a Henny line to see how the applicant would react.  If they understood the humor it was a good sign they could connect with their American clients. 

“When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading”

As we grew from 20 employees to almost 300 the technique worked well in building a compatible team.  Of course this was only one of many criteria for hiring, but laughing at my jokes never hurt anyone’s chances for advancement.

“For her birthday, my wife asked me to take her somewhere she’s never been before, so I took her to the kitchen.”

Are you tired of being singled out and ridiculed because you picked up a few pounds in your face over the holidays?  And here we are, 3 months later and still unable to shed those jowls.  Good news from the prolific advice-givers to senior citizens, the AARP.  Fighting Face Fat comes down to the following eight actions:

        1: Facial Exercises like neck stretching and cheek puffing.
        2 through 8 are the same old things listed in every article on health and weight control; increase exercise, cut carbs, no alcohol, cut sodium, add fiber and protein, get more sleep and eat a balanced diet. 

So in reality this is old recycled information to fill up space in a magazine. What a waste of space.  It seems to me even taking the time to comment on this article serves no useful purpose.  It’s almost like I wrote this recycled mock indignation just to fill up a day’s post…

Well Sherlock, you got me!

 

 

One is for humans and one for animals.
I have heard you can use either when referring to Vlad “The Impaler” Putin; the man who aspires to become King; you know, like the donald. 

Back in the early 1980s the rag gossip sheets like The Enquirer were alleged to have bid thousands of dollars for a photograph purported to be a distant shot of Diana, Princess of Wales, topless.  The shot was so unclear there was no verification it was even her (so I am told. Of course I wouldn’t even entertain looking at such a violation of a person’s privacy…let’s move on).

Fast forward to 2024 and the current member of The Royal Family, Catherine, Princess of Wales (Known as Kate Middleton to us commoners).  She was also involved in a security breach at the hospital where she underwent some unspecified abdominal surgery.  But it was not a racy picture of Kate in her hospital gown but an attempt to access her medical records.  Can you imagine how much the scum-sucking vampires at TMZ or the slime-covered reptilian douche bags at The Globe would pay to break the news of her mystery illness?  So here is my second request for the world to wish her well, hope for the best and MOVE ON!

And who needs telescopic boobie shots of celebrities anymore?  If that’s your thing just watch the movies “Poor Things” and “No Hard Feelings” and you will see all you want of Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence…or so I’ve heard…

For those of you suffering a shortage of storage space based on your purchase of several hundred rolls of toilet paper during the pandemic lockdown comes an innovative new use for the product.

A website advertising itself as your guide to a better future suggest putting a roll in your refrigerator.  Moisture inside the fridge is the key offender in creating bad odors and a roll of paper will absorb it.  Sure a $1.00 box of baking soda does the same thing but what fun is that?  The look of disgust on the face of an unsuspecting guest after you sent them to the ice box (we ancients used to call it that), makes it a fun time for all.

It makes you wonder, are there other uses for the refrigerator as well?  Perhaps a third bathroom?
I consider myself an “Idea Man!”

If we would just listen to Oprah the world would be a better place.

In her recent prime time special on weight loss and the pain of being overweight, Oprah said she hopes “we can start releasing the stigma, the shame and the judgement – to stop shaming people for being overweight or how they choose to lose or not to lose weight.”

A beautiful thought Oprah but perhaps a bit unrealistic given the current avalanche of hate and fear we are experiencing in the world today.  While I would be the first to sign on to your hope, (Oprah for President any day over what we are being offered as choices), I think your billions would be better spent on developing a pill that, when taken daily with a daily regimen of flossing and regular professional care, would result in a toned and fit body without restricting caloric intake or requiring physical exertion other than occasional trip from the couch to the kitchen.

I have a dream too!

I don’t make this stuff up.  Well, this one I didn’t!

A Colorado grocery store worker has been charged with several counts of indecent exposure after police allege he masturbated on food items.  Following his arrest in February, police say further investigation revealed that the offender worked at a Safeway grocery store and allegedly ejaculated onto food items during the two months he worked at the store.

Safeway, in an attempt to mitigate the damaging press reports tried to put a positive spin on the situation with some creative advertising.  Their ad included the following offers:

• An extra shot of all-natural protein in our smoothies!
• Twofer on “Different Strokes” Bamboo Shoots.
• BOGO Ladies Day on cucumbers, bananas and Polish sausage.
• Fingerling potatoes, 2 lbs. for a dollar.
• Introducing “Happy Ending” Cream Pies from our bakery!
• “Get Your Nut Here!” special: 1/2 price peanuts, walnuts and Macadamia nuts.

“Just do it!”
(Okay, some of that might have been made up)

      Ireland’s population is just over 5 million.  The United States population is over 334 million yet 10%, about 32 million, claim Irish heritage.  That is a great deal of descendants.
     It tells me drinking is not the only thing at which the Irish excel!