Archives for 2024

Have you noticed most politicians and political organizations use fear to influence your vote.  They scare you and then say they are the antidote for whatever the Tragedy du Jour they are touting happens to be?  It’s convenient and effective because it diverts you from the realization they have no plan to fix the real challenges in our country.  Here are a few of the subject lines from recent emails:

• Bank Warning:  Stop using your bank account…
• Pentagon Warns of coming attack by Saudi Arabia
• China’s Sneak Attack on the U.S. Dollar
• Why Retirees Need to Fear This Law
• President Trump “Build a wall, deport them all” (Asshole…Editorial comment, not in email)
• WARNING: Lockdowns are coming!
• UNCOVERED: Chinese plot to destroy the U.S. Dollar (Talk about cutting off your nose. We owe them one trillion of those dollars)

Here are the headlines we should be reading:

• Congress presents bipartisan plan to alleviate hunger in America.
• Senators present joint resolution to assure affordable medical care is available to everyone.
• U.S. Breaks ground on cross-country high-speed rail line.
• {Random Digression: Pitch for a new game show in case any forward thinking television producers read my post: Celebrity Jennifer Bra and Panty Pillow Fight Starring Jennifers Aniston, Lawrence & Lopez}.
• Government funds educational program to read and explains the true meaning of the second amendment to intellectually-challenged gun-nuts who interpret it to mean they can do whatever the hell they want with guns.
• Congress re-affirms separation of church and state.

I get up every morning resolving to take Linda’s advice and “let it go!”  But I have thoughts…

I seem to be on a nostalgia tour of late.  I hope it’s not my life flashing before me…

In 1978 I was working as a sales rep for a trucking company, P.I.E. Pacific Inter-Mountain Express and had a client that shipped a product called “Hospital Booze.” They were I.V. bottles from which you could dispense liquor.  He sold them through Spencer’s Gifts in shopping malls around the country.  Spencer’s Gifts was known for a line of adult products as well.  He developed a board game where you draw cards and then have to do what the card said.  I was at his factory on business and he mentioned he was trying to think of a name for his new game. I suggested a title and after I signed documents guaranteeing I could never ask for another dime I was paid $100.00 for my idea.

So the next time you and your significant other are playing a hot round of “Hop, Skip and Hump,” be sure and think of me!

Living most of my life in Chicago and Los Angeles I have seen, talked to and met a lot of celebrities.  I’m sure you all are keenly interested in my life, so even at the risk of inflaming your jealousy I will share with you a few of the fascinating details, validating that your awe of me is well deserved!

• Ansel Adams:  Not again!  Already told you about him & me…he & I?  We?
• John Cleese: I worked for the company he started, Video Arts, and he was a keynote speaker at the Training 1999 conference in Chicago.  Got to hang out and talk with him for a few minutes.  Did you?
• Amor Towles:  Only met him through email but he graciously answered every time I wrote so I assume he thinks of me often.  If you haven’t read his novel “A Gentleman in Moscow” you are a big dumb head! (Excuse the salty language but you should read the book, it’s wonderful!).
• Leroy Neiman:  Signed my poster at a show in Seaport Village, San Diego, in 2001. He thought he knew me from Chicago and who am I to argue with Leroy?
• Stacy Keach:  Played volleyball with him on Santa Monica beach in the late 1960’s.  A chance meeting on the sand but, alas, he never called.
• Ray Bradbury:  Twice in the late 1960’s.  The first time was at a little theater on La Cienega Blvd. where he produced his plays “The Day it Rained Forever” and “A Device Out of Time.”  The second was on his lawn when I visited a neighbor photographer and he had no recollection of our first meeting. Hmm, curious.
• Steve Allen and Jayne Meadows:  They were in the audience at the Ray Bradbury Theater and I got their autographs and said “hi.”  I was so eloquent in high school.
• Johnny Unitas: Quarterback for the Baltimore Colts patted me on the head when speaking at my father’s B’nai Brith Men’s Club meeting in the late 1950’s.
• Paula Prentis and Richard Benjamin: Actors for you youngsters. I was behind them in line at Gelson’s Market in Century City in the 70’s.  Factoid: They have been married 62 years.
• Ann-Margret: Met her at Veteran’s Auditorium in Culver City in 1963 when she was filming “Viva Las Vegas” with Elvis.  The King was rumored to have been there but I didn’t see him. I was hanging around outside gawking when the director invited me in if I would sit down and shut up.  I sat down.
• George Clooney:  Having been mistaken for that dreamboat so many times I feel like we know each other.
• Marisa Tomei: Only in my dreams.

This all seemed so much more impressive in my head.  

For those of us that like to adorn our few remaining letters with a little panache; put some color and meaning into our choice of stamps, we have 5 new ones coming and celebrating people and things we hold dear.

• John Wooden:  UCLA legend and probably the most often quoted college basketball coach in history. “You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.”
• Dungeons and Dragons: How many nights sleep were lost by our nerd kids, (aka tech-geniuses that now run the world), playing this totally incomprehensible to us seniors game?
• Ansel Adams:  I may have mentioned once or a hundred times I spent an afternoon at his home in Carmel, CA, talking photography.  If you are one of the 3 people I missed telling feel free to write for details (but be careful what you wish for!).
• Carnival Nights: From roller coasters to hot dogs, carnivals were a staple of summertime fun for many Americans in the past.  These days you need a bundle of cash and a body guard.  Ten new stamps in a pane of 20 feature photographs capturing the energy and lights of a summer carnival at night.

All worthy subjects but they missed one that I have been trying to get honored for many years.  Those of you who agree with me, (and who doesn’t?) please join me in my letter writing campaign to finally get this person of color on a postage stamp.  He has the wisdom of King Solomon, the patience and perseverance of St. Monica and the self-discipline of Gandhi.  I hope someday my letters of complaint to McDonald’s regarding their  cruel inconsistency in the offering of the McRib sandwich will be embellished with a stamp of my personal hero, PAPA SMURF!  

I love Blue in both my states and my superheroes!

    This email sent to me by the guardian of all old curmudgeons, the AARP!  But nine of the things made sense and were really not surprising; alcohol, marijuana, cash, fruits and vegetables, blah, blah.  
    But there was one surprise, not that you shouldn’t mail it but that they felt the need to tell us oldies but goodies not to. PETS.  They feel we have to be reminded not to mail Scooby-Doo or Stimpson J. Cat?
     I imagine we will be getting further “No-Duh” Advice like “don’t store your oysters at room temperature for a week,” “don’t leave your invalid sister’s wheel chair next to a flight of stairs” and “don’t squeeze your testicles in a vice,” (actually I could have used that advice last week but that’s a story for another post).

We’re old, not dumb!

Sure, we all know the word is closely related to a criminally indicted low-life narcissistic sociopath who stole from his own charity, dodged the draft and seems to be incapable of telling the truth, especially when he fabricates his past accomplishments.  But there is more to the word than that.  So before you try to eradicate it from the English language, think of the many important images the descriptive word contributes to our quest for clear communication.
For example:

• Six no-trump…Double…Pass…Pass!
• The festering, puss-filled trump on my elbow causes a great deal of pain.
• Ooh my stomach!  Must’ve  eaten some bad clams.  Out of my way, have to go take a trump!
• The retired veteran got trumped; lost everything he had to scam artists.
• She is a racist, hate-monger with no empathy for another human being. She’s a trump; a sleaze three times worse than a Karen.  
• He must be the dumbest person on earth, a real trump.

Catch my drift?

In his epic experiment George Costanza, assisted by Elaine Benes and Jerome Seinfeld, proved this point.  While the three friends were having lunch at the diner Elaine noticed a beautiful woman at the counter glance at George.  George normally would not have the guts to do anything about it so he was goaded into trying the opposite.  He approached her and introduced himself adding the facts that he was unemployed and living with his parents.   She replied in the sultriest of come-hither voices, “I’m Victoria, hi.”

Emboldened by George’s success, I tried the exact same lines approaching a woman at a local diner.  Although I received a positive response, it turned out badly.  I perhaps made an error in judgement by approaching the lady while out to lunch with Linda. She refused to accept the excuse that when an opportunity to advance science presents itself, one must act immediately.

Much like tortured artists, we scientists suffer for our craft!

Everyone loves a good riddle so why not come to BetterFredThanDead for the best?  And while currently there is only one question here and no prizes if you figure it out, you will have the satisfaction of a job well done and I will give you a hearty hand-clasp next time I see you!

Riddle #1: What Christmas Song is depicted below:

The finest apples in Apple Land make Mott’s Apple Sauce taste grand! & LIBERTY
The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup! & CHURCH
Bring out the Best Foods and bring out the best!  & SILVER 
My Baloney has a first name it’s O-S-C-A-R &  ____OF ST. MARY’S

The answer is___________?  Too Easy?

“Jingle Bells”  Get it?   No?  A jingle + Bells.  Still nothing?  Really, you didn’t laugh?  Or perhaps you are a “Karate Laugher?”   You laugh on the inside and don’t show your weakness.  Everybody’s a critic.  Listen up Ebert Jr.  This site is free.  You want A-list comedy, buy a ticket to Chappelle or Gaffigan and move along!

Linda and I went out for breakfast at IHOP last week.  We knew the food would be mediocre, the sign in front said so; it said “IHOP.”  (Thanks Bill Maher).  But what we weren’t prepared for was the bill.  Linda ordered off the Senior Menu, smaller portions but supposedly discount prices.  I had a regular breakfast combo, she had coffee and I drank only water.  So for one cup of weak coffee, ok pancakes and cold toast the check came to $40.00 including tip.  For that price I would have expected a much better breakfast followed by a happy ending.

I guess I am happy at the thought of never having to go into an IHOP again.  Unless, of course, you’re buying.

    The most controllable factor in the fight against cognitive decline is a healthy lifestyle.  Top brain health tips include boosting your intake of “neuroprotective” foods, like leafy greens, vegetables, berries, nuts, fish and seafood, and high quality olive oil.  Additionally regular cardio exercise such as walking, running or cycling is an important positive contributor to cognitive health.

The easiest method for non-medical professionals to spot someone in severe cognitive decline is by their headwear.  No clear-thinking human would don this cap.
 
Yes, the more astute of you might have noticed this is thematically similar to my post of April 18th.  It is my way of dealing with my inability to comprehend why anyone would consider that walking personification of explosive diarrhea a good choice for U.S. President.