Archives for 2024

   Not for everyone, understanding these may require an advanced degree in a scientific or math discipline:

• Why are there no restrooms at airport stores?    Because they are doody-free shops!
• What marionette works as a Bathroom Greeter at Walmart?    Howdy Doody.
• What’s the most popular video game in bathrooms?   Call of Doody!
• Why is it unsafe to use the swimming pool as a toilet?  Because there are no lifeguards on doody!
• What do you call an employee that never leaves his desk?    Doody-full.

Is this what Freud meant by “anal retentive?”   No one really gives a s**t!

P.S. What is the official Drink of restrooms?  Coca-Colon! 
(I should have quit while I was behind!)

Having worked for twenty years as a dock foreman and manager of a small delivery and a large union trucking company I am no stranger to the generous use of profanity.  Those were the days when an “F” word was spelled out and enunciated in full; the days before political correctness ruled the land.

But the word spelled out is now F***,   %$*&, or F**k if you are really bold.  It is also spoken as frigging. fricken’ or just plain F as in WTF.

Thankfully there are still books in states where censorship does not thrive and cable and streaming stations where actual, real-life scenarios are depicted.  Although it has been over 30 years since I set foot on a loading dock I can’t imagine its language has changed.  But HR Departments have stepped up their game so perhaps a modern day dock foreman may sound more like this:

“You effing’ lazy mother-fathers better get off your blankety-blank you-know-whats before I perform a rectal insertion of my lower appendage!”

Cut off your head! Hahahahahahahaha! (LOL to the 10 people under 50 years old that still look at Facebook).

That’s an old schoolyard joke from when I was a kid many, many, many, many years ago, (was that enough manys?).   But there is a teachable moment here regarding the difference between losing weight and losing fat.  If you focus on just weight loss you might reduce by losing lean muscle. Lisa Young Ph.D. says in her book Finally Full, Finally Slim “A reduction in body fat helps improve body composition, reduce the risk of chronic diseases, and improves heart health.”

So the question is how do you lose fat and retain muscle?  If anyone has that answer please IM me.  Additionally I’d like to do it without dietary restrictions and exhausting exercise.  “A goal without a plan is just a dream!”

That’s how desperate People Magazine is for a headline.  It said Jessica soaked in the salt for 30 minutes before slipping into her pink Tamara Ralph Couture watermelon silk faille gown and cape embellished with striped coqui feathers and crystals.  The article also noted that she is 42 years old as we readers are such voyeurs we always need to know the ages of the celebrities we mock.  It never did say why she did it but a Google search said an Epsom salt a powerful muscle relaxant.

All I know is that if she and Justin are truly on the rocks after Britany Spears skewered him in her memoir The Woman in Me, and I somehow ended up alone in a room with Jessica Biel, she would be out of luck.  Since my heart problem I am on a salt-free diet!

(P.S. It’s MOTHER’S DAY! Have you called or visited Mom yet?)

The problem with the manner in which I post my daily rant is that you may be reading a follow-up post before the original on which it was based. But since they are all meaningless who cares?  Yesterday’s post on embarrassing health conditions sparked these two memories in my addled psyche.

For many years at Coastal Training I worked with the VP of HR and considered her a friend (as we are today) and, if not a mentor, then certainly a trusted advisor.  At the time I was at my heaviest, about 90 lbs. more than I am now, and someone told her that when I bend the proverbial “plumber’s crack” reared its ugly head (or should I say cheeks?).  Of course she could not divulge who reported me but I knew it was none of my close friends because they would have no problem, in fact delight in telling me to my face.  But it doesn’t matter.  None of us enjoys being humiliated.  She was direct and prefaced the private discussion with “I’m sure you’ll appreciate knowing…”  I did appreciate it.

Sometime later in my capacity of Director, Human Resource Sales, one of 12 titles I held over 20 years, I had a sales rep that, for some reason unknown to me, began giving off an unpleasant odor (phew, that was the nicest way to put it).  It may have been medical but seemed to be from their clothing and/or body.  I knew from the very training lessons we sell that I needed to address the situation.  Our training says to make it private and direct and don’t say “you smell” but rather say “at times you have an odor that is too noticeable.”  The same direction you might give to a server that wears too much cologne or perfume; problem Solved.

I’m sure there is a moral here somewhere.  Let’s go with “Be honest and direct” or “bathe regularly and wash your clothes. Your friends and workmates will appreciate it.”

This article from the AARP was directed at the senior citizens among us but contains a lesson for all ages.  You should be able to talk to your doctor about any condition that worries you such as the nine mentioned in the article: excessive sweating, body odor, bowel leakage (eww), erectile dysfunction (not me…), hemorrhoids, bad breath, bladder control problems, flatulence and toenail fungus.   I’ll cop to an occasional bout of black toe before I discovered the joy of going shoeless for most of the day, but that is the only one I can speak of from personal experience.  Yes, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

But if you do suffer from any of these please do tell your doctor; just don’t tell anyone else!

Qigong (chee-gong), a centuries-old Chinese tradition that involves precise movements to promote overall well-being is easily accessible and enjoyable for practitioners of all levels.  Pranayama, derived from Sanskrit meaning “breath,” focuses on harnessing the energy flow, known as prana, throughout the body to optimize health and vitality.

But before you choose consider this.  As you may have already discerned from past posts I am basically a non-confrontational milquetoast that rides the fence in most matters.  I believe there are positive and negative attributes in all of us and everyone is worthy of being heard (except, of course, in the case of bloody idiots who believe a lying, cheating sociopath deserves to be re-elected president).  But there are times when you must pick a side and own it.

For example, if you were a Kung Fu master who had sailed across the salt to America and landed in Chinatown, San Francisco circa 1870, you would have to make a choice to swear allegiance to either the Long Zii or the Hop Wei Tong.  Your initial choice, of course, would be the Long Zii because its leader, Mai Ling, is as smokin’ hot as a supermodel, while the Hop Wei’s leader is an evil one-eyed tyrant called Father Jun.  But delving further into what is truly important you would soon learn that Madam Ah Toy’s brothel is under the protection of  the Hop Wei.  And had you been paying attention to the Netflix parental warnings at the beginning of Warrior you would have seen violence, smoking, language and nudity!  The clear choice for optimal viewing is the Hop Wei! 

So I ask again you Grasshopper, after careful consideration, Qigong or Pranayama?

I love peaches so much it’s my pet name for Linda.  But I think I’d change the name of this cake like I did when I published the recipes for “Chocolate Pinch-A-Loaf,” “Date-Nut Droppings” and “Cut the Cheese Cake.”

If you don’t get the joke you are way too sophisticated to be reading my infantile posts!

Former adult film star (so I’m told…how would I know?) Stormy Daniels testified that when she had sex with Donald Trump he said she reminded him of his daughter (creepy) and he did not wear a condom!

Somehow I think I could have lived my entire life without knowing that.  I would be more interested if she’d reveal his exclamations during the moment of ecstatic release, (About 30 seconds after entry).  Was it “Yahoo” or “Hasta luego democracy, Hitler’s back?”

Probably more like “ugh” but the romantic in me hopes for more!

Kentucky has 7.5 million barrels of bourbon, about 1.75 barrels per person.  The state produces 95% of the world’s bourbon whiskey.

So if, like me, you wonder how a failed doctor psycho conspiracy theorist and a gutless curmudgeon displaying signs of dementia both became senators, perhaps granny passed out a few of the barrels at the polling place on election day.

Or perhaps that’s what happens when cousins marry?