Archives for 2024

Last time you were in Florence, Italy, and stood gazing at Michelangelo’s masterpiece, I’m sure the question that everyone has asked came to mind: why was he depicted with such a small penis?  One statue might just have been anatomically correct.  But, in fact, it was the same with many of the ancient statues.  In my quest to answer all of the mysteries of the Universe I researched the subject and found some interesting facts.

Around 2,400 years ago, the comedy poet Aristophanes recorded what the ideal male body should look like: “A gleaming chest, bright skin, broad shoulders, tiny tongue, strong buttocks and a little prick.”  “The Romans adopted this idea and not only them — Renaissance artists such as Michelangelo or Raphael were enthusiastic about the perfectly modeled masterpieces of antiquity and based their work on them.”  Mystery solved but it led me to another topic of interest we all share.

I am currently researching an article to find out what Mrs. Michelangelo or Mrs. Rafael had to say on the subject of the male anatomy.  I’m guessing if they were artists their statues and paintings would have been quite a bit different!

     This article from Microsoft Start holds a lot of promise but, as you can imagine, immediately slides into the pit of hell with the first food listed; kale.  And not even dishes like Kale a l’ Orange, Bone-in Kale Ribeye or Kale Wellington.  Just steamed kale.  The nauseating list goes on with broccoli, cucumber, then showed a little promise with blueberries and popcorn until you find you can’t add pancakes to your berries and eat only plain air-popped corn with no toppings.  It then continues your trip into the abyss with such delicacies as cherry tomatoes, brussels sprouts, celery and carrots.
     I’m beginning to think the only way to lose weight is to eat less calories and exercise more.
      Bummer!

Venus Williams and eight other female athletes (no need to identify them because you probably will not know their names) will have Barbie Dolls made in their likenesses as Mattel looks to celebrate women’s sports ahead of the Paris Olympics.

In keeping with Mattel’s policy to combine reality with unrealistic expectations, the doll is ultra-skinny and little girls will be encouraged, when role-playing agent, to accept contracts at 70% of what they negotiate for Ken.

OK, that’s enough.  I’m cancelling myself!

    The Pennsylvania Dutch community of Kutztown, PA, has so many delightful sights and sounds but they all play second fiddle to the town’s real claim to fame, The Kutztown Folk Festival, this year taking place from June 19th to July 7, 2024.

• The Kutztown Folk Festival is the oldest continuously operated folklife festival in America. This nine-day event draws visitors from all over the world
• The Festival features traditional American artisans with over 2,500 locally handmade Dutch quilts on display and for sale; 
• Authentic folklife demonstrations and six stages of entertainment (yawn).
• Authentic Pennsylvania Dutch food including Gobblegooken, Tubafatglobben and everyone’s favorite candied lederhosen (I’m working from memory here).

I received a letter today from Kutztown but it was not the invitation to the festival I had hoped.  As it turns out Kutztown has a second claim to fame.  It is the headquarters of the Cremation Information Center operated by “Neptune Cremation Service, Today’s Sensible Choice”

So before you get excited about a letter from P.O. Box 827, Kutztown, PA, thinking you are getting a trip to the Folk Festival, take a moment and be sure to read the fine print before you sign anything!

Back in 1982 when Prince released “1999” partying like it’s 1999 meant to party hard as either the end of the world was coming or the new millennium was worth a massive celebration.  But now the AARP, the Guardian of the Elderly, is making it possible for us oldies but goodies to actually go back over 50 years and Party with Atari!”

All the old Atari games like, Pong (1972), Asteroids (1979), Missile Command (1980) and Centipede (1981) are available on their website.  No danger of seizures with Grand Theft Auto, no being frightened to death by Red Dead Redemption, no dangerously raising our libido with Leisure Suit Larry or staying awake past 9:00PM enthralled with League of Legends!

Yep, this Saturday you are all invited to wild night at our home.  We’ll start with dinner at 4:30PM.  Linda will make her special cream of wheat and maybe even add a touch of brown sugar.  Then a “no holds barred” round of Pong and other games until a hard stop at 7:30PM so you can get home before dark….WILD!

     It is called an aglet and sometimes spelled aiglet.  The word originates from the French word “aiguillette”, meaning “needle”.
     I tell you this to use up several thousand of your brain cells.  Hopefully this bit of trivia replaced the atrophying cells that make you think voting for a maniac to return to the presidency is a good idea.
     This is just one of many experiments I am undertaking in my attempt to return sanity to our country.

Don’t get excited.  I am not going to attack your religious fantasy about Heaven being a place of plenty where you can eat all the pie and ice cream you want and not gain weight, or my nightmare about hell, which to me is a giant 80″ OLED TV with no off switch that, for all eternity, broadcasts nothing but “The Bachelor” and “The Kardashians.”

I am referencing an article by Deepak Chopra on LinkedIn.  Deepak opens with “One of the main reasons that any religion or spiritual tradition exists is to reassure us about dying.”   He goes on to hypothesize if there is no discernable beginning how can there be an end?  He quotes the T.S. Eliot poem ‘East Coker”  “In my end is my beginning…”  This brings to mind another life altering event when a well-known movie star allegedly showed up in a hospital emergency room and said “In my end is a gerbil!”

Can we really answer this question?  “The nice thing about existence is that it can be relied upon even when you have no idea where it came from.”   “You are here and the New Age phrase, ‘Be here now’ isn’t a goal.  It just is.  You cannot help but be here now, since that’s the definition of existence.”

“Where do we go after we die? Nowhere in physical terms. We never leave home because there’s no alternative.  Non-existence is a fantasy born of fear.”

Obviously you and I need to discuss this in greater detail.  I can work you in for two one-hour sessions per week.  How about Tuesdays and Thursdays at 10:00AM?  Friends and Family Discount, $150 per hour.  I’ll send you my Venmo details.

Mystery Explained:  Last Week parts of North America were treated to a rare sight; Aurora Borealis, The Northern Lights.  This happens when a particularly large coronal mass ejection arrives in the Earth’s outer atmosphere, triggering a geomagnetic storm.  What we are seeing therefore are atoms and molecules in our atmosphere colliding with particles from the Sun. The aurora’s characteristic wavy patterns and ‘curtains’ of light are caused by the lines of force in the Earth’s magnetic field.

Mystery Remains:  On May 23, 2024 a new season of The Kardashians premiers on Netflix.  Who is watching this inane garbage?  Phony staged arguments, rampant ignorance, 3 inches of make-up and 7 big asses (and I’m not referring to their hind-quarters which may qualify none-the-less).

Someone please show them this post.  It is my hope they hire me as script supervisor to shut me up.  I could use a few bucks and right now the only two gigs open to me are “Walmart Greeter’ or operating a toaster oven to give out samples of Kirkland Wieners at Costco.

New Game: “Celebrity Challenge.”   And like our other games and challenges there is no cash or gift prize but I will offer a hearty hand clasp and a jovial “Well Done!” next time we meet.  Let’s see if you are keeping up with the world of entertainment!

Today’s Question:  Rumors are flying that Ben Affleck’s marriage to Jennifer Lopez is on the rocks.  Which of the following facts is the smoking gun foreshadowing their split? 

1. Jennifer’s gowns are exposing even more of her Greek Goddess-like rack than usual.
2. Jennifer finally saw Ben in “Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice” and completely dried up.
3. Ben realized dumping a beauty like Ana de Armas was a big mistake!
4. Ben called out Jennifer Garner’s name during sex.
5. Jennifer called out Diddy’s name during sex.
6. They simultaneously called out Matt Damon’s name during sex.

Breakups are sad, especially in the entertainment industry where relationships rarely fail.  At least if you break up with Taylor Swift you get a song written about you!

    Where is your compassion People?  Even though this man is a backward, weak, mentally challenged misogynist, he has managed to become one of the premier kickers in the NFL.
     That should count for something!