Archives for October 2024

Why can’t warlocks have children?
Because they have Hollow Weenies!
(Deadpan pause for you to catch your breath from hysterical laughter)  

Dishing up humor for 73 years! I’m not sure which is older; that joke or me?

I have written before about how the Oxord English Dictionary (OED), a historical dictionary that provides authoritative information on the English language, publishes an annual list of words that are new to English and words that have become obsolete and are being removed.  Recent additions are Chillax and Whatev; recent deletions, overmorrow, lunting and groak.

My whole life I have heard the sorrowful lament “nothing rhymes with orange.”  As my legacy I am teaming up with the OED Organizstion to add a word in English that goes, in fact, literally rhymes with orange.  A few of the candidates:

• Florange:  The color of residents of Palm Beach, FL.
• Clorange:  The color of a red shirt after it is accidentally washed with Clorox.
• Porange:  Poor quality homemade sex film.
• Whorange:  Star of a poor quality homemade sex film.
• Storange:  A place to buy citrus fruit.

I know what you are thinking; weak…but if you bowl every day you are going to throw a few gutterballs.

There are Plain, Peanut, Dark Chocolate, Dark Chocolate Peanut, Peanut Butter, Pretzel, Brownie Brittle, Blond Brownie Brittle, Crunchy Cookie, Dark Cold Brew, Caramel, Almond, Holiday Mint and several more.

Presidential Candidates that have a chance: (2) Two, Count ’em (2).  A Human Being and Sociopathic Narcissist.

It’s good to have choices!

In 10th grade I was barely scraping by with a D in algebra.  The subject might as well have been taught in Russian; I was lost.  Then the chapter on quadratic equations appeared as if sent to me for my salvation.  I had no idea what it meant and looking at it now I draw a blank, but I somehow understood how to plug figures into the model and get the correct answer.  Looks simple right?

         

My teacher had an interesting method of grading:  10% showing up and participating; 10% completing homework: 40% chapter tests; 30% final exam and 10% on what grade you thought you deserved.  Long story short by putting down an “A” as my projected grade I crossed a toe over the line and raised my pre-quadratic D into a life-affirming B!

My Teacher felt I was a bit over-zealous with my grade prediction, but I explained while perhaps not deserving of The Noble Prize in Math for my mastery of the equation, it was my most exalted A-like accomplishment. True to his word he gave me the A points.

I credit this unexpected educational triumph as the impetus for me to get my college degree in English Lit, an undergrad degree without a career path other than pursuing an advanced degree.  I needed money and was able to land a horrible job as a freight salesman, trading excellent seats for LA Dodger games for truckloads of freight at regulated exorbitant rates.  All was fine until 1980 when President Jimmy Carter saved consumers millions of dollars by deregulating freight rates.

I seem to have drifted off topic.  I’ll end with “Yaay Algebra!”

MSN put out a list of lie indicators.  Be aware if someone says one of the following phrases:

• To be honest…
• I would never do that…
• Trust me…
• To be honest…
• You can ask anyone…
• I didn’t do anything wrong…
• Why would I lie…
• I don’t remember…

The article was very superficial.  Here are a few more specific phrases to listen for:

• That skirt is quite slimming.
• Had a bad day? I want to hear everything.
• I broke even.
• I won (or lost) a little.
• You’ve never made this before? It’s delicious!
• Hi, I’m Donald, bigly smart and running for President.
• I won it playing cards.
• Don’t worry, I had a vasectomy.

A beautiful thought I think was written by the Sufi poet Rumi; or possibly it was my college roomie Bernie who said lots of cool stuff between classes and shifts at the Arthur Treacher’s Fish and Chips in Santa Monica. It’s hard to remember as I went to college in the late sixties and things are a bit muddled.

But whoever or whomever (?) said it, it tells us “our most painful experiences, our deepest wounds, can be the very places where we are most open to receiving insight, growth and profound understanding, allowing us a light that illuminates our life and guides us toward healing and deeper meaning.”

So the next time you slice your palm open while cutting a bagel, suck it up, let in the light and learn to saw with the sharp end of the knife facing away from you.  Don’t you feel smarter already?

Sharing these Life Lessons with a bunch of Dumbos (present company excepted, of course), gives my life purpose!  Do you think anyone would pay for these? 
I’ve got thousands of them!

This is a subject I can speakto from experience.  I walk around bent at the waist like a nearsighted Mr. Magoo looking for his lost contact lens.  Seeking relief I found an article detailing the five best exercises to counter the damage done by sitting for years bent over a desk.

My favorite is the Fire Hydrant.  You get down on all fours and lift your leg like a dog peeing, carefully stretch and return alternating legs with each rep.  I have added extending and returning the leg before setting back down on all fours.

Word of caution.  If you are planning on emulating your dog make sure you own a male.  If you copy a female you will exercise an entirely different set of muscles.

Japan is on the cutting edge of the rush to replace humans with robots.  We see it everyday in the USA.  For example, Entra-manure Elon Musk has relaced Donald Trump with a life-like puppet he controls.  But the Japanese are making driverless machines a reality, not screaming missles of death like Musk’s self-driving cars. 

But we have to draw the line somewhere, even in Japan.  If I go into a sushinbar and R2D2 is preparing fresh Fugu, a delicatly delicious fish known for its Tetrodotoxin, a poison more potent than syanide or arsenic that makes eating it a real adventure, I think I’ll pass and order the safe make-believe sushi in America; the one that you will never see in Japan; the ubiquitous “California Roll.”  Yum!

Another example of the “Greatest Hits” circa 1950:
“Girls who try to be walking encyclopedias should remember, reference books are never taken out!”

I print these to show millennials and beyond how things have changed since I was an adolescent.  A time before equal pay or cancellation were even a fleeting thought in the male mind.  Women in the workplace were subjected to rampant sexual innuendo and held to a standard that was as much appearance and attitude as it was job performance.  And there was little or no recourse.  Even the TV shows portrayed mothers as perfectly coiffed dutiful wives ready with a cocktail and hot dinner upon their husband’s arrival home.  And daughters pursued cheerleading and home economics, striving to be a good wife, retail clerk or, for those that dared to dream big, a school teacher.

Thinking back on it weren’t women a lot happier and more satisfied back then?  Didn’t it all make more sense?
(Hahahahahahahahaha!  A joke.  PLEASE don’t tell Linda I said that.  She is not as open to my type of humor as one might expect).

Say what you want about old-time commercial heavy television but something important was lost when streaming took over.  Commercials provided valuable information that made us “street smart” and allowed us to function and progress in a rapidly changing world.  Here are just a few of life’s valuable lessons we learned from TV advertising:

• Trix are for kids.
• Irish Spring is manly but she likes it too!
• It’s the water, the water, the water, that makes Olympia Beer.
• You can’t get enough of that Sugar Crisp.
• The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.
• Nothin’ says lovin’ like something from the oven and Pillsbury says it best.
• My bologna’s first name is Oscar.
• Maxwell house is good to the last drop.
• Granny Goose potato chips are for grown-ups.
• You can’t eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
• Stanley Chevrolet is 2 blocks off the Santa Ana Freeway.
• Earl Scheib will paint any car any color for $29.95. (Yes, I’m that old!)
• Say the magic words, Mission Pack, and it’s on its very way. (Long before Amazon)
• Mikey likes it.
• Each box of Raisin Bran has (2) two (2) scoops of raisins.
• Hamburger helper helps your hamburger make a great meal.
• LSMFT! Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. (no gender related meanings)
• Use FedEx when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
• Just say No!
• If you don’t look good neither does Vidal Sassoon.
• A little dab of Brylcream will do ya.

Is this the reason for the great political divide in our country today?  That or possibly Roundup, S’mores, or fluoridated water. WTFK?