Archives for September 2024

So Republican candidates take any money from anywhere; every big: big oil, big pharma, big financials and no one cares.  The leader of the party and nominee for President is being metaphorically paraded around on a leash wearing a tight black leather outfit with metal studs by his dominatrix, Mistress Elon, doing his unholy bidding.  He is bought and paid for.  When not sucking on the Musk teat he is busy hawking his merchandise and gathering a fortune.  And the party follows him mindlessly like preschoolers fascinated by a cuddly puppy.

Meanwhile the Democrats are trumpeting a perceived moral victory of not taking billionaire’s money by non-stop begging for pennies. I have been asked for amounts between $5.00 and $40.00 and they are forever whining that they are behind.  I’d be falling at Mark Cuban’s feet begging for a $100 million.  I’d give him anything he wants.  I know it would be something that wouldn’t harm others, unlike the power grab of the opposition billionaire’s that have scores of politicians and Supreme Court judges in their pockets.  Republicans become outraged at comparisons between Trump’s actions and Hitler’s but, many of his moves like non-stop lying, mirror how Adolph consolidated power.  Who else compared him to Hitler?  Oh yeah, it was J.D. Vance before he realized he better join the Bund or leave the country.

Of course, this is just my opinion.  I could be wrong…about the metal-studded leather outfit. 

That’s how Henry Hill explained how the downside was worth the perks of being a mobster in GoodFellas!   My first real beating was for a less dramatic reason.  

 In February of 1960 my family moved from Chicago to Los Angeles.   We lived on the corner of Sierra Bonita and Venice Boulevard and I enrolled in the 4th grade at Burnside Avenue Elementary.  In those days we had after school activities and I stayed for the baseball games.  Since I was never picked for a team I ended up as an umpire and in this particular game was at first base.

Long story short I made a terrible call giving the final out to the winning team; the losing team was not happy.  As I endured threats I went to the coach for support and he reiterated it was a terrible call.  When I asked why he didn’t overrule me he said “that’s not how it works.”  On my way home I was visited by 4 members of the losing team; mostly 6th graders.  Due in part to my unique fighting style, laying on the sidewalk crumpled into a ball begging for my life, my only visible scar was a slight shiner under my left eye and several body bruises, all hidden under my clothes.

Rather ironic being born on the south side of Chicago, Bad, Bad Leroy Brown territory, and never taking a real beating until we moved to the glitter and sunshine of Los Angeles, California.  But I did learn three valuable lessons:

1. Elementary school Omerta.  I kept my mouth shut and was left alone.
2. Being an umpire is not for the faint of heart…or me.
3. The pain of a beating is more mental than physical.
4. Forgiveness is the key to happiness.

I wish I could meet with those four boys now and tell them I forgive them.  Tell them I moved on while I tie them up and cover them with honey and an army of Fire Ants.

As I said, I only learned three valuable lessons.  I am still working on #4.

Operating from your head or brain, you may make what society deems the “Smart” decision.  But research has proven that the heart has its own intelligence (and it communicates more to the brain than the reverse!) that, when activated, can powerfully guide us and also impact those around us in profoundly positive ways. 

You see a homeless immigrant.  Your brain may say “danger” and you turn away.  But your heart says they are hungry and a few dollars can relieve their suffering so you put something in the box.

There is a third option; operating from your ass by inserting your head.  In that case you lock your pet inside, buy a MAGA hat and vote for Trump.

I know, I know.  You’re getting tired of me stating the obvious.  I’ve never claimed to be original, only honest.

Everybody Sing Along!
“Istanbul was Constantinople, it’s Istanbul not Constantinople…”

Like me, I’m sure the 1953 hit by The Four Lads is one of your favorites.  I don’t think you can pass a karaoke bar without hearing someone singing the lyrics or humming the catchy tune.  It made me realize you probably are not aware of the unique string of events that led to Constantinople’s downfall. Prepare for shock and awe.

In 1453 the city was besieged by the Ottoman Turks led by Sultan Mehmed II.  The siege lasted for about two months, during which the defenders, numbering approximately 7,000, faced a much larger Ottoman force of around 80,000 troops.  After all these years I put 2 and 2 together and came up with this insightful theory, at last putting to bed and conjecture as to why the city and the Byzantine Empire fell.  They were outnumbered.

I hope, once the shock wears off, you accept this news and move on with your life.  It’s not your fault!

Ever since the game Trivial Pursuit made it U.S. debut in 1982 endless trivia games and contests have flourished.  Perhaps I am a little late to the game but better late than never…I guess.  So here is an example of what you can expect:

     Shunpei Yamazaki is:

1. A traditional sushi roll consisting of Spanish mackerel, Shark’s Fin, Fugu glands, flying Fish Roe & Pig Trotters.
2. The martial arts ceremony where, after years of torturous practice in the dojo, an apprentice fisherman’s assistant is promoted to the elevated position of Master Baiter.
3. Toyota Motor Corporation’s newest model hybrid that runs on tap water and Red Bull.
4. A Japanese inventor with more than 26,000 distinct patent publications for his inventions.
5. Japanese art of repairing broken ceramics with gold for people with way too much time and money.

A bit too intellectual?  Should I dumb it down a notch?  I don’t run a pub for idiots!

STOP!  Spoiler Alert!   Exit the post NOW if you don’t want to be haunted by the forbidden knowledge!  If you choose to read on, management takes no responsibility.  Your actions are yours and yours alone.  You have been warned!

 

“I” said the Sparrow, “with my bow and arrow!”
SEE?  I tried to stop you but you proceeded with reckless abandon.  You have no one to blame but yourself!

Helpful suggestions from the AARP.  A will is always a work in progress until such time as you, hmmm, how should I say this, shuffle off this mortal coil, buy the farm, flat line, take the dirt nap or legally be no longer required to file a tax return.  They suggest six specific times when you should review and adjust your instructions for the post-mortem divesting of your vast wealth.  Here they are with a few examples I have provided as a service to my readers:

1. Your marital or familial status changes. (Your recently acquired trophy wife, 30 years younger than you, gets a new personal trainer named Flavio).
2. One or more of your beneficiaries has a major life change.  (Your ne’er-do-well son becomes a personal trainer and changes his name to Flavio).
3. You move to a new state or country. (Or are an ex-president about to take up long-term residence on Rikers Island).
4. Your assets increase.  (Finally hit the lotto just before you croak).
5. You change your mind about something important. (Saving the Asian Small-Clawed Otter from extinction is no longer a priority).
6. You haven’t reviewed your will in years.  (Because who gives a rat’s ass?  You’ll be dead).

Good advice as the one universal truth about life is that we all want to depart our corporeal body with our paperwork in order!

There was electricity in the air as the three great minds met to discuss current events.  Edison was more direct but Tesla kept alternating currents.  Franklin tried to chime in but the very rude Mr. Edison told him to go fly a kite.  Tesla seemed to winning the argument with his induction reasoning but a light bulb appeared over Edison’s head giving him an edge.  All the while Franklin said he had the key to the discovery.

Eventually the discussion turned to how Franklin got there since he’d been dead over 100 years and in the chaos that ensued, they all skipped out on the bar tab, leaving the bartender on the hook for $4.00.

What a bunch of Jerks!

Researchers somewhere, (I forgot to write it down), have determined that life’s little luxuries are important for people of all walks of life.  Massages, facials, workout classes, manicures all should be enjoyed by everyone as they contribute greatly to our mental health and well-being.  They believe practicing self-care releases certain neurotransmitters in the brain, including the “feel Good hormones” dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. 

So before you do another thing take a day or two off from work, dip into next month’s rent, borrow the emergency cash in the jar hidden on the shelf, or drain your child’s college education fund and book some sessions at a spa.  It will be good for your brain and body.

And think about it, what could possibly go wrong?

     I am going to abbreviate this two-part procedure and get the news you can use quickly.  The first part will produce big results in 20 seconds.  Pay attention:

• The Vagus Nerve is the longest cranial nerve in your body.  It helps control essential involuntary functions, including heart rate, speech, mood, and digestion.
• However, stress, danger, or excitement can cause the vagus nerve to malfunction causing anxiety.  If you aren’t in immediate physical danger this may cause unnecessary stress.
• One of the fastest ways to stimulate the vagus nerve is through your vocal cords.  You need to “Voo” your way to calm in just a few seconds.

     So how do you do it?

• You take a deep, full, easy breath, and on the exhalation, make the sustained sound ‘vooooo,’ directing the vibration to your gut.
• Once you let the air all the way out, you just allow the next breath to come in.
• You can repeat this practice as many times as you’d like.  20 seconds and you are noticeably calmer.

     Combine the “Voo” with part 2, Doo, a trip to the bathroom for a satisfying ride on the porcelain bus and you will have a bright, sunshine filled day no matter what the weather is like outside.
     There you have it: Happiness through Voo-Doo! 

(**Note:  For those who are not able to perfectly coordinate both steps, use part 1 as a stand-alone exercise and enjoy a 20 second trip to calms-ville!)