Archives for August 2024

In 1983 five of us, my brother, our wives and my aunt, went to the theater to see Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life,” in my opinion one of the greatest cinematic achievements of all time, although I realize there are differing opinions on this film.  I believe this anecdote serves as an example of a universal truth when it comes to comedy.

The classic scene when Mr. Creosote enters the fine dining establishment.  As he is being seated the headwaiter calls for Gaston to bring a bucket so the honored patron, a gigantically obese man, may throw up.  The ensuing scene alternating between ordering, eating and violent vomiting elicited two separate reactions from our group.  The three women wanted to go to the theater manager and demand their money back while my brother and I were laughing so hard we had trouble breathing and maintaining an upright position in our seats.

Although the control group of this experiment only included three women, I believe this alone proves my theory.  Women have no sense of humor.  If that’s not enough proof for you, get this.  Linda also does not think The Three Stooges are funny.  And, I hate to admit this in public, does not like Marx Brothers movies. 

Oh well, she tells me I’m funny and that’s kept us going for 50 years, so all is good!

Five “Common Sense” actions to improve your life:

1. Wear Sunscreen.
2. Walk 30 minutes.
3. Laugh often.
4. Eat protein.
5. Get a good night’s sleep.

Five “No Sense” actions that scream “IDIOT:”

1. Go to a tanning salon and lay under UV rays.
2. Text while driving.
3. Vote for a lying, cheating, thieving, sociopathic convicted felon for President.
4. Have a retirement strategy dependent on winning the lottery.
5. Eat a diet rich in cured meat, salty snacks and food fried in trans fats. 

And when in doubt give me a call.

These gems come to us from “Craft Your Happy Place,” a site that turns up on my MSN landing page. I won’t torture you with all 17 but there are some that seem so simple yet open to interpretation.  For those I feel you will benefit from further explanation.  The first few need no explanation.  Very simple; if when you are in public you talk loudly on a cellphone or to someone next to you, or even worse swear loudly, play loud music without headphones, leave trash,  or cut in line, you are an asshole; no doubt, no argument, game over.  But there is a gray area in some cases so keep these in mind:

• Public Displays of Affection:  A peck on the lips or platonic pat on the posterior, no problem.  If you are doing a hard target search for your partner’s larynx with your tongue, you best get a room.
• Invading Personal Space:  We all need to a small buffer zone around us to feel comfortable.  Be mindful of others and if the situation requires you be close, at least have the decency to suck on a TicTac.
• Picking Your Nose:  You might think this should be under the “No Duh” section but if you think about it…?  If you’re a man in a bar attempting to hook-up for a meaningless night of “can’t wait to brag at the office tomorrow,” it’s a major time-saver.  If she’s still there after the pick and roll you have an 88% chance of scoring.  For women it is the opposite.  They can use it to dump a loser at the bar who is not getting the hint his advances are unwelcome.  But I have bad news for you ladies.  If a guy thinks he has even a remote chance of bagging the big prize, it will take a lot worse than an errant booger search to dissuade him from trying.
• Talking About Inappropriate Subjects:  Sure it’s important to tell your girl a mysterious thing has popped up on your weenie, but wait until you are alone or, at least, out of the earshot of others.
• Ignoring Social Cues:  Be aware of others around you.  Understand what they are trying to impart with body language or facial changes.  If they are dry-heaving while you describe this mornings perfect bowel movement, realize they do not share your love of scatology and adjust your conversation accordingly.

It’s all just common sense, but for you social misfits, I am happy to navigate for you on your voyage of discovery.

Cults are sinister organizations that feed on the needs and insecurities of its members.  Think of it as a toxic friendship.  It starts off fun and exciting but soon it becomes controlling and isolates you from your support system.  You become totally dependent on the group and lose your individuality and perhaps your ability to think for yourself.  If only there was a way to avoid this trap and find a group that would care for me.  Now there is such a group.

Introducing the BetterFredThanDead Social Club. Come join us, friend!  We are here for you. Your every wish is our command.  You will at last find that home you long for and the parental and sibling love you were denied your whole life.  Your worries will melt like ice crystals in the spring (Good writing like this is not easy).  No need for money or possessions, everything is free!  We will take that bank account, jewelry, bonds, cars and free your mind to contemplate the universe.

You’re not buying it, are you?  Forget about it then.  Go join a cult.  I would have treated you better!  Maybe?

You may associate working out with a whole lot of huffing, puffing and sweating, but there is a new trend called “gentle movement,” and it has its own set of health benefits.  Holistic therapist Jenny Flora Wells explains “Gentle movement helps us reconnect with a slower pace in a world that’s constantly moving at a very fast pace.”  It includes practices like yoga, Pilates, walking, meditation, and even gardening — essentially, any activity that allows you to slow down and foster a stronger mind-body connection.

I offer you an even better solution.  In Association with Professor Harold Hill, star of The Music Man, I have adapted his “Think System” from learning to play an instrument to getting your daily exercise.  You can join the wave of devotees to No Movement by merely thinking about strenuous physical activity.  While sitting, or better yet reclining, think High Intensity Interval Training, your brain will assume the exercise is done and you will get the same benefit as if you had actually gone through the motions.

Sit down, put your feet up, relax and get fit!   I don’t make this stuff up, it’s science!

On August 26, 1939, announcer Red Barber called the game between the Cincinnati Reds and the Brooklyn Dodgers at Ebbets Field in Brooklyn, New York.   Regular programming did not yet exist, and very few people owned television sets.  There were only about 400 in the New York area.  It was part of a technology exhibit at the New York World’s Fair.  Let me put this in historical perspective for you:

• Network broadcasting did not begin until 1946.
• No candidate had bragged about his ability to grab women’s genitals with impunity, mocked a disabled reporter, stole money from a charity and still managed to get elected President.
• The majority of justices of the Supreme Court of the United States were not bought and paid for by unscrupulous billionaires.
• Gas was $0.19 per gallon (equivalent to $3.96 in 2022 dollars). This for the morons who think that the price of gas 4 years ago is a reflection of the monetary policies of one president.
• People had long conversations without gazing at their cellphones.
• The U.S. Congress was not populated by petulant children who do more name-calling than legislating.
• There were no Daily Inflammatory blog posts by a whining old curmudgeon who thinks he knows more than anyone else and believes he is right 100% of the time.

(That last one may be true?)

He may not be universally recognized as a genius yet, but he will soon get everything he deserves.

Bennett writes articles in The Better Report, internet spam that shows up daily in my inbox.  The articles are not really “news you can use” as they are touted but more aptly described as “News that’ll make you snooze.”  Bennett has, in the past, imparted to us unique life-sustaining ideas.  On the subject of saving money Benny suggested getting a library card and cutting dryer sheets in half.  There’s 12 cents right back into our pocket.  I guess the kids get milk this week!  The Klein-Meister General didn’t stop there, more ideas included shopping at discount stores and showering with cold water. Awesome!

There’s more.  The Benster also blew the lid off bubble wrap by teaching us how to curl hair by wrapping it around bubble wrap for a few hours.  No more wasting 5 minutes with a curling iron!  His article “6 Garbage Day Mistakes You’re Probably Making” warn us all to put the cans out on the correct day, not to overfill them and, for the love of humanity, DO NOT recycle greasy pizza boxes.

And still Bennett Kleinman, I salute you!  I share the wisdom of kings to my reader(s)? and have yet to make a penny.  You recycle banal bits of info from “The Hicksville Penny Saver” and are raking in millions. 

A grateful nation awaits your next revelation!

What if, as a society, we unanimously decided to reverse our living schedules; that is, do all our living, working, shopping during the night and sleep during the day?

For those that didn’t finish at night…the day awaits.  Can you even fathom how productivity would skyrocket and scientific discovery accelerate?  The benefits are too numerous to count and the down-side non-existent.  And if we get a jump on the competition we can corner the market on black-out curtains which are sure to be in greater demand than toilet paper during Covid-related lockdown!

Who’s with me?

This list from the Guardians of the Aged, the AARP.  

• Boat – Resort Living – Recreational Vehicle – Dream House – Fancy Cars – Giving to Adult Children – Time-Share – Pricey Musical Instruments – Impulse Purchases On-Line.

From another source (to remain anonymous based on the writer’s request) a list of less expensive purchases retirees rarely regret:

• Skimpy French costumes for domestic help.
• High-powered binoculars with night vision.
• Stacks of one dollar bills for “Wild Night Out.”
• Tinder cellphone app (or Grindr, perhaps?)
• Burner cellphone.
• Anything you order that promises delivery in a plain, unmarked envelope.
• Sweat pants, Tee Shirts and more sweat pants.

 “These are all fluid and gender neutral.  Enjoy” The Author

It has been verified that a 43 year old woman, Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout, who resides in Flushing, Queens, New York, not only does NOT have a monthly credit card charge for an unused gym membership, but has 6 streaming services and not only knows the exact cost of each but actually watches shows on all 6. 
                        Truth is stranger than fiction!

**Ed Note:  As a child Ms. Stout became infamous for her refusal to take the garbage out. (And if you don’t get the reference pick up a book once in a while!)