Archives for May 2024

The problem with the manner in which I post my daily rant is that you may be reading a follow-up post before the original on which it was based. But since they are all meaningless who cares?  Yesterday’s post on embarrassing health conditions sparked these two memories in my addled psyche.

For many years at Coastal Training I worked with the VP of HR and considered her a friend (as we are today) and, if not a mentor, then certainly a trusted advisor.  At the time I was at my heaviest, about 90 lbs. more than I am now, and someone told her that when I bend the proverbial “plumber’s crack” reared its ugly head (or should I say cheeks?).  Of course she could not divulge who reported me but I knew it was none of my close friends because they would have no problem, in fact delight in telling me to my face.  But it doesn’t matter.  None of us enjoys being humiliated.  She was direct and prefaced the private discussion with “I’m sure you’ll appreciate knowing…”  I did appreciate it.

Sometime later in my capacity of Director, Human Resource Sales, one of 12 titles I held over 20 years, I had a sales rep that, for some reason unknown to me, began giving off an unpleasant odor (phew, that was the nicest way to put it).  It may have been medical but seemed to be from their clothing and/or body.  I knew from the very training lessons we sell that I needed to address the situation.  Our training says to make it private and direct and don’t say “you smell” but rather say “at times you have an odor that is too noticeable.”  The same direction you might give to a server that wears too much cologne or perfume; problem Solved.

I’m sure there is a moral here somewhere.  Let’s go with “Be honest and direct” or “bathe regularly and wash your clothes. Your friends and workmates will appreciate it.”

This article from the AARP was directed at the senior citizens among us but contains a lesson for all ages.  You should be able to talk to your doctor about any condition that worries you such as the nine mentioned in the article: excessive sweating, body odor, bowel leakage (eww), erectile dysfunction (not me…), hemorrhoids, bad breath, bladder control problems, flatulence and toenail fungus.   I’ll cop to an occasional bout of black toe before I discovered the joy of going shoeless for most of the day, but that is the only one I can speak of from personal experience.  Yes, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

But if you do suffer from any of these please do tell your doctor; just don’t tell anyone else!

Qigong (chee-gong), a centuries-old Chinese tradition that involves precise movements to promote overall well-being is easily accessible and enjoyable for practitioners of all levels.  Pranayama, derived from Sanskrit meaning “breath,” focuses on harnessing the energy flow, known as prana, throughout the body to optimize health and vitality.

But before you choose consider this.  As you may have already discerned from past posts I am basically a non-confrontational milquetoast that rides the fence in most matters.  I believe there are positive and negative attributes in all of us and everyone is worthy of being heard (except, of course, in the case of bloody idiots who believe a lying, cheating sociopath deserves to be re-elected president).  But there are times when you must pick a side and own it.

For example, if you were a Kung Fu master who had sailed across the salt to America and landed in Chinatown, San Francisco circa 1870, you would have to make a choice to swear allegiance to either the Long Zii or the Hop Wei Tong.  Your initial choice, of course, would be the Long Zii because its leader, Mai Ling, is as smokin’ hot as a supermodel, while the Hop Wei’s leader is an evil one-eyed tyrant called Father Jun.  But delving further into what is truly important you would soon learn that Madam Ah Toy’s brothel is under the protection of  the Hop Wei.  And had you been paying attention to the Netflix parental warnings at the beginning of Warrior you would have seen violence, smoking, language and nudity!  The clear choice for optimal viewing is the Hop Wei! 

So I ask again you Grasshopper, after careful consideration, Qigong or Pranayama?

I love peaches so much it’s my pet name for Linda.  But I think I’d change the name of this cake like I did when I published the recipes for “Chocolate Pinch-A-Loaf,” “Date-Nut Droppings” and “Cut the Cheese Cake.”

If you don’t get the joke you are way too sophisticated to be reading my infantile posts!

Former adult film star (so I’m told…how would I know?) Stormy Daniels testified that when she had sex with Donald Trump he said she reminded him of his daughter (creepy) and he did not wear a condom!

Somehow I think I could have lived my entire life without knowing that.  I would be more interested if she’d reveal his exclamations during the moment of ecstatic release, (About 30 seconds after entry).  Was it “Yahoo” or “Hasta luego democracy, Hitler’s back?”

Probably more like “ugh” but the romantic in me hopes for more!

Kentucky has 7.5 million barrels of bourbon, about 1.75 barrels per person.  The state produces 95% of the world’s bourbon whiskey.

So if, like me, you wonder how a failed doctor psycho conspiracy theorist and a gutless curmudgeon displaying signs of dementia both became senators, perhaps granny passed out a few of the barrels at the polling place on election day.

Or perhaps that’s what happens when cousins marry?

Have you noticed most politicians and political organizations use fear to influence your vote.  They scare you and then say they are the antidote for whatever the Tragedy du Jour they are touting happens to be?  It’s convenient and effective because it diverts you from the realization they have no plan to fix the real challenges in our country.  Here are a few of the subject lines from recent emails:

• Bank Warning:  Stop using your bank account…
• Pentagon Warns of coming attack by Saudi Arabia
• China’s Sneak Attack on the U.S. Dollar
• Why Retirees Need to Fear This Law
• President Trump “Build a wall, deport them all” (Asshole…Editorial comment, not in email)
• WARNING: Lockdowns are coming!
• UNCOVERED: Chinese plot to destroy the U.S. Dollar (Talk about cutting off your nose. We owe them one trillion of those dollars)

Here are the headlines we should be reading:

• Congress presents bipartisan plan to alleviate hunger in America.
• Senators present joint resolution to assure affordable medical care is available to everyone.
• U.S. Breaks ground on cross-country high-speed rail line.
• {Random Digression: Pitch for a new game show in case any forward thinking television producers read my post: Celebrity Jennifer Bra and Panty Pillow Fight Starring Jennifers Aniston, Lawrence & Lopez}.
• Government funds educational program to read and explains the true meaning of the second amendment to intellectually-challenged gun-nuts who interpret it to mean they can do whatever the hell they want with guns.
• Congress re-affirms separation of church and state.

I get up every morning resolving to take Linda’s advice and “let it go!”  But I have thoughts…

I seem to be on a nostalgia tour of late.  I hope it’s not my life flashing before me…

In 1978 I was working as a sales rep for a trucking company, P.I.E. Pacific Inter-Mountain Express and had a client that shipped a product called “Hospital Booze.” They were I.V. bottles from which you could dispense liquor.  He sold them through Spencer’s Gifts in shopping malls around the country.  Spencer’s Gifts was known for a line of adult products as well.  He developed a board game where you draw cards and then have to do what the card said.  I was at his factory on business and he mentioned he was trying to think of a name for his new game. I suggested a title and after I signed documents guaranteeing I could never ask for another dime I was paid $100.00 for my idea.

So the next time you and your significant other are playing a hot round of “Hop, Skip and Hump,” be sure and think of me!

Living most of my life in Chicago and Los Angeles I have seen, talked to and met a lot of celebrities.  I’m sure you all are keenly interested in my life, so even at the risk of inflaming your jealousy I will share with you a few of the fascinating details, validating that your awe of me is well deserved!

• Ansel Adams:  Not again!  Already told you about him & me…he & I?  We?
• John Cleese: I worked for the company he started, Video Arts, and he was a keynote speaker at the Training 1999 conference in Chicago.  Got to hang out and talk with him for a few minutes.  Did you?
• Amor Towles:  Only met him through email but he graciously answered every time I wrote so I assume he thinks of me often.  If you haven’t read his novel “A Gentleman in Moscow” you are a big dumb head! (Excuse the salty language but you should read the book, it’s wonderful!).
• Leroy Neiman:  Signed my poster at a show in Seaport Village, San Diego, in 2001. He thought he knew me from Chicago and who am I to argue with Leroy?
• Stacy Keach:  Played volleyball with him on Santa Monica beach in the late 1960’s.  A chance meeting on the sand but, alas, he never called.
• Ray Bradbury:  Twice in the late 1960’s.  The first time was at a little theater on La Cienega Blvd. where he produced his plays “The Day it Rained Forever” and “A Device Out of Time.”  The second was on his lawn when I visited a neighbor photographer and he had no recollection of our first meeting. Hmm, curious.
• Steve Allen and Jayne Meadows:  They were in the audience at the Ray Bradbury Theater and I got their autographs and said “hi.”  I was so eloquent in high school.
• Johnny Unitas: Quarterback for the Baltimore Colts patted me on the head when speaking at my father’s B’nai Brith Men’s Club meeting in the late 1950’s.
• Paula Prentis and Richard Benjamin: Actors for you youngsters. I was behind them in line at Gelson’s Market in Century City in the 70’s.  Factoid: They have been married 62 years.
• Ann-Margret: Met her at Veteran’s Auditorium in Culver City in 1963 when she was filming “Viva Las Vegas” with Elvis.  The King was rumored to have been there but I didn’t see him. I was hanging around outside gawking when the director invited me in if I would sit down and shut up.  I sat down.
• George Clooney:  Having been mistaken for that dreamboat so many times I feel like we know each other.
• Marisa Tomei: Only in my dreams.

This all seemed so much more impressive in my head.  

For those of us that like to adorn our few remaining letters with a little panache; put some color and meaning into our choice of stamps, we have 5 new ones coming and celebrating people and things we hold dear.

• John Wooden:  UCLA legend and probably the most often quoted college basketball coach in history. “You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.”
• Dungeons and Dragons: How many nights sleep were lost by our nerd kids, (aka tech-geniuses that now run the world), playing this totally incomprehensible to us seniors game?
• Ansel Adams:  I may have mentioned once or a hundred times I spent an afternoon at his home in Carmel, CA, talking photography.  If you are one of the 3 people I missed telling feel free to write for details (but be careful what you wish for!).
• Carnival Nights: From roller coasters to hot dogs, carnivals were a staple of summertime fun for many Americans in the past.  These days you need a bundle of cash and a body guard.  Ten new stamps in a pane of 20 feature photographs capturing the energy and lights of a summer carnival at night.

All worthy subjects but they missed one that I have been trying to get honored for many years.  Those of you who agree with me, (and who doesn’t?) please join me in my letter writing campaign to finally get this person of color on a postage stamp.  He has the wisdom of King Solomon, the patience and perseverance of St. Monica and the self-discipline of Gandhi.  I hope someday my letters of complaint to McDonald’s regarding their  cruel inconsistency in the offering of the McRib sandwich will be embellished with a stamp of my personal hero, PAPA SMURF!  

I love Blue in both my states and my superheroes!