Archives for May 2024

Back in 1982 when Prince released “1999” partying like it’s 1999 meant to party hard as either the end of the world was coming or the new millennium was worth a massive celebration.  But now the AARP, the Guardian of the Elderly, is making it possible for us oldies but goodies to actually go back over 50 years and Party with Atari!”

All the old Atari games like, Pong (1972), Asteroids (1979), Missile Command (1980) and Centipede (1981) are available on their website.  No danger of seizures with Grand Theft Auto, no being frightened to death by Red Dead Redemption, no dangerously raising our libido with Leisure Suit Larry or staying awake past 9:00PM enthralled with League of Legends!

Yep, this Saturday you are all invited to wild night at our home.  We’ll start with dinner at 4:30PM.  Linda will make her special cream of wheat and maybe even add a touch of brown sugar.  Then a “no holds barred” round of Pong and other games until a hard stop at 7:30PM so you can get home before dark….WILD!

     It is called an aglet and sometimes spelled aiglet.  The word originates from the French word “aiguillette”, meaning “needle”.
     I tell you this to use up several thousand of your brain cells.  Hopefully this bit of trivia replaced the atrophying cells that make you think voting for a maniac to return to the presidency is a good idea.
     This is just one of many experiments I am undertaking in my attempt to return sanity to our country.

Don’t get excited.  I am not going to attack your religious fantasy about Heaven being a place of plenty where you can eat all the pie and ice cream you want and not gain weight, or my nightmare about hell, which to me is a giant 80″ OLED TV with no off switch that, for all eternity, broadcasts nothing but “The Bachelor” and “The Kardashians.”

I am referencing an article by Deepak Chopra on LinkedIn.  Deepak opens with “One of the main reasons that any religion or spiritual tradition exists is to reassure us about dying.”   He goes on to hypothesize if there is no discernable beginning how can there be an end?  He quotes the T.S. Eliot poem ‘East Coker”  “In my end is my beginning…”  This brings to mind another life altering event when a well-known movie star allegedly showed up in a hospital emergency room and said “In my end is a gerbil!”

Can we really answer this question?  “The nice thing about existence is that it can be relied upon even when you have no idea where it came from.”   “You are here and the New Age phrase, ‘Be here now’ isn’t a goal.  It just is.  You cannot help but be here now, since that’s the definition of existence.”

“Where do we go after we die? Nowhere in physical terms. We never leave home because there’s no alternative.  Non-existence is a fantasy born of fear.”

Obviously you and I need to discuss this in greater detail.  I can work you in for two one-hour sessions per week.  How about Tuesdays and Thursdays at 10:00AM?  Friends and Family Discount, $150 per hour.  I’ll send you my Venmo details.

Mystery Explained:  Last Week parts of North America were treated to a rare sight; Aurora Borealis, The Northern Lights.  This happens when a particularly large coronal mass ejection arrives in the Earth’s outer atmosphere, triggering a geomagnetic storm.  What we are seeing therefore are atoms and molecules in our atmosphere colliding with particles from the Sun. The aurora’s characteristic wavy patterns and ‘curtains’ of light are caused by the lines of force in the Earth’s magnetic field.

Mystery Remains:  On May 23, 2024 a new season of The Kardashians premiers on Netflix.  Who is watching this inane garbage?  Phony staged arguments, rampant ignorance, 3 inches of make-up and 7 big asses (and I’m not referring to their hind-quarters which may qualify none-the-less).

Someone please show them this post.  It is my hope they hire me as script supervisor to shut me up.  I could use a few bucks and right now the only two gigs open to me are “Walmart Greeter’ or operating a toaster oven to give out samples of Kirkland Wieners at Costco.

New Game: “Celebrity Challenge.”   And like our other games and challenges there is no cash or gift prize but I will offer a hearty hand clasp and a jovial “Well Done!” next time we meet.  Let’s see if you are keeping up with the world of entertainment!

Today’s Question:  Rumors are flying that Ben Affleck’s marriage to Jennifer Lopez is on the rocks.  Which of the following facts is the smoking gun foreshadowing their split? 

1. Jennifer’s gowns are exposing even more of her Greek Goddess-like rack than usual.
2. Jennifer finally saw Ben in “Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice” and completely dried up.
3. Ben realized dumping a beauty like Ana de Armas was a big mistake!
4. Ben called out Jennifer Garner’s name during sex.
5. Jennifer called out Diddy’s name during sex.
6. They simultaneously called out Matt Damon’s name during sex.

Breakups are sad, especially in the entertainment industry where relationships rarely fail.  At least if you break up with Taylor Swift you get a song written about you!

    Where is your compassion People?  Even though this man is a backward, weak, mentally challenged misogynist, he has managed to become one of the premier kickers in the NFL.
     That should count for something!

   Not for everyone, understanding these may require an advanced degree in a scientific or math discipline:

• Why are there no restrooms at airport stores?    Because they are doody-free shops!
• What marionette works as a Bathroom Greeter at Walmart?    Howdy Doody.
• What’s the most popular video game in bathrooms?   Call of Doody!
• Why is it unsafe to use the swimming pool as a toilet?  Because there are no lifeguards on doody!
• What do you call an employee that never leaves his desk?    Doody-full.

Is this what Freud meant by “anal retentive?”   No one really gives a s**t!

P.S. What is the official Drink of restrooms?  Coca-Colon! 
(I should have quit while I was behind!)

Having worked for twenty years as a dock foreman and manager of a small delivery and a large union trucking company I am no stranger to the generous use of profanity.  Those were the days when an “F” word was spelled out and enunciated in full; the days before political correctness ruled the land.

But the word spelled out is now F***,   %$*&, or F**k if you are really bold.  It is also spoken as frigging. fricken’ or just plain F as in WTF.

Thankfully there are still books in states where censorship does not thrive and cable and streaming stations where actual, real-life scenarios are depicted.  Although it has been over 30 years since I set foot on a loading dock I can’t imagine its language has changed.  But HR Departments have stepped up their game so perhaps a modern day dock foreman may sound more like this:

“You effing’ lazy mother-fathers better get off your blankety-blank you-know-whats before I perform a rectal insertion of my lower appendage!”

Cut off your head! Hahahahahahahaha! (LOL to the 10 people under 50 years old that still look at Facebook).

That’s an old schoolyard joke from when I was a kid many, many, many, many years ago, (was that enough manys?).   But there is a teachable moment here regarding the difference between losing weight and losing fat.  If you focus on just weight loss you might reduce by losing lean muscle. Lisa Young Ph.D. says in her book Finally Full, Finally Slim “A reduction in body fat helps improve body composition, reduce the risk of chronic diseases, and improves heart health.”

So the question is how do you lose fat and retain muscle?  If anyone has that answer please IM me.  Additionally I’d like to do it without dietary restrictions and exhausting exercise.  “A goal without a plan is just a dream!”

That’s how desperate People Magazine is for a headline.  It said Jessica soaked in the salt for 30 minutes before slipping into her pink Tamara Ralph Couture watermelon silk faille gown and cape embellished with striped coqui feathers and crystals.  The article also noted that she is 42 years old as we readers are such voyeurs we always need to know the ages of the celebrities we mock.  It never did say why she did it but a Google search said an Epsom salt a powerful muscle relaxant.

All I know is that if she and Justin are truly on the rocks after Britany Spears skewered him in her memoir The Woman in Me, and I somehow ended up alone in a room with Jessica Biel, she would be out of luck.  Since my heart problem I am on a salt-free diet!

(P.S. It’s MOTHER’S DAY! Have you called or visited Mom yet?)