Archives for May 2024

Script Treatment for Episode #157 of The Twilight Zone

[Voice over:   “You are about to enter another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.”

[Prologue: Host Rod Serling enters through the haze of smoke into a political rally with about 20 people in attendance, (it will be wildly exaggerated by the speaker as 20,000 later).  At the podium is an aging and haggard candidate railing against his nation’s voting, legal and fast food delivery systems.  The host speaks:]

Serling:  “Presented for your inspection, one Tronald Dump, former leader of this unnamed but eerily familiar nation.  Although he is a convicted felon, openly hates any opposition, told more than 30,000 lies while in office, misappropriated funds from a charity he supported, was fined $25 million and forced to close his useless university, made up a story about phony elections undermining the system he swore to protect because he’s a sore loser, was convicted in a system he wanted to use against others, but now is lying about the proceedings and what was said by the judge; show all signs of being a narcissistic sociopath, it would appear he has a slim chance of winning the election..  How is this possible?

[Dump heard in the background “I’m the bigly smart, no one’s as smart as me, only I can save the country, forget about the lies and bankruptcies because the people I stole from loved it, they said so, especially the women when I grabbed them by the…”]

[Voice Over:
“You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension, a dimension of sound, sight, and mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas, a  dimension where mindless drones support a sub-human sleaze.  However freaking unbelievable,  we just crossed over into The Twilight Zone.”

One of the Four Immeasurables I want to live by.  But…”Guilty.”
Taking pleasure in another’s misery only perpetuates suffering,  But…”Guilty on all counts.”
Don’t let the smile on my face fool you.  I am suffering.  In the words of John Mellencamp, “It hurts so good!”

On June 3, Jupiter, Mercury, Uranus, Mars, Neptune, and Saturn (in that order) will line up in the sky.  An alignment of three or four planets is “fairly common,” but six planets is rare.

So take your telescope outside and be ready to view his wonder from earth.  And for those ordinary, garden variety “Peeping Tom” perverts that have no interest in astronomy but enjoy watching the neighbors when they forget to close the curtains, this alignment, should you be caught peeping, will prove to be a plausible excuse for being on the street with high-powered binoculars.

The Universe provides!

AARP Health suggests some strange methods to possibly minimize the ringing in your ears.  The bizarrely suggest eating a Mediterranean diet, reducing stress, sound therapy, a hearing aid, cognitive therapy, limiting alcohol and nicotine; all have nearly zero chance of success.  I’ll share with you some actions that will work!

1. Put your phone on silent.
2. Avoid churches on Sunday.
3. Stay out of stores that have beams that chime when you enter.
4. Announce mealtime with a gong rather than a bell.
5. Replace your doorbell with a foghorn.
6. Get a sawed off shotgun and blow your neighbors super annoying wind chimes to hell.  (This one requires adult supervision).
7. Wear noise-cancelling headphones and a tee-shirt with a middle finger salute announcing you have no interest in what anyone has to say. (Useful in many other situations as well!)).
8. Be glad you are only dealing with ringing and not a burning rash on your privates. Suck it up and quit complaining.

I hope you accept these suggestions in the spirit they are given!

From 1997 when he was elected as Mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska, by an overwhelming write-in vote, Stubbs held the office without challenge.  From all accounts he was warm and loving and brought the town together in a way that seems impossible with today’s climate of hate and whiney little bitch candidates from whom we are forced to choose.

Unfortunately Stubbs, a cat by birth, died in 2007 after 20 years in office.  But there must be a feline somewhere willing to take on the job and bring some humanity back to the office, because a textbook narcissistic sociopath with a bad comb-over and that other old dude are polarizing and give me little hope for the future. 

In the words of the great American philosopher and poet Ed Grimley, “We’re doomed as doomed can be don’t you know?  I’ve gone completely mental! 
Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.””

And stupid people clearly identify themselves by:

• Wearing a bright red cap that says MAGA.
• Buying a bobblehead from Tradingthoughtstoday.com  which said: “We have some exciting news to share with you…thousands of patriots across America are now proudly displaying their Trumpinator Bobbleheads in their homes.”
• Not subscribing to my “FansOnly” page!  (Just checking to see if you’re paying attention).

Don’t be stupid!

Last time you were in Florence, Italy, and stood gazing at Michelangelo’s masterpiece, I’m sure the question that everyone has asked came to mind: why was he depicted with such a small penis?  One statue might just have been anatomically correct.  But, in fact, it was the same with many of the ancient statues.  In my quest to answer all of the mysteries of the Universe I researched the subject and found some interesting facts.

Around 2,400 years ago, the comedy poet Aristophanes recorded what the ideal male body should look like: “A gleaming chest, bright skin, broad shoulders, tiny tongue, strong buttocks and a little prick.”  “The Romans adopted this idea and not only them — Renaissance artists such as Michelangelo or Raphael were enthusiastic about the perfectly modeled masterpieces of antiquity and based their work on them.”  Mystery solved but it led me to another topic of interest we all share.

I am currently researching an article to find out what Mrs. Michelangelo or Mrs. Rafael had to say on the subject of the male anatomy.  I’m guessing if they were artists their statues and paintings would have been quite a bit different!

     This article from Microsoft Start holds a lot of promise but, as you can imagine, immediately slides into the pit of hell with the first food listed; kale.  And not even dishes like Kale a l’ Orange, Bone-in Kale Ribeye or Kale Wellington.  Just steamed kale.  The nauseating list goes on with broccoli, cucumber, then showed a little promise with blueberries and popcorn until you find you can’t add pancakes to your berries and eat only plain air-popped corn with no toppings.  It then continues your trip into the abyss with such delicacies as cherry tomatoes, brussels sprouts, celery and carrots.
     I’m beginning to think the only way to lose weight is to eat less calories and exercise more.
      Bummer!

Venus Williams and eight other female athletes (no need to identify them because you probably will not know their names) will have Barbie Dolls made in their likenesses as Mattel looks to celebrate women’s sports ahead of the Paris Olympics.

In keeping with Mattel’s policy to combine reality with unrealistic expectations, the doll is ultra-skinny and little girls will be encouraged, when role-playing agent, to accept contracts at 70% of what they negotiate for Ken.

OK, that’s enough.  I’m cancelling myself!

    The Pennsylvania Dutch community of Kutztown, PA, has so many delightful sights and sounds but they all play second fiddle to the town’s real claim to fame, The Kutztown Folk Festival, this year taking place from June 19th to July 7, 2024.

• The Kutztown Folk Festival is the oldest continuously operated folklife festival in America. This nine-day event draws visitors from all over the world
• The Festival features traditional American artisans with over 2,500 locally handmade Dutch quilts on display and for sale; 
• Authentic folklife demonstrations and six stages of entertainment (yawn).
• Authentic Pennsylvania Dutch food including Gobblegooken, Tubafatglobben and everyone’s favorite candied lederhosen (I’m working from memory here).

I received a letter today from Kutztown but it was not the invitation to the festival I had hoped.  As it turns out Kutztown has a second claim to fame.  It is the headquarters of the Cremation Information Center operated by “Neptune Cremation Service, Today’s Sensible Choice”

So before you get excited about a letter from P.O. Box 827, Kutztown, PA, thinking you are getting a trip to the Folk Festival, take a moment and be sure to read the fine print before you sign anything!