Archives for April 2024

Sure, we all know the word is closely related to a criminally indicted low-life narcissistic sociopath who stole from his own charity, dodged the draft and seems to be incapable of telling the truth, especially when he fabricates his past accomplishments.  But there is more to the word than that.  So before you try to eradicate it from the English language, think of the many important images the descriptive word contributes to our quest for clear communication.
For example:

• Six no-trump…Double…Pass…Pass!
• The festering, puss-filled trump on my elbow causes a great deal of pain.
• Ooh my stomach!  Must’ve  eaten some bad clams.  Out of my way, have to go take a trump!
• The retired veteran got trumped; lost everything he had to scam artists.
• She is a racist, hate-monger with no empathy for another human being. She’s a trump; a sleaze three times worse than a Karen.  
• He must be the dumbest person on earth, a real trump.

Catch my drift?

In his epic experiment George Costanza, assisted by Elaine Benes and Jerome Seinfeld, proved this point.  While the three friends were having lunch at the diner Elaine noticed a beautiful woman at the counter glance at George.  George normally would not have the guts to do anything about it so he was goaded into trying the opposite.  He approached her and introduced himself adding the facts that he was unemployed and living with his parents.   She replied in the sultriest of come-hither voices, “I’m Victoria, hi.”

Emboldened by George’s success, I tried the exact same lines approaching a woman at a local diner.  Although I received a positive response, it turned out badly.  I perhaps made an error in judgement by approaching the lady while out to lunch with Linda. She refused to accept the excuse that when an opportunity to advance science presents itself, one must act immediately.

Much like tortured artists, we scientists suffer for our craft!

Everyone loves a good riddle so why not come to BetterFredThanDead for the best?  And while currently there is only one question here and no prizes if you figure it out, you will have the satisfaction of a job well done and I will give you a hearty hand-clasp next time I see you!

Riddle #1: What Christmas Song is depicted below:

The finest apples in Apple Land make Mott’s Apple Sauce taste grand! & LIBERTY
The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup! & CHURCH
Bring out the Best Foods and bring out the best!  & SILVER 
My Baloney has a first name it’s O-S-C-A-R &  ____OF ST. MARY’S

The answer is___________?  Too Easy?

“Jingle Bells”  Get it?   No?  A jingle + Bells.  Still nothing?  Really, you didn’t laugh?  Or perhaps you are a “Karate Laugher?”   You laugh on the inside and don’t show your weakness.  Everybody’s a critic.  Listen up Ebert Jr.  This site is free.  You want A-list comedy, buy a ticket to Chappelle or Gaffigan and move along!

Linda and I went out for breakfast at IHOP last week.  We knew the food would be mediocre, the sign in front said so; it said “IHOP.”  (Thanks Bill Maher).  But what we weren’t prepared for was the bill.  Linda ordered off the Senior Menu, smaller portions but supposedly discount prices.  I had a regular breakfast combo, she had coffee and I drank only water.  So for one cup of weak coffee, ok pancakes and cold toast the check came to $40.00 including tip.  For that price I would have expected a much better breakfast followed by a happy ending.

I guess I am happy at the thought of never having to go into an IHOP again.  Unless, of course, you’re buying.

    The most controllable factor in the fight against cognitive decline is a healthy lifestyle.  Top brain health tips include boosting your intake of “neuroprotective” foods, like leafy greens, vegetables, berries, nuts, fish and seafood, and high quality olive oil.  Additionally regular cardio exercise such as walking, running or cycling is an important positive contributor to cognitive health.

The easiest method for non-medical professionals to spot someone in severe cognitive decline is by their headwear.  No clear-thinking human would don this cap.
 
Yes, the more astute of you might have noticed this is thematically similar to my post of April 18th.  It is my way of dealing with my inability to comprehend why anyone would consider that walking personification of explosive diarrhea a good choice for U.S. President.

In 2017, 117 years after his death, Oscar Wilde, the brilliant Irish poet, novelist and playwright was pardoned by Queen Elizabeth II along with 75,000 other homosexual men that had been convicted of Gross Indecency, a long abandon hate law from a dark time in history.  A teachable moment for the world; Too bad many of the countries on our planet did not listen.

But at least in our country sexual orientation is no longer a crime or reason for discrimination, (You could argue against Florida and Texas).  Our nation is all about love and acceptance, being kind to everyone regardless of their politics, religion or financial status!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!  I almost got that out with a straight face!
(Translation for millennials forward): LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

There is still time for North Somerset residents to have their say on waste and car parking.  North Somerset Council urges residents, businesses, and community organisations to take part in two consultations which includes resizing black bin collections, and modifying parking charges.  If you are one of the thousands of Weston-super-Mare, England, residents that regularly reads The Daily Inflammation you have until Tuesday, May 7, to attend a session.

As a concerned citizen of the world I print this urgent notice as a public service to my many fans in the U.K.  Please note the following:

• The estimation of the number of readers in Weston-super-Mare may be slightly overstated.
• I only seek to do good. Your praise and hero worship is not required but appreciated.
• Did you notice the cool English way I misspelled organiZation?  Brilliant!

Cheers Mates!

Dear Inexplicable Success Story aka Kim Kardashian:
       While we understand you and your family will do anything for money including your mother, in essence, pimping you out by releasing a sex tape, but this one has gone too far.  We don’t care that you make up little bits of crap about yourself you think makes you quirky like reviling the sound of cardboard, warming your zipper and washing your feet every night, presumably to keep the vile odor in check.  You have more money than you can spend in 10 lifetimes so it’s time to do the right thing; apologize to Taylor Swift.  I have no idea what the feud is about but I know you are wrong and TayTay is an Angel.  In the end you will lose so get out in front of it and beg forgiveness.

I offer you this advice freely and with no expectation of compensation but if you would like to show your gratitude with a moderate, six-figure I would not insult you by turning it down.

Hey, if you throw enough spaghetti on the wall a piece is bound to stick!

Don’t believe everything you read.  An article in a well-established health magazine said you should eat about one gram of protein per day for each pound you weigh or one gram for each pound of your desired weight.  I was 176 lbs. when I met Linda in 1974.  I know I will never get that thin again but I think 185 (or 240) might be a more realistic goal.  So I have been eating 185 grams of protein a day for 3 months and since that’s not near enough food I, of course, supplement it with fat and carbs.  I don’t know why but I have not built any muscle mass and have actually gained weight.

I think an indignant letter to the editor of the magazine is on its way!

This famous quote, in one form or another, has been attributed to many people including Confucius, Marc Anthony, Ray Bradbury and Mark Twain.  I believe it is our duty to let people know that life can be even more wonderful if you do something you love.  We all know the 45th President of the United States is totally unfit to hold office again so here are a few suggestions for dream jobs for which he can happily qualify:

• Inveterate Narcissistic Liar
• Female Genital Grabber
• Bankruptcy Coach
• Bone Spur Imagineer 
• Charity Looter
• Sociopathic Root Vegetable

Follow you dream to total fulfillment!