Archives for March 2024

A very old joke but it contains a lesson for today.

Cruel Man:  “The Whip!
Fair Damsel in Distress:  “No, Not the Whip!”
Cruel Man:  “The Whip!
Fair Damsel in Distress:  “No, Not the Whip!”
Cruel Man:  “The Whip!”
Fair Damsel in Distress:  “No, Not the Whip. Anything but the whip!”
Cruel Man:  “ANYTHING?”
Fair Damsel in Distress:  “…The Whip.”

No matter how awful your situations it can always be much, much worse.

“Biden”
“No, Not Biden, Anyone but Biden!”
“Trump?”
“…Biden!”

In The Book of Genesis, the explanation for the creation of life is easy to understand; written for us simpletons.

In biology sayeth Wikipedia, “abiogenesis is the natural process by which life has arisen from non-living matter such as simple organic compounds.  The prevailing scientific hypothesis is that the transition from non-living to living entities on Earth was not a single event, but a process of increasing complexity involving the formation of a habitable planet, the prebiotic synthesis of organic molecules, molecular self-replication, self-assembly, autocatalysis, and the emergence of cell membranes.

Let’s go with the first one.  We have a much better chance of remembering it if there is a pop-quiz. 

A new study out of Canada’s York University published in the Journal of Happiness Studies, confirms how you view yourself has a major impact on your happiness.  From my quick scan of the article, all evidence points to Self-Love as the key to happiness.  This is important information as many in my generation were taught that self-love stunted one’s growth.  I know that was not true as I grew to be the tallest in my family, reaching 6’3 1/2” and boy did I love myself.

So go ahead and work your magic.  “Don’t worry.  Be happy!”

Afterword:  I am told that I may have misinterpreted the connotation of “self-love.” but I stand behind my original thought.  And for those that know me and are snickering at my claim to be over 6 feet tall, I admit I am shrinking at an alarming rate.  If I live as long as I hope I will probably bottom out at about 5″1″.

International Women’s Day is a celebration where we can all show our appreciation and love to all the incredible women of the world for their strength, resilience and grace!  In our home every day is International Linda’s Day where I try and show my love and gratitude for the Angel that is perfect in every way except, perhaps, for her preference in men.

I am a lucky dude!

Spring is almost upon us.  A perfect time for me to indulge in my passion of Nephelococcygia.  No, I am not enamored with the recently deceased but rather engaged in the practice of finding shapes in clouds.  It is both relaxing and exhilarating; a paradox worthy of Erwin Schrödinger.

Where others see a puffy wad of cotton I see Rodin’s “The Thinker.”
Where others see an impending rainstorm I see ethereal landscape of unimaginable beauty.
Where an oblivious soul doesn’t look up or take the time to stop and smell the roses, I see…roses.
“Bows and flows of angel hair, ice cream castles in the air and feather canyons everywhere.  I’ve looked at clouds that way.”

Oops, sorry.  Channeled Joni Mitchell for a minute; the memory taking me back to 1969 when we had a very short “thing.”  And although I love the song, I think she reached her creative pinnacle in ’71 with the Blue Album.  I wonder if our brief fantasy encounter inspired that work of beauty?  

I think we all know the answer to that one!

       I have committed to living my remaining years guided by the principles of The Four Immeasurables: one of which is remembering that any suffering in the world is also your suffering.  I must shamefully admit I am not perfect and occasionally revel in Schadenfreude; the experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, pain, or humiliation of another.  Case in point:
       While driving north on Interstate 5 toward downtown Portland, I was cut off by a reckless driver weaving through traffic at a high rate of speed.  I lamented the fact that there was no Highway Patrolman to view the incident and write the numbskull an expensive ticket!  I was filled with unexpected joy when down the road I saw the reckless offender pulled over receiving a citation by a conscientious police officer.  My schadenfreude skyrocketed at the thought of him going without food and clothing to pay the huge fine.  I positively glowed with satisfaction!
       But alas, I soon woke up and realized I was only dreaming.  It is a good thing I woke up as I almost missed my exit and had to quickly cut across 4 lanes of traffic to squeak by in front of a school bus.  The idiot bus driver was barely able to brake in time to avoid hitting me.  The jerk must have been distracted.  I wonder how some people get their driver license!

Oh well.  Maybe next time I’ll get the justice I deserve!

Look at all we have learned and the highfalutin words and phrases we all use; words we’ve learned simply by watching inane T.V. programs:

• Anal Retentive:  Ever since world renowned psychologist Dr. Frasier Crane entered Sam Malone’s bar before spinning-off on his own we all began using the term.  But who doesn’t react to conflict by vigorously dusting the furniture or waxing the car…again?
• OCD:  A real thing that we non-professionals now use to classify any seemingly repetitive behavior.  Yes, I must knock three times and wash my hands incessantly and finish every sentence even when it is not necessary.  That is just proper etiquette and good hygiene.
• Schrödinger’s Cat: An illustration of a paradox taught to us by the Leonard Hofstetter and Sheldon Cooper, nerdy geniuses from The Big Bang Theory.  If you put a cat in a box with something that can kill it, until you open the box the cat is both alive and dead, an impossibility, thus the paradox.  I got news for Dr. Schrödinger, his cat is dead. No paradox.
• On the Spectrum:  Asperger’s, Autism, Developmentally Challenged.  There are multiple shows but I’ll tag “The Good Doctor” for one example. While understanding and accepting other’s struggles is a positive step in our quest to become actual caring human beings, it has also become a new standard for judging others.  “He must be on the spectrum” when actually he is simply a self-absorbed jerk.

This one is more of a pronunciation concern but still has its origins in Television:

• Homage:  We used to pay Homage to someone (sounded out with a hard H). We are now apparently all of European descent, (not all of us, only those who identify as pompous twits) using the French pronunciation when saying the word; drawing it out, loving the sound of their own dulcet tones, “Ohmagggge!”

We live in a time where pomposity abounds and ignorant imbeciles are celebrated for their…who knows what?  Present company excepted, of course!

According to the Better Report, “A dog’s sense of smell is about 100,000 times more sensitive than a human’s, which means they predominantly learn about the world through their noses. Dogs can learn all they need about another dog by sniffing their rear end, where scents are most concentrated. Every dog’s odor is unique. A quick sniff helps them determine whether they’ve met before, along with the other dog’s gender, reproductive status, temperament, health status, and diet.”\

Studies show the information gathering via the nose/butt connection may be just as strong in humans.  You can help by trying this with a complete stranger and report back to me with the results.  I will gather the information and report the results to the scientific community; that is, after I have a good laugh, violate your confidentiality and subject you to biting ridicule.  Hopefully you will learn a lesson and never sniff in public again.

You’re welcome.

It had been three days since Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift were in the news.  I know their love affair has gone on for months, an eternity in the entertainment industry, but I thought they had a chance. Then…Crickets!

But today I see a headline: “Travis Kelce Wears Taylor Swift Friendship Bracelet at Jason Kelce’s Retirement Announcement.”  That is good news but what’s up with wearing her “friendship bracelet?”  Friendship bracelet?  Does that means they are just friends?  They’re like best buds, so Jason isn’t doing her?

Kids today. I’m so confused!

Linda and I are up by 5:30AM every morning, a habit developed when I worked for Coastal Training.  The office was 3 hours ahead of me in Virginia.  I was a West Coaster operating on Eastern time.  We are not ready for breakfast until much later so we sit by the fire and have coffee for about an hour every morning.  A great many critical decisions are made during that time; what we are going to eat all day and do we have to venture out amongst the unruly masses or stay happily dormant in our nest?  And me, just like all humans, have my “Smart” phone with me.

The phone was, I assumed, sleeping as usual, the screen was dark.  I was railing against my fellow democrats for always trying to claim the high moral ground by not taking corporate money and telling the truth; a seemingly losing strategy.  Meanwhile the opposition takes every dime from anyone and lies about everything; elections, their accomplishments, even the weather if it suits their needs.  And this strategy has allowed them to worship and adore the most morally bankrupt individual on the planet.  Their strategy seems to be working.

I asked Linda the rhetorical question “How many times are they {Democrats} going to shoot themselves in the foot?” to which Siri came alive on her own and answered “here are articles on shooting yourself in the foot.”  On my screen were articles from Wikipedia and Reddit about the exact topic.  So, she listens even when dormant?   Has the Orwellian future arrived?  Is it time for us to be fitted for an aluminum foil cap to block Big Brother from reading our brainwaves!

And while we are discussing the sometimes useful but always annoying Siri, she has a new habit to drive me up the wall.  She says “Unhuh” every time right in the middle of your question. I googled for help but did not get a workable answer.  I know I have the option of turning her off.  But I consider myself “Woke” and want to be respectful to all women at all times; even though we all know that bitches be crazy!  Am I right? (Tap Knuckles!)