Archives for March 2024

Back in the early 1980s the rag gossip sheets like The Enquirer were alleged to have bid thousands of dollars for a photograph purported to be a distant shot of Diana, Princess of Wales, topless.  The shot was so unclear there was no verification it was even her (so I am told. Of course I wouldn’t even entertain looking at such a violation of a person’s privacy…let’s move on).

Fast forward to 2024 and the current member of The Royal Family, Catherine, Princess of Wales (Known as Kate Middleton to us commoners).  She was also involved in a security breach at the hospital where she underwent some unspecified abdominal surgery.  But it was not a racy picture of Kate in her hospital gown but an attempt to access her medical records.  Can you imagine how much the scum-sucking vampires at TMZ or the slime-covered reptilian douche bags at The Globe would pay to break the news of her mystery illness?  So here is my second request for the world to wish her well, hope for the best and MOVE ON!

And who needs telescopic boobie shots of celebrities anymore?  If that’s your thing just watch the movies “Poor Things” and “No Hard Feelings” and you will see all you want of Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence…or so I’ve heard…

For those of you suffering a shortage of storage space based on your purchase of several hundred rolls of toilet paper during the pandemic lockdown comes an innovative new use for the product.

A website advertising itself as your guide to a better future suggest putting a roll in your refrigerator.  Moisture inside the fridge is the key offender in creating bad odors and a roll of paper will absorb it.  Sure a $1.00 box of baking soda does the same thing but what fun is that?  The look of disgust on the face of an unsuspecting guest after you sent them to the ice box (we ancients used to call it that), makes it a fun time for all.

It makes you wonder, are there other uses for the refrigerator as well?  Perhaps a third bathroom?
I consider myself an “Idea Man!”

If we would just listen to Oprah the world would be a better place.

In her recent prime time special on weight loss and the pain of being overweight, Oprah said she hopes “we can start releasing the stigma, the shame and the judgement – to stop shaming people for being overweight or how they choose to lose or not to lose weight.”

A beautiful thought Oprah but perhaps a bit unrealistic given the current avalanche of hate and fear we are experiencing in the world today.  While I would be the first to sign on to your hope, (Oprah for President any day over what we are being offered as choices), I think your billions would be better spent on developing a pill that, when taken daily with a daily regimen of flossing and regular professional care, would result in a toned and fit body without restricting caloric intake or requiring physical exertion other than occasional trip from the couch to the kitchen.

I have a dream too!

I don’t make this stuff up.  Well, this one I didn’t!

A Colorado grocery store worker has been charged with several counts of indecent exposure after police allege he masturbated on food items.  Following his arrest in February, police say further investigation revealed that the offender worked at a Safeway grocery store and allegedly ejaculated onto food items during the two months he worked at the store.

Safeway, in an attempt to mitigate the damaging press reports tried to put a positive spin on the situation with some creative advertising.  Their ad included the following offers:

• An extra shot of all-natural protein in our smoothies!
• Twofer on “Different Strokes” Bamboo Shoots.
• BOGO Ladies Day on cucumbers, bananas and Polish sausage.
• Fingerling potatoes, 2 lbs. for a dollar.
• Introducing “Happy Ending” Cream Pies from our bakery!
• “Get Your Nut Here!” special: 1/2 price peanuts, walnuts and Macadamia nuts.

“Just do it!”
(Okay, some of that might have been made up)

      Ireland’s population is just over 5 million.  The United States population is over 334 million yet 10%, about 32 million, claim Irish heritage.  That is a great deal of descendants.
     It tells me drinking is not the only thing at which the Irish excel!

On January 16th of this year Kate Middleton, Her Royal Highness, the Princess of Wales, the Duchess of Cambridge and whatever else, underwent abdominal surgery.  For the last 2 months there has been an incessant spate of news releases about her condition, all proclaiming they will not tell us why?  I would like to put The Palaces Yarn Spinners minds at ease. No one really cares?

Another famous Englishman once said, “Methinks thou dost protest too much!”  Just let it go. TMI!   Yes, we know, she’s a saint.  Speedy recovery to the future Queen, but all this attention.  Who does she think she is, a Kardashian?

She wishes!

The above title is an essay by Monique M. Verrier published in Religions,
September 5, 2021.  It is available for download on sciprofiles.com website. The article was recommended to me by a friend who holds a PhD in Clinical Psychology during a discussion of addiction, healing, existential psychology and Internal Family Systems, a topic all to itself.

I guess in the rare moment I spoke, I said something during the mostly one-sided conversation that led him to believe I would be smart enough to understand a single word of the article.  I soon proved him wrong.  The first paragraph titled Abstract is best described as the Jackson Pollock of essays; a jumble of lines we are told is great art but who the hell knows?

I did understand the following paragraph heading; 1. Introduction. But in just a few words I was again lost, drowning in a sea of word soup, all meaning lost.  The last time I remember being this confused was when I read Beyond the Legend; One Man’s Search for the Clitoris, another nonsensical work.

So if there is an Einstein in the group that chooses to read this essay, I’d appreciate it if you’d send me the Cliff Notes version and in 50 words or less give me a few talking points so I can impress my friend with my intellectual depth.  

While we are on the subject…
     You can buy a pair pf reading glasses, you know, the cheap magnifiers that you lose all the time, for $1.50 at the dollar store or $14.99 at CVS Pharmacy.  Common sense would tell you to buy them at the dollar store.  But there is the possibility the cheap ones were made by an eight year old child in Hangzhou and who knows, maybe the CVS pair came from the same place; the giant corporations shamelessly extracting exorbitant profits from an uneducated consumer pool.

    It’s times like this I ask myself “What would Kim Kardashian do?”  

It is no secret that 99% of the products offered at many of these cheap retail outlets are pure crap.  Sure you can get low cost kitchen utensils but do they last past first use?   Still there are a few hidden bargains and with high inflation and uncertainty in the world, I’d like to help you navigate the disheveled, disease-ridden aisles of your local discount retailer.  Following are a few suggestions.
     DO BUY;                                                                          DO NOT BUY
Party Supplies & Balloons                                        Pacemakers
Office Supplies                                                               Life Insurance
Travel Size Toiletries                                                    Do-It-Yourself Liposuction Kits
Greeting Cards                                                              Viagra from Lenny on Register 3

I don’t do this for the accolades.  Just knowing how grateful you are is enough for me!

I am tearing down the opaque curtain and letting the sun shine on little known legitimate tax deductions; the reason  men like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk are able to circumvent their tax obligations legally:  Prepare to be amazed: 

• Whaling Boat Repairs:  You can deduct up to $10,000 per year on repairs.  I know whaling is banned but some Indigenous Tribes are allowed and with names like Bezos and Musk they very well might qualify!
• Clarinet Lessons: The lessons can help correct overbite. The IRS allows blowing in a clarinet for medical reasons.  Musk spends so much time blowing himself I thought this might help even more. 
• Body Oil: It takes a lot of oil to make a pro bodybuilder shine so, in their case it is deductible.  Both spend hours every day flexing so I’m sure the IRS allows it.

Life is simple.  Mind Blown!

[Source Article: Bone Spurs, Medical Deductions and Draft Dodging Deferments for the Wealthy]