Archives for March 2024

In the spirit of a day of Peace and Love may we ask all politicians; democrats, republicans, independents, green party, libertarians, constitution party, natural law party, tinfoil beanie wearing party, free-the nipple party, whigs, tories and vegans for pork, to please honor the day by refraining from spewing hate and asking for money.  I know, it’s the last day of the month and the last day of quintuple match from a mystery donor but there will be other days and other lies for you to tell.  

Just please S.T.F.U. for 1 day.

This moment of tranquility brought to you by Easter: it’s more than just colored eggs!

This article sent from MyHomeWeekly to my extremely busy inbox. As I am wont to do, I have a few cogent comments to help you save money.  It might provide an extra $2 allowing you to purchase that winning lottery ticket you know is in your future!

1. Leverage Natural Light:  Use the light from the windows?  Enlightening tip.  Nothing short of brilliant!
2. Seal Leaks and Drafts: What is a “seal leaks, and how do you stop them?”  I am always up for a draft, especially Bud Light!
3. Upgrade to LED Bulbs:  I don’t know what those are.
4. Smart Thermostat Installation:  Think about freeing up the hours you spend adjusting the thermostat.  You can take an extra shift at the car wash!
5. Maintain Your HVAC System:  Maintain your equipment; revolutionary idea!
6. Utilize Energy Efficient Appliances:  After the cost of purchasing them is amortized, you should see some savings in about 30 years!
7. Adjust Water Heating:  Showering in cold water is considered life affirming and healthy by many people from Lapland!
8. Invest in Insulation:  I hear you can get some great deals on asbestos!
9. Practice efficient cooking and laundry:  This is particularly effective if you have some dirt on your neighbor and can cook and do laundry at their house.
10. Mind Your Electronics:  Disobeying your electronics, or your wife, can be very costly, indeed!

I am here to help!

“If you’re looking to move to an up-and-coming hub, but still want the quaintness of a small city, we’ve got just the list for you.”  MoneyGeek analyzed the economic growth and prosperity markers of 211 U.S. cities with populations of 63,000-100,000.  The personal finance site recently revealed its findings, sharing a list of 25 “rising hotspots” dominated by cities in Florida and Texas. North Port, Florida, took the top spot, with increases of 28% for population, 43% for housing units, and 46% for median household income since 2017. 

This presents a rare opportunity for America to unload its dead weight at the top of the market.  We attach Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama and sell the package to Mexico at a fair price, $100.00.  Talk about making America great again!

I have a lot to say on the subject of being afraid.  We are a world of fraidy-cats!  I am going to post a few things on this subject so that you may learn, Grasshoppers!

First, a few odd ones:

• Arachibutyrophobia – Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. That’s nutty!
• Nomophobia – Fear of being without your mobile phone.  Suffered by 99% of cellphone owners.
• Xanthophobia – Fear of the color yellow.  Can you imagine being stuck in a dark room with a banana?
• Scumbagaphobia – Fear of people realizing you are a sociopathic megalomaniac with a bad comb-over, totally undeserving of a second term!
• Dumbassaphobia – Believing any of the 30,000+ documented lies told by a sufferer of Scumbagaphobia.
• Ablutophobia – Fear of bathing.  It is possible not to know you have this and then only your co-workers suffer.
• Inflammophobia – Fear of not posting a daily insipid rant and actually spend your time accomplishing something of value.

…to name a few.

This is the message I received today telling me my Amazon account is suspended and I need to login to the link they sent to re-activate access.  Another spammer trying to steal and create havoc.  Whenever something good comes along some vile smelling, black-hearted, festering scumbag ruins it.  I am out of original thoughts to express my outrage so I’ll borrow the words of Monty Python, elegantly stated in their quest for the Holy Grail, to express my displeasure with criminal spammers:

“Mind your own business you don’t frighten us you silly pig-dogs.  Go and spoil your bottom, silly persons.  I blow my nose at you.  I don’t wanna talk to you no more you empty headed animal foot trough water!  I’ll fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberry!”

Let’s harken back to time when there still was a modicum of sanity in the world.  There was 58,000 new cases of polio in 1952, an epidemic year.   After announced in 1953 people willingly were vaccinated and soon the virus was nearly eradicated.  And drug company’s policy of price-gouging to satisfy greedy shareholders had not yet become de rigueur.

Fast forward to today, when a growing number of conspiracy theorists have determined that vaccines are a sinister plot by leftist radicals (aka empathetic human beings) to incapacitate the moral majority (aka minority).  Just one more thing for them to fear and they do love being afraid!

Still waiting for the vaccine to eradicate the stupidity virus.

If you recognized that line you are either really old or a student of really old stand-up comedy.  Henny Youngman (1906-1998) was a musician and comedian famous for his one-liners.

“My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.  She drinks straight from the bottle!”

In April of 2004 I arrived in Manila, Philippines, to open an office for Coastal Training.   What I discovered was a treasure trove of hard-working, intelligent men and women who had many outstanding attributes, including one that truly excited me.  None of them had ever heard of Henny Youngman. 

” I told my doctor, it hurts when I do this.   Doc said ‘Then don’t do that!’”

I had volumes of material to use with the Team.  Meetings were a breeze.  It might shock you to know I like attention.

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need. If I die by 4:00 PM.”

It’s fine to be known as a great leader, manager or motivator, but what we really want is to be funny.  I think hard work and the ability to laugh, combine to keep us sane and focused.  In the thousands of interviews I did staffing the office over the years, I often used a Henny line to see how the applicant would react.  If they understood the humor it was a good sign they could connect with their American clients. 

“When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading”

As we grew from 20 employees to almost 300 the technique worked well in building a compatible team.  Of course this was only one of many criteria for hiring, but laughing at my jokes never hurt anyone’s chances for advancement.

“For her birthday, my wife asked me to take her somewhere she’s never been before, so I took her to the kitchen.”

Are you tired of being singled out and ridiculed because you picked up a few pounds in your face over the holidays?  And here we are, 3 months later and still unable to shed those jowls.  Good news from the prolific advice-givers to senior citizens, the AARP.  Fighting Face Fat comes down to the following eight actions:

        1: Facial Exercises like neck stretching and cheek puffing.
        2 through 8 are the same old things listed in every article on health and weight control; increase exercise, cut carbs, no alcohol, cut sodium, add fiber and protein, get more sleep and eat a balanced diet. 

So in reality this is old recycled information to fill up space in a magazine. What a waste of space.  It seems to me even taking the time to comment on this article serves no useful purpose.  It’s almost like I wrote this recycled mock indignation just to fill up a day’s post…

Well Sherlock, you got me!

One is for humans and one for animals.
I have heard you can use either when referring to Vlad “The Impaler” Putin; the man who aspires to become King; you know, like the donald.