Archives for February 2024

The Earth’s orbit around the Sun is not exactly 365 days. It takes about 365.2425 days for the Earth to complete one revolution around the Sun. This means that every year, our calendar is slightly behind the actual position of the Earth by about 6 hours.  According to National Geographic Magazine leap year is thought to have been introduced by the Egyptians to balance the seasons in the third century BC. They were observing a 365-day year that included an extra day every four years to correct the calendar.

The REAL reason is much simpler.  They, the unseen powers that be, are merely screwing with us for their own amusement.  Just when things seem to be going well for the human race They inject some egregious incongruity to mess with our minds.  How else would you explain any of these?

• The Kardashians
• Kardashian’s Lite: The Jenners. Smaller asses, just as annoying.
• California Rolls.
• Fox News.
• Thongs.
• Tanning Beds.
• Drive-Thru Coffee Kiosks.
• Pineapple Pizza.
• The Price of a Ticket to Disneyland.
• Donald Trump.

Inexplicable mysteries of this thing we call Life!

     I think this is the perfect time to announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States. 
     I am the running as an independent but this might change.  I’d consider running as a Democrat but I am only 73 and still have all my faculties…well most of them.
     I’d considered running as a republican but I lack what seems to be their lengthy list of “Must Haves.”  Here are just a few:

• I am not a rapist.
• I never went bankrupt keeping my millions while devastating other companies and thousands of honest workers.
• I’m bald so cannot rock an embarrassing comb-over.
• I don’t lie EVERY time I speak.
• Fox News doesn’t fact check me and point out my lies even though they are the leading news liar, unless they have now been eclipsed by “Truth Social Media.”
• I didn’t dodge the draft and then disparage our soldiers; most notably a U.S. Senator war hero.
• I was never fined millions for running a phony university.
• I never illegally stole funds from a charity I started.
• I don’t spew hate about more than half the citizens of the country I hope to lead.
• I did not threaten to sue my alma mater if they released my transcripts.
• I never stole secret government documents nor shared them with Russian operatives.
• The Russians do not have a blackmail tape of me engaged in perverted acts. (Full disclosure: I never was in Russia so who knows what I might have done?)
• I never proclaimed a mutual love with a North Korean dictator and saluted his general.
• I have never previously served as the worst president in our country’s history.

Perhaps I’ll form a new political party with a simple platform. “Ask not what your country and do for you.  Either help or sit down and STFU!”

The mantra of the truly clueless…

When the government aids a foreign nation in need like The Ukraine, supports Israel or seeks to help immigrants looking for a better life for their families, you will see a bunch of red-capped hatemongers lamenting the waste that could go to veterans or needy citizens..  The problem is we seldom do that with the money.  Whenever the president suggests a social program the parties lock arms and form gridlock.  Former President Traitor raised the national debt by trillions and funded a permanent tax cut for the rich and corporations and a temporary one for individuals.  Not for promised medical care, infrastructure, charitable causes, educational assistance or aid to veterans whom he called “Losers” and “Suckers.”. 

Maybe we could ask them to work together and pass a meaningful bill?  Outrageous!

Two Domino’s Pizza stores are amongst 11 North Somerset businesses which have received outstanding food hygiene scores since the start of the year.

Somerset, a ceremonial county in South West England is renowned for its cheddar cheese.  The Cheddar Gorge caves are still used to mature cheese today.  So for cheesy pizza lovers scouting possible alternative living accommodations should Comrade Comb-over become president and annex us to Russia, this might be a viable choice.

I am not certain that the news of 11 restaurants passing a local health department hygiene inspection making the headlines is a compelling reason for choosing an alternate location.  But it does beat living under a totalitarian regime.

Remember: You can never be too thin, too rich or have too much cheese on a Domino’s Pizza!

You can count on very few things in our world today.  Sure, if a politician is speaking you know they’re lying; if trump has any secret intel you know the Russians have it, and if Taylor Swift attends a Kansas City Chiefs game you know the television audience will double.  But what about things that we encounter daily?  Case in point: Restaurants.

Perhaps if you are dropping a thousand dollars at a Paul Bocuse in Lyon, France, you can count on a memorable dining experience but even they dropped down to two Michelin stars, (although we lovers of hot dogs think a kosher Vienna should have 3 stars).  But finding a consistently good restaurant locally is a challenge.  We recently went for breakfast at a local family owned diner that just opened in Oregon.  The pancakes were wonderful, the fresh butter delicious, the coffee and service were perfect.  We immediately told our family about it and went back the next week.  We experienced the exact opposite. The toast was burned, the eggs overcooked, the butter a pasty, yellow mess, the pancakes just ok, a 5 minute gap between the first two and second two meals being served and it took 3 trips to the kitchen for our server to get everything we ordered.

At least with fast food chains like Denny’s, McDonald’s and Arby’s you can count on consistently bad meals.  Not good, but consistent with no surprises.  So if you are opening a restaurant or any publicly focused business first strive for consistency so if you need to improve you will have a baseline to make good decisions.

Side Note: Judging McDonald’s and Arby’s food as bad is my opinion.  The “Eat This, Not That” newsletter says McDonald’s Filet of Fish sandwich is the healthiest of the unhealthy lot.  And thanks to the social media site INSTAGRAM, I have learned that slutty girls lacking self-esteem and wearing skimpy underwear enjoy Arby’s Roast Beef sandwiches.

I may have to try them again and see what all the hoopla is about!

Minimalism is on the rise.  In recent years, there has been a push toward minimalism, especially during the pandemic.​  Linda and I had four pick-ups by the veteran’s thrift shop last year.  We are emptying out the garage and closets.  It truly feels like we are lightening our load or at least the load we will leave behind for our children to clean up.

It would behoove you to do the same.  (Behoove, another great word we do not get to use often enough! Say it 3 times and hope the Universe doesn’t misunderstand and think you are saying “Beetlejuice.” Such fun!)  Here is a quick list of suggested items of which to rid yourselves:

• Magazines.  You ain’t never gonna read them.  Recycle.
• Books you’ve read.  Fill a bookshelf it you wish and then donate to a thrift shop or the local library’s bookstore.
• Clothes:  You will never be that smaller size again.  Thrift shop.
• Old Electronics.  Trash.  Despite your belief they have value, they do not.
• Dishes, kitchenware, small appliances.  Even when the kids move out the will not want your old stuff.  Thrift shop.
• Old trusses and garters.  Great gifts for ne’er-do-well friends and relatives you feel compelled to remember at Christmas or birthdays
• Cases of masks and hand sanitizer left over from the pandemic.  It might behoove you to keep these for future use.
• Everything else.  Just throw it all away!

Don’t you feel lighter already?

Driving to the Portland Airport at 5:00AM last Monday I encountered some major hostility from my fellow highwaymen.  But drivers unleashing their wrath on me is not the exception; it happens with great regularity.

I drive the speed limit in the “slow lanes” to the right.  On OR 205 the speed limit is 55 mph. I do 55 to 57.  There is one long construction zone of about 4 miles where the limit is reduced to 45mph and fines within a construction zone may be tripled.  I do 45 tops.  In the lanes to my left cars flew by like I was crawling.  That’s fine; slow traffic to the right.  My squabble (I love that word and get to use it so seldom), my squabble is with the jerk-wads that run up on my tail, flash their lights and often dangerously zip around me at warp speed.  

If I was looking for support I should be on Reddit’s “Am I an Asshole,” but since I am not and don’t really care what anybody else thinks (and have no idea how to get on Reddit) I will just warn you now: If you are behind me on the freeway don’t be surprised when I drive to the right of the passing lane and do not be exceeding the speed limit by more than 2 mph. 

You may keep your horns, bright lights, angry glares and middle finger salutes to yourself and suck on THIS for 12 minutes.

This single line of dialogue struck terror in the soul of a 10 year old boy on February 10, 1961.  Prepare for a peek into my past as a not-so-interesting dive into how I became the psycho that I am.

No television show has ever made such a deep impression on me like The Twilight Zone.  I looked forward to it every week.  On the occasions when I was alone in the house I would turn it on with trembling hands and fear in my heart.  But no episode affected my sleep to the degree of “Room for One More, Honey.”  In the episode a hospital patient, Liz Powell, would have a very realistic dream where she would awaken in the night and inexplicably be drawn to take the elevator down to the basement morgue where the door swung open and a goth-looking nurse sneered “Room for one more, Honey!”  This would send Liz screaming back to her room to wake up and me struggling to avoid wetting myself.

I will leave the details of the story for you to discover as I don’t want to ruin it for you. But fast forward about 18 years ahead.  Linda and I were in a tight financial squeeze that led me to work two full-time jobs for about 8 months.  My night job was driving a cab with a special assignment to run time sensitive shipments between hospitals and laboratories (characterized by my cousin as ‘delivering spleens’), usually internal fluids for drug testing.  This night I was given the task of running a Stryker Saw from another hospital to the morgue at Queen of Angels Hospital in downtown Los Angeles.  I was not thrilled with the assignment, especially since it was after midnight, but I made it down the creepy basement hallway and rang the bell at the morgue.  I braced myself for the nurse that would swing open the door and inform me there was room, (if anyone had tapped my shoulder from behind I would have flooded the hallway).

I apologize, but after this dramatic build-up the end of the story is a bit anticlimactic.  A very normal looking middle-aged doctor, gloved and wearing a rubber apron emerged and said something like “Oh thanks, we are in the middle of an autopsy and the saw broke.”  Why I prolonged the encounter I do not know but I asked about the use of the saw. “We are removing the skull to examine the brain.”  So while I relaxed to a degree, the image of that has stuck with me to this day.

It has made watching certain television shows challenging.  Grey’s Anatomy, Saving Hope, NCIS; all surgeries and autopsies are endured with my eyes tightly shut.  Then, without exchanging words, Linda taps my leg when I can safely open them again.  Yet another reason I can’t live without her, the real point of this boring story.

Robert and Roberta Robertson of  Fox Farm-College, Wyoming, are the first couple on record to believe that buying their Time-Share Vacation Condo was an excellent investment.  This despite the fact that they have used in only twice in 11 years of monthly payments.  They also believe the election was stolen and it’s fine for first cousins to marry.  

Fiction is stranger than facts!

To you young whippersnappers (a post-modern term for those who have gathered less wisdom and years than us Boomers) these behaviors single us out as old codgers.  I believe a more accurate term would be “Refined.”  Here’s what MSN lists:

• Carrying a Wallet: Is a man-purse cooler?
• Reading a Newspaper:  The tactile sensation of holding the paper; the aroma of the ink; uncontrollable sneezing from the aroma of the ink. Hard things to give up.
• Booking Hotels:  There are reasons for booking a reputable hotel you can count on rather than chancing an Airbnb room in Jeffery Dahmer’s house.
• Visiting Public Libraries:  You all can gag yourself with a spoon on that one.  I Love Libraries! There is no more soothing, restorative and motivating space than being surrounded by books containing representations of all the knowledge and beauty in our world.  That is, at least until some psycho asshole does something awful and ruins one of the last stress-free zones.
• Clipping Coupons:  Saving money, when did that go out of style?  Sorry, we all can’t manage two freakin’ billion apps on our phones.
• Printing a Boarding Pass:  I do print one but I use my iPhone at the gate…but I have copy in my pocket just in case; maybe someday…
• Paper Maps:  Unless searching for treasure I agree.  I haven’t flipped through the pages of a Thomas Guide in 15 years.  Really, who does?
• Correct punctuation:  I see it as an imperative to maintain civility. So many social norms have been shattered by millennials; some good and some signaling the demise of common courtesy.  Cursive writing is out, we didn’t receive a thank you note from two of the last three weddings we attended and texts replaced actual warm communication.  And it is still on my bucket list to learn when a semicolon is appropriate.
• Lists with Pen and Paper:  I am halfway there. I write the list but then take a picture of it in case I lose it.  I see the irony.
• Carrying a Hankie:  I never did that.  The wisdom of carrying around a wad of snot in your pocket always escaped me.
• Dictating Texts:  Why not dictate texts?  Is digital dexterity practice on a mini-keypad high on your ToDo list?

Okay, I’m old.  But listen Einstein, you should be able to tell that by looking at me and not have to check if I have a hankie to confirm it.