Archives for January 2024

Wow!  It was just Thanksgiving…Christmas…New Year’s Day…February!  Perhaps it does not give pause to you youthful types under 70.  But for those of us that have, let’s say, gathered more years, it is constantly amazing to us how fast the days go by.  We begin to panic every time we see a bright light ahead, wondering if it’s time to walk into that light.  Not a big deal unless the shine is emanating from oncoming headlights; whew, that was a close one!  

I guess the message is to live everyday to the fullest.  Forgive, be honorable and be charitable, sharing what you have with those that have less.  In fact if you share with me in the next 24 hours your donations might qualify for a Triple match!  

Sorry!  It’s the political campaign season and you can’t be inundated with this much B.S. without being influenced!  But I am only asking for $20.24.

REM is the last of four stages in a sleep cycle that we can thank for cool functions that help make sleep so rejuvenating, like processing emotions and memorizing new motor skills.  But there are a lot of questions around this sleep stage: what exactly happens during R.E.M. sleep and how much of it do we need?  I did a science-adjacent study with my Beats Bluetooth earphones.  I closely monitored my own R.E.M. sleep; following are my conclusions drawn from multiple hours (3) of exhaustive research:

• The calm, steady rhythm of “Losing my Religion” lulled me to sleep.
• Next the insipid melody of “Everybody Hurts” kept me soundly snoozing.
• But When “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” came on I was woken and I felt fine!

My conclusion is the R.E.M. sleep is important and refreshing.  The only disturbing aspect of the study was that Michael Stipe and I were both naked.  That’s usually another dream all together!

(Editor’s Note:  If you totally missed the point of the above post you are either young or not a fan of 1980’s and 90’s rock music.  Take it from me, this was beyond clever).

***This post dedicated to our great friend and expert in all things related to music, Geoff Wolfe.  He would have understood and appreciated it. R.I.P. in R.E.M.

One of the fastest growing chain restaurants in America, Freddy’s Frozen Custard and Steakburgers opened a record 62 new outlets in 2023 including its 500th location.  They plan to open #800 by 2026.  How is it I have never heard of them?  And more important how can I can make a few bucks since they are using my name?
Do you think there’s a lawyer sleazy and desperate enough to take my seemingly unwinnable nuisance case in hopes of getting a small settlement just to make me go away?
Of course.  We have 1 lawyer for every 256 people in this country; third highest percentage behind Italy and Brazil.
Guess I better call Saul!

Looking forward to finding a location and ordering my first Freddy’s.
I wonder how they prevent the frozen custard from melting on the steakburger? 
Life’s little mysteries!

Telling a joke correctly to elicit the desired reaction is a real talent most people, myself included, do not possess.  But we all want to be the life of the party and have people split their sides with laughter when we have our moment in the spotlight.  I would rather be known for being hysterically funny than as a great lover! (Actually that might be a slight exaggeration…can’t I be both?).

So to inject a little humor into this post I am going to tell some really old jokes.  And since you all know them I’ll skip the build up and get right to the punchlines:

“I was talking to the Duck.”
“I wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.”
“Problem is I don’t wake up until 9:00AM.”
“I’ve had this pack of cigarettes for the last 2 years.”
“So I took her to the kitchen.”
“Remember the Alamo!”
“Where’s the toast?”

I got a million of them, folks!

As a citizen of a very senior age I belong to a generation, as are all previous and future senior generations, famous for repeating stories again and again.  Even when we soften the blow by beginning “I know I’ve told you before,” we should be grateful that our family and friends smile politely and follow along in their mind with the oft repeated words they have unwillingly committed to memory.  You can’t be gracious and tell Uncle Harry that we know John Wayne once came into his drug store and purchased a tube of Preparation H, or tell cousin Hortense we had heard many times before that she was barely beaten out for the role of Harem Girl #2 by a young and unknown at the time  starlet, Rita Hayworth.  

But I am not one to point fingers as I am perhaps the greatest offender.   In fact, while on the subject, did I ever tell you about:

• When Leroy Neiman mistook me for someone he knew in Chicago, (Weird because I was born there)?
• When John Cleese mistook me for someone he knew in Chicago, (not so weird because we met in Chicago)?
• When I spent an afternoon with Ansel Adams and some fellow students at his home in Carmel, CA?
• When I came in 3rd (out of 3) on the TV game show Split Second taking home $220.00 and a leather wallet?
• When I had a crush on Rod Serling’s daughter Jodi in 1969.
• When I spent $50.00 per ticket for 3rd row center seats to take Linda on a first date to see Bette Midler at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion? (Sounds cheap, right?  But consider it was 1973 and I was earning $2.35 per hour at The Holiday Inn, Brentwood/Bel Air, struggling to both repay student loans and eat).

If you happen to be the one person to whom I have not repeated any of these stories let me know.  I’d be happy to share them with you 5 or 6 times minimum!

Thank goodness I am not trying to raise young children today.  I know I am an old curmudgeon but the problems of today’s parents are exponentially greater than the dilemmas I faced as a dad.  We had 3 boys but I think I could have done a good job with a daughter because we had rhymes and sayings that helped us as parents to send the right messages.  We guided them to adulthood with the ideas below.

It was easy to raise a boy.  Only 2 guiding principles: 

• Don’t take any wooden nickels.
• Be good and if you can’t be good…Be Careful!

Now girls, I believe, were a little more complex and fragile therefore needed more guidance such as:

• Boys don’t make passes at girls that wear glasses!
• Girls who try to be walking encyclopedias should remember: reference books are never taken out.
• Silence is golden.
• If you eat it today, you’ll wear it tomorrow.
• Housewife, teacher, receptionist, secretary.  Young ladies have so many opportunities!

Do you think this is the era to which MAGA Morons want to return?

Right out of the box I love the word “Spleen.”  It’s fun to say, has that pleasing to the ear long e sound and lends itself to repetitive reciting; spleenspleenspleenspleeeeeeeeeeen! (Whew, that was nice! Mind if I smoke?)  Spleen has multiple meanings:

• An organ serving chiefly in the formation of mature lymphocytes, in the destruction of worn-out red blood cells, and as a reservoir for blood.
• One can suffer from Spleen, a feeling of anger and irascibility.  “Granny is a bit spleeny today.  Her bunions must be acting up.”
• Vigorous Sexual Activity (slang): When Cuban band leader Ricky Ricardo would return home after a hard night singing at the Copa he would summon his wife to relieve his tension: “Lucy, you got some spleening to do!”

Be sure to join us next time when we get up close and personal with everyone’s favorite invasive procedure, the Colonoscopy!

(I keep swinging for the fences but end up grounding it back to the pitcher!)

The “Eat This Not That” newsletter put my mind at ease.  Here are major signs you need more protein:

• You are losing muscle.
• You are always tired.
• You get sick frequently.
• Mood swings.
• Hair and nails are weak and brittle.
• You are always hungry.
• You struggle to lose weight.

WHEW!  That describes me perfectly.  I thought it was because I am older than dirt and neglected my health for over 70 years.  Now I find out all I have to do is add a few steaks a day to my diet and I’ll be fine; able to go on judging and making fun of you for years to come!

Life is so simple.  Lighten up…by eating the flesh of more beasts!

    On Christmas Eve, exactly seven years after his death, the ghost of Jacob Marley visited his former business partner Ebenezer Scrooge.  Marley’s tortured ghost walked the earth for eternity wrapped in ponderously heavy metal chains he had forged in life by his greed and lack of empathy for his fellow man.  His mission was to warn Ebenezer; tell him his chain would be twice as heavy, for his greed and cruel indifference to the suffering of others was even greater.  Marley and three spirits tell Ebenezer it is not too late to mend his callous, hateful ways. 
     In the end, Charles Dickens timeless tale of  spirit and redemption “A Christmas Carrol,” gives us all hope as Scrooge is redeemed, gives generously to the less fortunate and promises to keep Christmas in his heart all the year. 

There is still time for you to make things right.  So as a public service I offer this very incomplete list of people who have already forged a chain so ponderous it makes Jacob Marley’s look like a medical alert bracelet:

• Those who intentionally harm others.
• People who are cruel to animals.
• People who deny a helping hand to someone in need.
• Whomever ate Ross Geller’s turkey sandwich dipped in the “Moist-Maker.”
• Racists, white supremacists, Fox News hosts past & present.
• Child abusers, bullies, book-burners and gun nuts.
• Greedy, sociopathic, self-aggrandizing pond scum (aka Politicians).
• Those who deny rights or harm others based on their religious beliefs.
• Men over the age of 15 that wear their baseball caps backwards.

I’ll admit there are a few on the list that would benefit from a slap on the wrist rather than eternal suffering.  But we live in a fast-paced, one size fits all world.  Send them all in for a fitting.  Plenty of chains to go around.

Everyone who listens to Donald Trump knows that the election is rigged.  I think the best way for republicans to honor the twice impeached and criminally indicted ex-president is to boycott the election.  If every republican would fail to vote it would demonstrate our respect and gratitude for a unique leader, one we hopefully we will never see the likes of again. 

(Yes, they just might be that dumb. They bought the election lie once!)