Archives for 2023

I have always enjoyed discovering the origins of words and sayings that are pervasive in our society.  I occasionally share this information with my vast legions of one or two readers.  Also occasionally I just make stuff up.

In ancient Egypt Thutmose III, (Pharaoh who reigned 1458–1425 BC), was known for his proclivity to surround himself with extremely well-endowed women.  So an appreciator of the well-rounded female form was often referred to as a “Thutmose” which when translated to English has become “Tit-mouse.”  So interesting.

     Two traditions familiar to us well-seasoned individuals are on their way out; giving a fruitcake as a gift & re-gifting a fruitcake. 
      It has been hypothesized by many much wiser than I that few fruitcakes are ever eaten, but most have been received and re-gifted ever since the first one was baked by I.M. Hoptep, the Pastry Chef-in-Chief in the court of Tutankhamun in 1332 B.C.
     My suggested new tradition; give the gift of a fruitcake to loved ones on Easter this April 9th.  I know nothing symbolizes the true meaning of Easter better than a chocolate bunny, but these are extraordinary times and call for some extraordinary ideas.

Fortunately, I have many.

Meeting of Minds was the brainchild of brilliant writer, comedian, musician and composer Steve Allen.  Years in development, the program brought together historical figures such as Socrates, Marie Antoinette, Florence Nightingale, Thomas Jefferson, Voltaire and Cleopatra to name only a few, would meet and discuss topics from their own point of view.  The series ran on PBS from 1977 to 1981. 

A meeting of historical figures from different eras, perhaps hundreds of years apart, has been an often used literary device in books and screenplays.  A “home version” where friends discuss their choices of people to dine with makes for lively (yawn) conversation…to some.  So if you had the ability to pick four random people, living or dead, to dine and converse with for one evening, who would be on your guest list?

I will take this intellectual exercise a step beyond the banal and combine historical significance with a brainteaser.  There is no right or wrong answer but lively conversation is sure to follow as each person says what they would do in this situation.

You have arranged a dinner with the following guests: the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln; the greatest icon of non-violent resistance, Mahatma Gandhi, playwright and poet William Shakespeare and the wife of Leofric, Earl of Mercia, also know as Lady Godiva (something for the gentlemen).  You are serving your sure-fire hit cheese soufflé and 10 minutes before the guests are due to arrive you are told one of the guests is lactose intolerant and eating cheese gives them the winds something terrible. 

What would you do?

I feel your pain Brothers and Sisters.  I can no longer sit back and pretend I don’t see the longing and need around me and do nothing.  For this and other reasons I extend this offer to all, friend and foe alike:
“If the cause of your pain and suffering is excessive wealth, an over-abundance of cash or the government scrutiny that accompanies too large a bank balance, I will quietly accept gifts of all sizes, even as low as one million dollars, and along with it, all the guilt and tax liabilities that immense wealth bears.”

Seeing you skipping around the neighborhood euphorically or doing your “Happy Dance” in the driveway is thanks enough for me.

Of the five main senses, sight, taste, smell, touch and hearing, Dolphins are thought not to have the sense of smell.  Why do we humans care?

Let’s suppose for a moment that you are working out at the gym and as so often happens to us all, the endorphins start to flow and we get lost in a “workout high” causing us to lose track of time.  We have an important appointment for which we can’t be late, but have no time to shower.  Problem?  Not if your appointment is to swim with the dolphins!  Go ahead, skip the shower.  They will not know the difference.

This time-saving tip brought to you at no charge by betterfredtthandeaddotcom!

Editor’s Note:  Never one to avoid controversy we tackle this ethical dilemma.  Many believe swimming with captive dolphins is a cruel act.  Dolphins used in “swim with” programs are usually kept hungry so that they are forced to interact with tourists. Another school of thought is that the handlers only withhold food from dolphins that are showing signs of weight gain; a humanitarian act to insure these aquatic mammals remain attractive to the opposite sex.

Penguins of old were bigger.  Per the site KTNF “Palaeeudyptes Klekowskii, an ancient type of penguin whose remains were found on Seymour Island in Antarctica, is thought to have stood well over 6 feet tall and weighed upwards of 250 pounds. One full fossil set they found of the species was even listed at 6 feet, 8 inches and weighing almost 300 pounds.”

I spent most of my adult life at 6′ 3″ and about 250 lbs.  Last physical I measured about 6′ tall and ###* lbs. (*Deleted by all social media for inaccuracy).  So while I am shrinking at an alarming rate, my weight continues to rise.

I must need to get a new scale.

     Literally.  The Chill Pill is not a pill but a pill-shaped device that fits into the palm of your hand. It delivers pulses of low-intensity electric currents that, according to the manufacturer, help you fall asleep fast and stay asleep.  Intrigued? There’s more!  It also reduces stress and anxiety and helps restore balance to your brain’s neurochemicals, improving your sleep quality over time.
    Sound too good to be true or possibly dangerous.  Let me put your mind at ease.  The advertisement also states, “Backed by science & tested to be completely safe!”  And only $49.95 + Shipping & Handling from the MYM (Mend Your Mental) company.  Just send your credit card, bank account number and password to an invisible company on the internet and cross your fingers.

OR I can suggest a lower cost, safer method of falling asleep.  Get a dim blue light so as not to interrupt your circadian rhythm and begin reading my posts from January 1st.  I guarantee you will be fast asleep by the 4th.  You’re welcome.

    I have previously shared items from the article “65 Items Helping People Over 65″ but nothing as helpful as this gem!  There is now a computer app called RoboForm that “securely” auto fills all your “securely” stored passwords and auto-fills forms as well.  Did I mention it does it “securely?”  You need only memorize 1 password and RoboForm “securely” does the rest.  
    Although I heard the developers are out of the country, you need not speak Russian to use it.  And if you buy the deluxe edition they will also assist your social media campaign for political office!

Give it a try!  What could possibly go wrong?

Grover Cleveland was our 22nd and 24th President (1885-1889, 1893-1897).  No other president has ever served non-consecutive terms. He defeated James G. Blaine in 1884, lost to Benjamin Harrison in 1888 (despite winning the popular vote), and then came back to defeat Harrison in 1892.  Donald Trump would be the second person in history to do this should he win the next election.

There are some similarities between their situations but mostly they are nothing like each other.  Cleveland was never impeached, did not try to downplay a major pandemic costing thousands of Americans their lives, lost gracefully rather than making up a lie about a rigged election or incite a mob to march to the Capitol to overthrow the democratic process so he could remain in office. And of course the most visible difference: Cleveland was sane.

Governor Ron DeSantis doubled down on his commitment to bring permit-less gun carry to Florida.  The bill appears likely to pass.  You will soon be able, without any background check or regulation, to grab a loaded gun, slip it in a concealed holster and roam the streets.  The Florida legislature will get right to the important matter because affordable healthcare, climate change, quality education, rising poverty, hungry children and a crumbling infra-structure can wait!

Again, it doesn’t matter what political party, religion, ethnicity, phylum, class, order, genus or species you are.  If you think this is a good idea and what the authors of the Constitution had in mind when they wrote about a well-regulated militia in the second amendment, then please choose one or more of the following words to describe yourself: idiot, moron, ignoramus, doofus, nincompoop, muttonhead, blockhead, nitwit, clodpoll, ninny or dunce.

If this bill passes, please move to Florida and good luck next time some booze-soaked jerk thinks you cut him off in traffic, eyed his girlfriend’s cleavage, or took his parking spot.