Archives for 2023

This came in my email today from “The Press Rundown.”   The eight factors held no surprises.  Keep up physical activity, maintain a healthy diet and weight, get enough sleep, do not overlook your mental health, cultivate loving relationships, use alcohol in moderation and don’t smoke.

What is most remarkable is what they left out.  I have been told that sending me money provides stress-relief and a heart-warming feeling that can result in additional years of good health and happiness.  I.M. me for details!
Live long and prosper!

Note:  Results are not guaranteed and not endorsed by any government or private regulating body.  If you do choose to donate you do so voluntarily have no recourse or legal grounds for a refund. 
Please consult your lawyer before donating and if he tells you it’s a good idea…get another lawyer!  (Thanks Groucho!)

When someone thinks, perhaps erroneously, that no one likes them it is called Avoidance Personality Disorder, suffered by people who are unable to recognize their good and bad qualities.  I am not able to comment on those suffering souls.  I am talking about people that are truly disliked because of something they said.

I said part one because I am certain that one day in the future I will rant on more or newly discovered reasons.  But for the purposes of this lesson I will put down five phrases people utter that insures they will be disliked.  For Example: 

• “I am going to be honest with you”. Professing your honesty in any form means that you have lied profusely in the past; so much so that you need to clarify that the next statement is the truth, which you have just convinced the listener it is not.  LIAR!
• “I tell it like it is.”  Everyone should, but since you say it like that you are telling us we do not share your honesty or insights. F-you jerk-wad. 
• “I’m a Mama Bear!”  Might as well say the whole statement: “I am a better mother and care more about my children than you care about yours so I’ll micro-manage their lives and not allow them any risk or creativity, turning them into needy, co-dependent weaklings who will never make it on their own…like ME!
• “I’m an Alpha Male” so if you are an independent, intelligent woman run, don’t walk, away because I am an insufferable misogynist who can only satisfy one person intellectually, philosophically and sexually and that person is ME!
• “I am not a racist but…”  You might as well be honest and cut holes in a pillowcase, wear a white sheet with a swastika sewn on and lay in a big supply of cross-burning material.  The superlative adverb for how monumentally racist you are has not been coined yet.

OR alternatively you can always be honest, tell it like it is, protect your family, be open and fair in your relationships and treat everyone with respect regardless of any racial, religious or physical differences.  Then S-T-F-U and stop needing to tell everyone.  They will see it.

Rupi Kaur is a favorite poet of mine.  Her raw honesty and ability to express her most intimate emotions allows her to create beauty with her verse. She is in my “Best Books” and I have recommended her in past posts.

The Broward County library district’s book review committee voted to remove three texts by poet Rupi Kaur because of sexual content.  One of the Committee members said her favorite poem is from “The Sun and All Her Flowers,” one of Rupi Kaur’s texts under review, but she was still in favor of removing the book because it includes 3 drawings depicting outlines of naked bodies; pictures so innocuous I doubt a horny teenager could work up a good enough fantasy to rub one out!

The best part of this story is the name of the committee member that appears to share my love of Rupi’s poetry.  It’s Michelle Beavers, but I’m not sure anyone under the age of 40 gets the irony considering the new trends in intimate grooming.

This was the subject line of an email I received from the sender “CarShield.” It had been almost 48 hours since I received a robo-call  from a car warranty company so I had become worried enough to look at the content. There was not a single word about a car warranty in the email.  It turned out to be a $10.00 discount offer from a plus-size (fat) clothing company called Torrid. 

It struck me that if they are using an extended car warranty as a come-on to entice you to buy plus-size intimate apparel, can the Apocalypse be far behind?

P.S. If you are interested in the $10 off a purchase of $40 or more use promo-code Welcome10.  Happy to help! 

Yeah, Right.  What a crock
“The new thinking is do something you are good at that pays well. You do not want your hobbies and passions ruined by office politics. I’ve heard quite a few people say that doing what they loved for a living caused them to hate what they loved.”

Today’s modern aphorism has been refined:  “Do someone you love, then go to work and be miserable or unfulfilled like the rest of us!” 
(And by rest of us I mean the rest of you. I’m retired!) 

Sounds promising…right?  But the article by the AARP is just a bunch of chin music with little application in real life. Here are a few of the 99 cut and pasted verbatim:

• 15. Comparison shop for vacation homes.
• 23. Learn your wiper blades.
• 26. Use your door to fill your tires.
• 36. Reverse your ceiling fan in the winter.
• 70. Request a lower credit card interest rate … 
• 87. Buy pre-owned Eveningwear. 

And the hits just keep on coming!  With dynamic tips like these a family struggling to put food on the table will soon be standing in line for a new Tesla!  Here are a few real ideas taken from my new best-selling book “Avoiding the Collection Plate”  Available on line $19.95 from Vanity Self-Publishing, LLC. :

• Change your phone number and don’t tell anyone.
• Greet callers that get through with the phrase “The answer is no.”
• Organic? I’ll pass!  The health benefits of pesticides they don’t want you know!
• Paying for porn?  What are you, crazy?
• Drop in to see friends and family at meal time, unannounced. (This is a temporary fix as you may see your pool of friends dry up).
• Limit charitable giving to organizations where most of the money goes to the needy and not to employees and fundraisers (Good Luck finding one).
• 12 bills you can pay late without penalty.  (This one alone is worth the price of the book!)

At the end of the day it’s all about being of service to humanity…and sticking it to “The Man!”

Ever wonder why your face resembles a casaba melon that missed its Botox injection?

It might be because you use only 17 muscles to smile but a whopping 43 muscles to frown.  Scientists have determined it takes roughly 2000 frowns to create one facial wrinkle.  And no doofus, although I may have occasionally used “alternate facts,” for comedic purposes, this one is true.  (Alternate facts is a term concocted by the pin-up girl from Gehenna, Kellyanne Conway (speaking of prune faces) to explain her puppet master’s lies).   So unless you want your mug shot to mirror a dehydrated ugli fruit, you might just help yourself keep that youthful appearance by smiling a little more. “A smile is a frown turned upside down…”  “If you smile you can forget all of your troubles for a while…”

***Editor’s Note: While the number 2,000 is a popular theory, there are other doctors that say the figure is closer to 200,000.  The important thing to remember here is nobody really gives a rat’s ass!

Just to put it in perspective, in 2014 a copy of Action Comic #1 from 1938 where Superman first appeared sold for $3.2 million.  Although I had never planned on selling, recent events necessitate that I offer my original copy of Clasicos Infantiles #7, Caperucita Roja, for sale.

Listen to what the experts say about this rare Español version of the European classic Le Petit Chaperon Rouge:
Magnifico!  Pancho V.
Muy bien! Diego R.
Elegante…Freida K.
Magico…Carlos S

Of course I don’t expect it to match the price of a Superman comic so I will let it go to the first 7 figure offer!

The previous fleeting fantasy brought to you by DESPERATION, the makers of other unattainable dreams such as winning the Powerball or Mega Millions jackpot; receiving a cash filled suitcase from George Clooney or purchasing an original Tiffany Lamp for $5.00 at the local thrift shop!

I created the Daily Inflammation as an outlet for my venomous rants; a safety valve where, under the sheer veil of humor and sarcasm, I can spout off on important topics without any false hope of others adopting my views.   Today is different.  Today I send love and acceptance to everyone.

I mean everyone.  Everyone is deserving of our love including republicans, democrats, libertarians, green party members, socialists, conservatives, liberals, peace and freedom party members; all veterans and those who paid off doctors to diagnose fake bone spurs; single moms and stay-at-home dads; heartless C.E.O.’s and their mistresses; assembly line workers; farm hands, baristas and servers; aging, surly stewardesses now there for our safety and their amusement finding plausible excuses to block passengers in need from using the toilet; door dash and uber eats drivers snacking on out order as the food cools; and everyone just trying to get through this thing Prince called life.  I send love.  And yes, even to the whining, straw headed comb-over orange in Florida, the man that can’t S-T-F-U even to save his own neck; to the serial narcissistic sociopath channeling hitler and living for nothing but to bring down all enemies and become a ruthless dictator, even to him I wish…I wish…I send…I hope…

RATS! Perhaps I’m not quite there yet. (sigh) I’ll keep working on it.

Looking for a fun destination that “has it all” this summer?  One word, “Florida.”

If draconian leadership, censorship, bunches o’ unhinged gun nuts, blistering heat, energy sapping humidity, gators, gators everywhere and Palmetto Bugs the size of Buicks are not enough incentive to lure you in, how about the fact that a Burmese python nest with 111 eggs, the largest ever discovered in Florida, was removed from the Everglades this month.  That was probably the only one so no reason to worry about snakes.

Let them drive Disney out of the state.  Florida has its own Adventureland built in!