Archives for 2023

“Recent statistics from the Department of Labor show that America’s gender pay gap has shrunk 22% since 1979, meaning it’s now at an all-time low.  In the second quarter of 2023, women made 84 cents for every $1 dollar men made for similar work, compared to 62 cents in 1979.”

At betterfredthandead.com we are currently looking for an attractive female equity partner to buy in and assume a leadership role.  I have always believed in equality of the sexes but men had nothing to do with this.  Women get 100% of the credit for this historic victory.  Chicks are finally learning their place!

Congrats!  You’re the best Babe!

Not fond of being the Home Town Buffet for one of the approximately 3,600 species of small flies comprising the family Culicidae?  The word “mosquito” is Spanish for “little fly,” not to be confused with the legendary but non-existent “Spanish fly.”  (Or is it real?)
Following are are five suggestions on how to repel the little biting buggers:

1. Bathe with coconut scented soap.  They’re not fans of Pina Coladas.
2. Spray the bottoms of walls with a child/pet safe insecticide. They have friends in low places.
3. Wear EPA approved (since 1990) permethrin treated clothing.  Available, I assume, at fine clothiers everywhere.
4. Wear green, purple, blue or white clothing.  Apparently they locate targets by the spectrum and these are the least attractive.  Go figure?
5. Wear insect repellent containing Deets.  If someone asks you for the “deets” spray the crap out of them

While these may help lessen mosquito bites, they are no help in eradicating the vile insect-like candidates that populate our presidential election process.  For that we have to rely on indictments and they currently seem to be even less effective than Deets.

The rumor mill is buzzing and it’s getting ridiculous. People Mag and all the internet trolls are out in force dredging up gossip about me.  I know some may see it as harmless fun but when you are the main target of the tabloids it can wear on one’s soul.  I am tired of being the fodder for the pond-scum paparazzi!  It’s time for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but The Truth!

• My relationship with Sofia Vergara had absolutely nothing to do with her divorce from Joe Manganiello.
• Yes, Prince Harry is holding his celebrity Polo Match in Singapore but I am NOT the “special friend” he is bringing.
• I like to think Dua Lipa and I are just friends! 
• Steven Spielberg has NOT cast me as the lead in the film version of the Manga novel “Dragon Slayer!”
• That was NOT my marijuana Gigi Hadid got busted with in The Cayman Islands.

And finally that one persistent rumor that has been around for years and will not die regarding my intimate relationship with Jennifer Aniston while she was still married to Brad Pitt…I…uh we…Oh, never mind!

Any regular reader of my daily rant (or more accurately I should say “all three regular readers”) know I keep up with the AARP Newsletter and share some critical insights as they are the one organization that looks out for us oldies but goodies, 55 years+.  They now have published a map and identify specific scams by geographic location available at this link:   
https://www.aarp.org/money/scams-fraud/tracking-map

One major scam of which to be aware is the plethora of unscrupulous individuals that ask for large donations so that they may join the fight against scams. 
In order to insure no one falls victim to this unconscionable theft please send me a large donation so that I may join the fight against scammers.

You have to give me credit for two things; consistency and predictability.  I will never give up!

I have spoken before, and will again, of my love of old classic Broadway Musicals.  One of my favorites, Meredith Wilson’s The Music Man recently came to mind.  In the film version charlatan Professor Harold Hill (Robert Preston) woos Marion the Librarian (Shirley Jones) while scamming the town into buying all the instruments for a boys band with the promise he will teach them how to play.  But he is a fake and convinces the band all they have to do is think about the tune, Beethoven’s Minuet in G and soon they’ll be able to play it.

Long story short they buy the instruments, discover he’s a fake, Marion and Harold fall in love, Marion’s little brother (Ron Howard) comes out of his dark shell, the boys manage to “think” a shaky version of the minuet and the band forms, the town forgives and everyone lives happily ever after!

The point of this long, self-indulgent reverie is that if the think system really works, (and it must because even in a musical they would not make things like that up), why not apply it to real life?  I read an article by the Harvard Medical School about seniors exercising through knee and hip pain.  Their suggestions include a lot of physical movement.  A bolt of genius lightning struck me and I developed “The Think System” for exercise and weight loss.  Before marketing it I decided to try it myself. The results were a touch disappointing.  After four weeks I gained 3 lbs. and am as sore as ever.

I know I am on to something but the solution eludes me.  Quiet!  I have to think!

When Linda and I visited China several years ago we were surprised to see that Pizza Hut was considered a fine-dining establishment.  On the pedestrian mall in Shanghai there were two Pizza huts a few hundred yards apart and on Friday night there were long lines of waiting diners at both locations.  As tourists we opted for a more local cuisine we called Chinese food, but were fascinated by the crowds at Pizza hut.

I am not sure how Pizza Hut Restaurants are doing in China these days but they are still making history.  The Pizza Hut Chicken Parmesan Sandwich with Breadstick Dipping Sauce and Fries was named one of the unhealthiest orders at any fast food restaurant.  One sandwich contains 1,790 calories, 99 grams of fat (22g saturated fat), 4,380g sodium, 174g carbs and 54g protein.  Yum!

I believe the government should subsidize the sandwich so they can sell them for 1/2 price in Shanghai.  It might be our most effective secret weapon!

     According to Dylan Jovine, Founder and CEO of Behind the Markets newsletter, the following is true:

• On August 10th the U.S. Government is going to make an announcement that can radically alter my retirement.
• Goldman-Sachs and J.P. Morgan have quietly warned their richest clients to prepare for it.
• Billionaires George Soros, Seth Klarman and David Tepper have sold 103 stocks to prepare for it.

     All I have to do to get this information is sign up for his newsletter to get this valuable information.  I am not sure but I assume he will need my social security number as well as my pin code for the ATM.
     I’m not worried as I don’t own much stock but my heart goes out to Jeff Bezos.  He just built a $500 Million yacht and apparently no one has warned him.  Anybody have his cellphone number?

I read this an article, “What Not to Store in the Attic” in Better Homes and Gardens.  I know what you are thinking.  What is a macho guy like me doing reading a woman’s magazine?  Well wake up America, we are a much more fluid society and I am not afraid to get in touch with my feminine side.  Besides, I am retired and have a little extra time. I prefer to spend my day following Linda around and keeping her entertained, but she has suggested that it is ok for me to cultivate other interests that do not require I am with her all day…every day.  She has always sacrificed for me.  You see why I love her?

Anyway, their list is quite pedestrian; all things you know intuitively, candles and crayons that melt, fabric that gets eaten by moths, books and holiday decorating items that get dry and act as kindling and flammables that can turn your home into a 5 alarm nightmare.  So what do you keep in an attic?   I don’t have an attic but I did some research and the following list is what some celebrities keep in their attic:

• Michael Jackson – Kept cases of Left-handed gloves.
• Jeff Bezos – An extra 20 0r 30 billion dollars in case he is ever forced to pay income tax.
• Ron DeSantis – His milk of human kindness (gone sour in the heat and humidity).
• Jeffrey Dahmer – Spare parts.
• Taylor Swift – Voodoo Dolls of Katy Perry, Kanye West (I know) and Nicki Minaj.
• Elon Musk – The tons of ego he can’t fit on his abbreviated frame.
• D.J. Trump – Prepaid FedEx document envelopes addressed to Russia and North Korea.
• The Kardashians – Any talent they may possess.  I am not sure it’s in the Attic but it’s nowhere else to be seen.
• George Clooney – Briefcases filled with $1m…Never mind. He is just too dreamy to make fun of!

If you know any of these people and I’m wrong please let me know.  It is always my aim to be 100% accurate…

The fact that we “oldies but goodies” like an early dinner was a great source of humor for young people.  The jokes invariably included references to the Early Bird Specials at Denny’s or were paired with a comment on an 8:30PM bedtime.  But I had a plausible excuse.  Working remotely from Oregon with my office three hours ahead in Virginia meant that I was at my desk at 5:00AM Pacific Time and my 5:00PM dinner actually equated to 8:00PM in my circadian rhythm.  We both know that was a cover.  Although retired for 5 years Linda and I still eat dinner at 5:00PM.  But as it turns out we were trendsetters and now the millennial world follows our lead.

The Wall Street Journal reports America is becoming a nation of early birds demonstrated by a significant rise in early dinner reservations beginning at 5:00PM.  Many high-end restaurants are now closing their kitchens by 8:00PM, adjusting to the new reality.

If you still feel eating early is uncool but you really want to do it, I have another plausible excuse you may use: intermittent fasting.  Trendy, cool and perhaps healthy?  Maybe you should reconsider that 8:30PM bedtime…?

     There is now a group of scholars that believe William Shakespeare may have been Jewish.  That does sound incredible as his play “The Merchant of Venice” is openly anti-Semitic; his children were baptized and he was married and buried in the church.  
     But consider the fact that during his lifetime Jews were not allowed to live in England.  They were expelled in 1290 and would not be invited back until 1656, 40 years after Shakespeare’s death.  (My guess is the population clamored for the return of matzo ball soup).  He had no place to go. The lower east side of Manhattan was not yet the Jewish capital in America.
      Researchers have compiled a great deal of evidence he had more than a superficial knowledge of Judaism.  For example:

• He had over 2,000 Biblical references in his plays and it is evident he knew the Hebrew Version an well as the Hebrew language.
• Scholars cite proof he knew The Mishna and The Talmud – written collections of ancient oral and written traditions from which Jewish law is derived…or something close to it. (I am a bit fuzzy here, but that never stopped me from ranting about a subject!).
•  Quotes from the Oral Torah are hidden throughout his works some claim that his plays contain hints of the Zohar, Judaism’s chief mystical text.

So Irwin M. Fletcher, you choose what you want to believe.  His legacy remains intact regardless.
We move on to Harry Belafonte. His perfect pronunciation of the Hebrew lyrics in the 1959 recording of Hava Nagila cannot be by accident.  Harry might have been a lonsman!