Archives for 2023

Once again the AARP is watching out for us old codgers by blowing the lid off the clandestine world of the senior discount!  This is the list of what they call surprising: Kohl’s, Rite Aid, Pep Boys, Walgreens, Goodwill, Michaels and Ross Dress for Less.  I’m not sure of your initial reaction, but there is nothing surprising to me about this banal line-up of retail mediocrity.  Who cares?

Here are 7  truly surprising retail enterprises that should be giving us venerated seniors much needed and deserved discounts:

1. Chuck E. Cheese: They know how to throw a birthday party and we deserve it!
2. Scores Gentlemen’s Club: We have our memories…Women welcome on Tuesday nights!
3. Rolex:  Discount please! I’d wear an authentic diamond encrusted platinum Rolex as long as I could get it for under $100.
4. Masa – NYC:  Their 3 Michelin Stars allows them to charge $1,000.00 per person for their Omakase, but seniors need overpriced pretentious meals as well!  75% off please. 
5. Spirit Airlines:  I doubt they would give 10% off to the C.E.O.s mother.  But for seniors a good discount might be worth risking a flight with them.
6. Gymboree: & Bounce House:  Age is only a number.  We want to play too for as long as our hips hold out.
7. Forever 21: That’s right.  Grandma can still rock a little black cocktail dress.

Let’s get some discounts that actually help seniors on fixed incomes!

Harvard Medical School sent me some great information I was excited to share with you.  Their experts, they said, reveal how to defuse anger-provoking situations and control one’s temper in a constructive way.  They promise to teach you the following: six ways to cool off; the “4-7-8” breathing method; a well-documented mood-booster; how to let go of a consuming grudge; 3 ways to lean into empathy.  All great stuff.

But when I clicked the link to begin the journey to a kinder, gentler Fred, there was no information but a demand for $18.00 to get the download.  They mentioned nothing about needing to pay when they got my hopes up in their initial email.

Now I’m really, really angry.  Someone there must feel my wrath; I’ll visit them soon.  Thanks Harvard…thanks for NOTHING!!!!!!!

“When the Zen Master of Falsehoods, Ignorance and Sociopathy is Breathing from Prison, We Shall All Breathe a Sigh of Relief.”  A Grateful World

I received a personal email from my friend Amor Towles, author of A Gentleman in Moscow, one of the top 25 novels of all-time on the B.S. Scale (Berman’s Selections).  I know you may think it was a blast message sent to his thousands of fans but I’ve lived my life surrounded by naysayers and it doesn’t affect me so shut up!

The good news is an eight-hour series version of the novel is being filmed in England by Paramount+.  It stars Ewan McGregor as Count Rostov and Ewan’s wife, Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Anna Urbanova, which just happen to be my first choices for the roles. (Coincidence…?)  We can look for it sometime next spring.  And until that day I shall not sleep a wink…metaphorically speaking.

To anyone who has not yet read the book I ask; “What are you, crazy?  Get on it!” 

According to his post on Bill Gates Notes yesterday he is much more afraid of the nip of a mosquito than the bite of a Great White Shark! 

Bill talks about a  fragrance company in Switzerland, dsm-firmenich, that is “tapping into its massive scent library” to determine what fragrances might be attractive to humans but repel mosquitos that carry malaria.

OPEN NOTE TO BILL GATE”S…NOTES:  If you read my post of August 26th you will see that I already blew the lid off the mosquito attraction conundrum.  Perhaps if you slipped a few million bucks of Gates Foundation funding my way (petty cash for you) we would already be well on our way to eradicating the problem.

At the very least, I would be well on the way to eradicating my problem!

This question came to me in an email from recordstrivia.com, just one of dozens of unsolicited offers I am sure we all receive daily.  I thought I knew this one but the four choices they gave me were not what I expected.  The choices are:

1. Dry Valleys, Antarctica
2. Namibia
3. Arica, Chile
4. Atacama Desert
   They answered: The Atacama Desert in Northern Chile is widely recognized as the driest place on earth.

There is a better answer.  It’s #5, the one spot where there is absolutely ZERO moisture:
      5. Melania at bedtime.

***Editor’s Note: The punch line, #5, was considerably more graphic as written.  Fred’s Editor-in-Chief, aka Linda, STRONGLY suggested he tone it down.  When Fred’s journalistic integrity is matched against the wrath of Linda there is only one course of action.
#Happy Wife, Happy Life.  #Happy Husband…Umm, Depends…

1. Teach the truth about our countries history including incredible technological discoveries, acts of courage and kindness along with the violent and cruel aspects of our past.
2. Work to pass legislation to see all Americans have access to affordable healthcare.
3. Work to provide an affordable education whether it be skill or academic based, to all Americans and fund these by seeing all Americans pay their fair share of taxes.
4. Understand the second amendment of our Constitution does not mean every nut-bag in the country should be allowed to arm himself with an arsenal of assault weapons. 

BONUS ACTION:  Reject the lies and fear-mongering from an ignorant, hateful and narcissistic psychopath whose only goals are unrestricted power and personal financial gain.

“As your President I would work tirelessly to make all this happen.  Vote for me!”
(My name is Fred, Fred, Fo-red and I approved this message.)

You would probably agree I thoroughly covered the topic of what causes one to be an attractive target for those blood-sucking mini-vampires we call mosquitos.  But it was not the end.   I have uncovered more critical information for your benefit as I venture into uncharted mosquito territory.

Mosquitoes are attracted to salt, potassium, and lactic acid that is released from your body, and therefore are drawn to people who have recently finished off a banana. While bananas may be their number 1 option, mosquitoes are also drawn to avocados and dried fruit.  So be aware of your surroundings before consuming a banana.

***Note:  This is especially important if you are visiting the Tabasco Hot Sauce Factory and Country Store on Avery Island, Louisiana.  Linda and I were there and we can say from first-hand experience Avery Island Mosquitos are numerous, the approximate size of a Volkswagen Beetle and show no mercy!

I did not make this up.  This was the headline of a story emailed to me by the AARP.

My first thought was the same as most freedom-loving citizens of the world: Who is Apple to tell consenting adults and their hand-held machines what they can and can’t do in the privacy of their own bedroom?  It’s not my thing, but I don’t judge…much.

But then I read the article.  The main point is presented in this direct quote from the story:  “Apple is warning consumers not to sleep with their iPhones while charging because the devices, cables and chargers can get warm and cause discomfort or even injury if pressed against the skin for a long period of time.”

Maybe Apple should be warning Millennials about these dangers but the AARP should know better.  For us seniors this isn’t considered sleeping together…it’s just foreplay!

Somebody show this to Trump and convince him to follow Kurt Vonnegut’s life affirming advice. 
We know he can barely read and hopefully will give up after the word “Cliffs”