Archives for 2023

There is a catch, however.  It is only pork that has been created in the laboratory.

For the first time in history, lab-grown meat was recently given a kosher certification.  The Orthodox Union, a leading kosher certification agency, granted its first kosher certification to lab-grown meat made by Super-Meat, an Israeli startup that uses stem cells from eggs. This is a significant development for the world of kosher supervision.

According to The Ingolstadt Gazette, local celebrity recluse Dr. Victor von Frankenstein had worked many long, sleepless nights during violent thunderstorms to create the ersatz meat.  When asked for confirmation, Dr. Frankenstein’s trusted lab assistant Igor said, “Mwaaahhhhahahhahahahahahahahahah! We’ve done it.  You’ve done it Master! I shall toast you with the blood of a small rodent!”

(And, to all you literature buffs, I did mix my characters from two gothic novels, but few will notice if you keep your mouth shut!)

**** Editor’s Note:  No pigs were harmed in the making of this post. 

You all know that I believe in forgiveness above all.  It is important for forgivers and allows them to move on with their lives.

But after 13 months of owning a KitchenAid refrigerator that is a lemon, has been repaired 5 times including a 6 week wait for a part, and now has broken down again and they want a fee even though I paid for a 5 year extended warranty, I am finding it difficult to forgive.

But I will forgive them, right after all the executives contract a fatal disease, grow warts on their noses, discover their spouses have been unfaithful with their best friend, have their employees sue them for sexual harassment and burn in hell for eternity.

Whew!  That felt good!  Now fix my freakin’ fridge or refund my money and forgiveness is yours!

This list from the “Eat This, Not That” website.  The foods are: Chicken breast, salmon, Greek yogurt, eggs, leafy greens, berries, oats, quinoa,  avocado, nuts, legumes and water.  These foods are an integral part of my eating plan often making up 90% of the food I consume in a day and yet my abs still resemble a bowl of pasty white Jell-O.

I must have missed something in the article so I am going to re-read it; actually “read it” would be more accurate.  There are only so many hours in a day!

The above titled instructional email came to me from the NPR Health newsletter and I must share this valuable information with you, my legions of reader.  Are you aware that fiber in your diet has many uses other than to guarantee you a daily front row seat on the porcelain bus?  It does much more than allow you to drop the kids off at the pool once a day, although that is a fortunate byproduct of consuming fiber.  Ushering the browns to the Super Bowl is a great perk but Fiber deserves more credit in its contribution to your overall health.

Diets rich in fiber are linked to a lower risk of major health problems, including obesity, Type 2 diabetes, certain cancers and cardiovascular disease. Fiber helps control blood sugar levels and lowers cholesterol and inflammation.  NPR suggests you add fiber by adding a variety of high fiber foods to your diet such as air-popped popcorn, avocados, sweet potatoes, black beans and chickpeas (I prefer calling them garbanzos, GAR-bon-zos; gar-BON-Zos; gar-bon-ZOs, such fun to say), just to name a few.

So the next time you execute an aerial raid on Porcelainistan, remember your co-pilot Fiber does more than opening the bomber doors!

“…To keep your balance you must keep moving.”  This wisdom from that real smart guy, some kind of scientist I think, Albert Einstein.  Good as far as it goes but the thought needs updating for use in our new reality.  I am up to the task.  Continue Albert’s thought as follows:

“But to keep moving one must make sure all parts are in working order.  The chain, used to move the wheels, does not restrict our creativity and must be tight and well lubricated.  Tires need rubber and proper inflation to provide a comfortable ride and the seat must be built for comfort, not for speed.  And to keep your balance and your freedom, you must be able to provide documentation in the form of a sales receipt for the bicycle, especially if the bike greatly resembles a model that went missing from a neighbor’s garage around the corner.”

I trust this updated aphorism will provide you all the guidance you need to be successful in this Theatre of the Absurd we call Existence.

Want more? (Who wouldn’t?).  Look for our new collaboration in bookstores and head shops near you: “Albert and Fred’s Roadmap for Life!”

Did you know bats rarely develop cancer? The winged mammals possess remarkable immunity when it comes to diseases, which is largely attributed to genetic adaptations. And while that’s wonderful for them, we humans would love to harness that power too.  Scientists are closer to understanding bat’s resistance to cancer.  A team of scientists examined the genes responsible for the rapidly evolving immune systems.  Their aim was to unravel the bat’s unique ability to combat deadly viruses.  Armen Scheben, author and study lead said “By generating these new bat genomes and comparing them to other mammals we continue to find extraordinary new adaptations in antiviral and anticancer genes

There is a downside though.  When preparing the vaccine great care must be taken to avoid mixing their DNA with their fecal matter which is highly toxic and causes insanity.  Apparently several tainted doses were released in Washington DC and Palm Beach, Florida, explaining why our political leaders are all bat-shit crazy (Rim shot).

Thank you!  I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress (Oops, I mean non-gender specific server.  How woke am I?).

The Judiciary Act of 1789 is passed by Congress and signed by President George Washington, establishing the Supreme Court of the United States as a tribunal made up of six justices who were to serve on the court until death or retirement.  On September 26th all six appointments were confirmed by the Congress.  John Jay presided as Chief Justice. John Rutledge, William Cushing, John Blair, Robert Harrison and James Wilson became associate justices; all honorable patriots who swore to uphold the Constitution.

Only 234 years later we have an eclectic mix of judges; two or three bought and paid for by billionaires who have a variety of clever ways to filter them money; an accused rapist who made it very clear during his confirmation that “he likes beer!”  Add a fanatic that puts her religious beliefs before the Constitution and a few assorted people that actually care about our freedom and the rule of law and “Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present…”The Supremes.”  Nine people setting us back 100 years!

I should have gone to law school!  “I could have had class, I could have been a contender.  I could have been somebody!” Or I might have ended up on the Supreme Court and had a few extra dollars!

Minister Onís and Secretary Adams reached an agreement whereby Spain ceded East Florida to the United States and renounced all claim to West Florida.   Per the Treaty of Adams-Onis (1819) and Transcontinental Treaty (1821), Spain received no compensation, but the United States agreed to assume liability for $5 million in damage done by American citizens who rebelled against Spain.

In Spain this event is celebrated as National Put-One-Over-on-the USA Day and homes all over the country display a red and yellow banner with the holiday slogan:
“Best Deal Ever!”  

(There is a persistent rumor that Palmetto Bugs are not native to Florida but were imported by Spain as a going away gift in 1821)

I know I am late to the Game, but on the Scoville Scale of Hotness it seems to me Emilia Clarke dropped about 10,000 units lower when she removed her Daenerys Targaryen platinum blond wig and returned to her natural brunette shade. 

 Three words of advice Emilia: Preference by L’Oreal.

On September 23, 1875 notorious 18 year old outlaw Billy the Kid was arrested for the first time for stealing a basket of laundry.  He went on to be tied to 21 murders and several arrests before he was killed in a gun fight at age 21. Even with all the arrests I am sure he looked back with fondness on his first arrest, before he was killed, of course. 

Who can forget that first time, the intoxicating thrill of being ordered on your knees by a handsome and powerful police person?  The adrenaline rush from the soft caress of your arms as the cuffs are carefully clasped to your wrists, rendering you powerless and rife with anticipation as you surrender to the mercy of your captors. All leading up to the grand finish, the clank of the cell door as you eye the top bunk while your 400 lb. cellmate Bubba gives you that come hither smile, points in the direction of his main interest and utters in a smoky, sultry voice with just a note of Alabaman drawl: “You sure are purty!”

Good times!