Archives for December 2023

“Listed as U.S. News’s ‘Cheapest Place to Live in 2023,’  Hickory, North Carolina packs a punch in terms of livability. Located in North Carolina’s Piedmont region, Hickory is perfectly situated between the mountains and sea. Only an hour’s drive to the artsy community of Asheville and four hours to seaside Wilmington, NC, this little town is attracting residents from all over the country.  Set in the foothills of Appalachia, Hickory has long been known for its furniture making but big tech companies like Apple are nudging their way in.”

The average resident spends just 18.95% of their income on living expenses, one of the lowest rates in the country. Quality of life is at a premium here with mountains to hike, the Catawba River to float or kayak, a minor league baseball team, and plenty of local breweries to explore. Housing costs over $100,000 less than the national average is just the icing on the cake.

The problem is in order to live there you have to be in North Carolina; even worse, Hickory, NC!  
A bit of a conundrum, right?  While I have many dear friends living in the South I really feel the best course of action for the United States is to take the entire South and return it to its original owners.  First step, returning North Carolina to The Coharie, the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians,.  I feel certain they would still allow us access to their casinos.

It’s simply the best course of action for all involved!

You are only concerned about their health but in this day where cancellation and political correctness hold powerful positions in our society, criticism, even constructive criticism must be handled with great care and empathy.  You are only trying to help by letting someone know that they may be adversely affecting their life, the world demands you do so with tact and empathy and possibly some good-natured chiding.  As someone who has a lifetime of experience in carrying around excess adipose tissue I feel I am qualified to give sound advice on the subtle art of letting someone know they are gaining weight beyond what society deems appropriate which is as follows: Women, size zero or one.  Men: Maximum 36 inch waist with proportionate weight, maximum 179 lbs.  Try getting the important message across by working one of these helpful lines into a greeting or conversation when your help is needed:

(Disclaimer:  Do not try this at home without first consulting an attorney or bodyguard.) 

• Geez Louise, no wonder there’s a food shortage in this country!
• You know that big bowl of mashed potatoes is to share, right?
• Welcome! Have a seat…or two.
• Just how fat are you planning to get?
• I’m guessing triplets?  What?  You’re NOT pregnant?
• Wow, looks like you’re a shoe-in to play Santa at the Christmas Party this year!
• Good to see you looking bigger and better…and bigger than ever!
• Nice to see someone who is not caught up in current fitness and health craze!
• Random thought; I hope you don’t have the seat next to me on the plane.
• Perhaps you should rethink that gym membership or, at least, try using it.
• I thought the elephant was the largest land mammal.
• Look at it this way, there is more of you to love…as lot more.
• Hey, don’t sit on the messenger!

Remember, you are only trying to help!

• “Kate Middleton is regal in teal at Royal Variety performance — and wears hair in a new way.” Yawn.
• “Taylor Swift Cheers on Travis Kelce at the Packers-Chiefs Game.”  Fascinating.
• “Kaley Cuoco is shocked as daughter Matilda says ‘Mama’ for the first time”  Kaley is a little slow.
• “Deion Sanders and Tracey Edmonds call off engagement.” Deion who?
• “Suki Waterhouse Is pregnant!”  How’d that happen?
• “Bre Tiesi thought the cameras weren’t rolling when she said she slept with Michael B. Jordan”  And if you believe that…
• “Queen Letizia and King Felipe of Spain recreate handshake 20 years later.” Must have been one heck of a shake!

Wait, let me think…No!  The search continues.  There has to be something out there that we care about less the Kardashians!

Wrong!  The answer is Construction Worker.  Research has determined construction workers are the happiest of any industry.

“A human resources software company has found that construction workers are the happiest in the world, citing rising wages and a high demand for work as the primary reasons why. BambooHR’s research includes data from over 57,000 employees at more than 1,600 companies around the globe, specifically tracking happiness between January 2020 and June 2023.”

What about the excitement?  You fire a nail gun into the wall and miss the stud.  It sails through dry wall transforming into a screaming missile of destruction with you not knowing in what or WHO it might hit.  An iron worker walking a beam 47 stories above Manhattan and drops an M100 bolt with a diameter of about 4″.  Can you calculate its velocity by the time it hits the ground…or your foreman?  You walk by the giant crane operator and inhale the distinct smell of alcohol creating an aura of excitement you can’t feel in any other profession.

Construction Worker: Modern Day Super Hero!!

Thanks People Magazine! Now there’s an article with real human interest.  

Anastasia Steele, coming directly from Christian Grey’s closet of pain and pleasure, holding hands with Pepper Potts, embracing her enhanced strength, durability, and senses.  It doesn’t take a psychic to know where this is leading.  It starts with holding hands and a sweet photo but somehow, even after the photo-op ends the hand embrace continues.  The two, drawn together by an animalistic urge neither can deny continue on, desperately seeking a private place, far from inquisitive magazines and probing eyes, where they are free to express…

Sorry, I got to go!

I know you may be reading this first but yesterday we questioned the wisdom of the 21st Amendment, the repealing of prohibition.  At least our congress had the presence of mind to enact the 22nd Amendment limiting an individual to two terms in office as President of the United States.  This was a positive step but did not anticipate a candidate channeling Hitler by creating false enemies, ignoring the Constitution and threatening the opposition with retribution; all foreshadowing an attempt to establish a dictatorship.
Who could have seen this coming…besides EVERYONE?

Relax.  I’m counting on the Universe to care for us.  We will soon wake from this nightmare and sing a rousing chorus of “Happy Days are Here Again!”
Ohhhhhhhmmmmmmm…
Namaste

On December 5, 1933, congress repealed the 18th Amendment and gave states the right to regulate alcohol.  It makes you wonder; if our nation had not been fueled by alcohol for 83 years would we have elected a totally unqualified ignorant narcissist to be our 45th President and then sit by and watch him dismantle the republic for revenge and his personal gain?

Booze for thought!

A site called Fur Ball Fun published this list.  I’ll try to clarify for you youngsters under 60.

1. Aches and Pains (That Seem to Have No End):  I’m a karate man!  I don’t show weakness.  I suffer on the inside!
2. Forgetfulness Takes the Stage:  What was the question?
3. The Battle with Technology:  There is no need for a system update as I haven’t a clue as to my Apple I.D.
4. The Dreaded Gray Hair Invasion:  Can’t help with that.  It has been many moons since my scalp was graced with hair.
5. Early Bird or Night Owl?  No, Just Tired:
6. The Unstoppable March of Time on Your Skin:  It’s not the look of my skin that bothers me but the prodigious amount around my middle.
7. The Constant Battle with Weight Management:  Fortunately that has not been a problem.  I have been able to maintain obesity with little effort.
8. The Endless Stream of Doctor’s Appointments:  Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.  Those little blue pills don’t grow on trees!
9. The Generation Gap Widens:  Not my fault each generation gets dumber and dumber.
10. Becoming the “Experienced” One:  No problem.  I wouldn’t be friends with anyone dumb enough to ask me for advice.

Oh and one other annoying thing: YOU!

I didn’t bother reading the article.  It would just make me feel bad. I never made it to 50.

I switched from trying to distract myself  by remembering the the names of the 1981 dodger infield…Ron Cey, Bill Russell, Davey Lopes, Steve Garvey and started counting; 1 -2 – 3- 4…etc.  But no matter how fast I count I still can’t make it past 40.  50 is but a dream!

Bummer!

How?  Simply click on the link that will allow you to take a short survey about your experience with Costco Wholesale with the end result being a “Fabulous gift!”  But the email did not originate from Costco but some gobbledygook email at gmail.com.  And the sender, hafastatabdulah2275, will reward you with a virus that will require you to pay an enormous amount to a sleazebag piece of human waste who undoubtedly has just emerged from the anus of a festering demon and in the end will never allow you access to your laptop without the help a professional 12 year old genius from the Geek Squad.

Or you might be alerted that you;
     – “Have won a Kuer1g c0ffeemaker” in an email from the most famous of Keurig dealers, Joki3683 who again is a loathsome pile of rotting garbage who deserves to have genitals severed by a rusty tin can top with jagged edges dipped in the simian papillomavirus.
     – “Earn up to 8.25% with no market risk” from carshield.gos02pcpl@marcoombardi275.onmicrosoft, a particularly nasty foul-smelling scumbag, perfect candidate for waterboarding.
     – “Your Shipment is on the way” from FEDEX oluyemioluwaseyi54@gmail.co, you don’t even want to know what I’d do to that jerk wad!

Email now officially sucks wieners in hell.  Just my opinion but I could be right.